AIBU to worry our son is being overindulged after his A-level results?

[NavyRobin]

Our DS got his A-level results back in August and got 3 A stars and an A. We were absolutely thrilled for him. He was originally predicted ABBB, so these results were a huge shock to everyone, including his teachers. Our son told us on results day because of his teachers not predicting him high grades for his UCAS application, he decided to do badly on purpose on all the tests, mocks etc. At this point I am just lost as to why he needed to act that way as we were getting emails at home telling us that he isn't doing anything in lessons etc when at home he was revising and sticking to a routine. I think I have raised somewhat of an insane child. WHO DOES THAT?!

He wasn't exactly a model student at school. He was bright but messed around quite a lot and didn't always put the effort in we now learn that this is on purpose at A Levels, GCSE he was fine but he liked his teachers at GCSE. We did speak to the school several times about his predicted grades because we felt they were quite low but they wouldn't budge, which I do understand to an extent.

The problem is that his predicted grades limited his university choices. He applied to five universities, including some very competitive ones, but was rejected from three.Then results day came around and he achieved 3 A stars and an A.He's now decided to take a gap year and reapply for Engineering, with Cambridge and Bath being two of the universities he's interested in.
We're supportive of the gap year. We actually think it could be a good opportunity for him, particularly as he now has achieved grades rather than predicted grades. We have spoken to Bath admissions and, because he previously applied, they already have his application and results. They've said his achieved grades would make his application very competitive, although obviously nothing is guaranteed and the rest of the application and selection process still matters. Cambridge will obviously be much more difficult and we're under no illusion that he'll necessarily get in.

My issue is what he's actually planning to do during this gap year, it is his attitude.He worked at Waitrose for about a year, in the deli, and left recently. I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to get another job, even if just part-time, earn some money and gain some independence.
However, DH has actually told him that he "doesn't want to do such jobs" and that he's "better than that".DH owns an engineering company (a different area of engineering to what DS wants to go into) and has offered him work there instead.So DS can work for his dad, potentially doing something engineering-related, while living at home and with very little financial pressure.
And then there's the money.

DS turned 18 this summer and DH's parents gave him £34k as an 18th birthday present. I wasn't particularly comfortable with such a large amount being given to an 18-year-old, but obviously it's their money and their decision. I do understand that they are very proud of him and wanted to give him something special.But since then, he's been spending it fairly freely. He recently spent £13k on a car when the Polo he already had was perfectly fine. He's also been buying lots of things he's always wanted.

And now, because they're so proud of his A-level results, DH's parents have gifted him another £10k. They have always been quite generous with our children all throughout. Our children's JISA's are pretty much just for their grandparents to put money in for them. So he's received £44k from his grandparents in a matter of months, at 18.I genuinely don't understand it.
I know people will say "it's their money" and yes, I completely accept that. They can do whatever they want with it, and I know it's coming from a place of love and pride. But I can't help thinking that £10k could have gone straight into his savings account instead of being handed to an 18 year old
What is the point of giving an 18 year old that amount of money? Surely part of the point of helping your children financially is to give them a secure start in life, not necessarily to give them a huge amount of spending money at 18?
DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. He says DS has worked incredibly hard, got exceptional results and deserves to enjoy the money. He also thinks working for his company will give him much better experience than working in a supermarket and could potentially help with his future university application.
And I agree with some of that.I am incredibly proud of DS. I'm not trying to take anything away from his results, and I'm not against helping him financially. If anything, I think we've been very fortunate that he has grandparents who are in a position to give him this sort of support.But I worry about the overall message.
He doesn't need to get a job because Dad will give him one.
He doesn't need to worry about money because grandparents have given him £44k in 2 months.He doesn't need to keep his old car because he can spend £13k on another one.And DH is actively telling him that certain jobs are beneath him.I can't help feeling that we're setting him up to believe that life will always be this easy.

He's 18. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to have some structure, earn some of his own money and learn to manage what he has?
Or am I being completely unreasonable and should I just leave him alone?
He got fantastic results, he's got a potentially very exciting future ahead of him and the money is technically his. Maybe I'm just being an old-fashioned mum who thinks an 18 year old should have to work for things rather than have everything handed to him.

AIBU?

Someone above (I have lost the post) made a salient point about IHT. It would probably be better for the grandparents to pay the tuition fees/ rent directly, for all sorts of reasons.

I have not said I do not which was why we left it

It could be but they have always been generous with the all grandchildren

Nope the teachers weren’t as noble as you make them sound, but it’s ok.

There's nothing I can say about his behaviour (and your husband's!) that hasn't already been said on this thread.

However, regarding the money: I initially assumed that this extremely generous gift was intended to be put away in savings to be used for a house deposit one day in the future, or a wedding, or whatever. I can see the sense in that. I am genuinely shocked that your husband's parents think it is in any way appropriate and sensible to give an 18 year old £44,000 in spending money, and to encourage him to burn through it the way he is on things he doesn't really need. It will be gone by the end of his gap year, I am quite certain.

It is perfectly possible (since I assume you are a fairly wealthy family) that he will never need to worry about money. Lucky him. Even so, I would be having strong words with the grandparents if I were you. It is really not something that will help him in the long term, unless they are planning to fund his expensive tastes life from here on in. I can see why you are so concerned.

He sounds like a spoiled pain in the arse tbh and I can see why you are concerned
He has got great results but that is not necessarily an indication on what sort of a person he will be in the future
You parents in law were unwise in giving him 44 k to do as he pleases .
Your husband comes across as a bit of a snob . There are many graduates with top degrees who are working in retail at the moment .

Oh do get a grip. Going off the rails? Based on what?

I went to Cambridge and met a fair few engineers.

some of them are absolutely the kind of people who would stick a middle finger up at a teacher and do exceptionally well in exams just to piss someone off.

i have a lot of stories about the pranks engineering students pulled!

And with what tech/cars/bikes did he start his social media accounts with? To get the attention of brands he must have established accounts, where did he get the money to buy everything? His paper round? Oh no, wait, Daddy wouldn't have liked him lowering himself doing a paper round, I'm sure.

No, I think parts of this thread are starting to sound like a fairy tale!

Parts?!?!

Allowing this unfettered was a mistake. You can be generous without being stupid. I understand DS is now an adult but I think you should stil have been able to at least ask GP not to be so generous and why. Ultimately you are responsible for the way your DC turn out, and to be spoilt or indulged to such a ridiculous extent, creates problems for you and affects the values that you are trying to instill in him. It would be different if he was a lot older but not at 18. Unfortunately it sounds as though DHs views align with theirs so I can understand why it happened.

Lots to comment on here. DS certainly sounds like an interesting character. My reactions as a series of random thoughts, having skimmed the whole thread.

It takes strength of character to trick teachers like he did. But it's also devious. He needs to do nothing similar in future. Tell him that, if you haven't already.

If DS is interviewed by Cambridge, he must demonstrate above everything else extreme enthusiasm for engineering. Working in DH's engineering business is a great opportunity, and will enable him to make the case for the type of engineering he wants to study ie not the one at DH's company.

I would be pretty cross with the GPs for not discussing the gifts of money without speaking to parents first and would encourage DH yo have a conversation with them so that can be done in future.

I'd be incandescent with DH for suggesting working in Waitrose is somehow beneath DS. It's a particularly ghastly form of snobbery. All work has value and all workers should be respected. DS has gained experience in a customer-facing role and gained some insight into the retail sector.

If he really is coming across as entitled, I'd be giving him a really hard time, every day. University will be hard If he continues and there will be people who make clear they don't want to be around him. DH needs to understand this too. Some domestic labour would do him no harm either, if he's not doing some already.

I'd point him in the direction of a financial adviser, outsourcing teaching responsibility about money. With so much money at his disposal at 18, he could invest some - £10,000? - in a higher risk fund and, hopefully, gain some satisfaction from growing his capital rather than spending it.

I'd give him a Strengthscope assessment via a certified coach as a gift. It will identify what drives him, give him lots of insights to reflect on during his gap year, and help him build on his good qualities. Cost c.£150 to c.£400 including 1 x session with a coach to interpret the results. Or he could use some of his GP gift to fund it. Self-knowledge helps people mature!

Allowing? How does one adult stop another adult from giving money to another adult exactly? It's nothing to do with the OP what her in-laws give their grandchild.

You need to let go of the fact that he did badly on purpose in tests and mocks. He did not do it on purpose is my bet - he got a shock from the results and pulled his socks up. He is just saying that because he is a bit immature.

Work experience at another engineering firm and part time at Waitrose he had lots of time when he first finished his GCSEs. He started posting on TikTok and a few of his videos got popular, he cycles a lot and he just kept posting content and getting lots of views and people commenting etc. I don’t understand all I can see as I have instagram is that he has 164k followers. I am not going to hate on a 18 year old capitalising on social media all I can do is guide him as best as I can. I wish I could be 18 in the age of the internet the way it is right now access to so much, he knows more than I did at 18 because of the internet. As much as the internet has its disadvantages for young people.

The new behaviour isn’t how he’s always been I am willing to trust and know that the ucas predicted grades was an isolated incident. I am just not happy about the money from DHs parents they spoke to DH and I and we told them not that amount but in the end they said we can do what we like so they did.

When they were under 18 most of it DH and I just put into savings for them. We haven’t allowed anything. He was since fifteen this money at 18 we cannot tell him where to put what, his JISA is now his legally by law.

He isn't a psychopath. he is a spoiled rich boy who thinks he is very clever - loads of them about. He'll grow up to be just like dad and grandad.

It is everything to do with me what my in laws give my 18 year old - all of mine received money from in laws at that age but with our approval (all of them invested it - if I felt one of them was going to piss it against the wall, I'd have asked them to consider postponing). No I couldn't have stopped them but I could have certainly given my opinion on the monumental stupidity of giving 34k to an 18 year old who shows no sign of maturity or integrity.

If you think so then report it or disengage ? I made a post with an actual issue whether you believe it’s real or not some grandparents can afford to give grandchildren money. They’re in their late 80s they have lots of money to spare on their grandchildren. How they go about it I do not like and we have spoken to them they refuse to listen and say it’s hard for young people these days therefore we want to support our grandchildren. They support all 11 of their grandchildren they mean well somewhat. My parents are similar age and they seem to have a bit of money lying around they’re in that generation of course they’ll have a bit of money they’re retired and has great working lives. I am sorry if that is hard to believe but there’s lots of people in that age group who had great working lived and have money.

Hi Op

i am baffled at some of the responses here. Why are people being so rude about your teenage son? ! We were all idiots at some points in our lives except the perfect people here clearly.

However! I am honestly gobsmacked at your son recieving tens of thousands of pounds before his brain has matured - we know that the human brain matures at about 25! so it's basically like giving the money to a gambler.

I feel very sorry for him - he is wasting money without the understanding of how much he may regret that as an adult.

I would genuinely be furious with adults gifting such an enormous amount to a teen - do they really not care what it goes on?

sadly I presume that with this attitude he thinks he will also have uni paid for/ house deposit paid for

In all honesty - I would be very sad to see my teenager spent 13 grand on a new car - its' pretty morally revolting really.

I think all you can do is speak your mind about it and tell your son you expect him to have better values.

You and DH need to get on the same page about the money and son's attitude.
Fair enough, school have massively underestimated him, and he's had a bit of muck around with them, whilst working quite hard in his own time to prove then wrong, some kids need that push and to have something to prove. But general attitude sounds like in needs to improve, and you and DH need to be on the same page about calling out when it's unacceptable.

Money wise, £44k is above the average yearly salary for full time working adults, who will have so much more they NEED to spend it on than your son does. He's bought the car, that's his big splurge. Sit down with DH first and come up with an amount you feel son needs to keep to one side for uni - look at prices of accommodation, average spending money, society fees, trips etc, alongside other yearly expenses like car insurance, petrol, tax etc. Then look at what will be left if he does a 4/5 year course. Discuss what you'd be happy for him to spend 'enjoying himself' in his gap year - don't be super stingy with this, or it'll defeat the point. I'd aim for a few grand for big ticket items - holidays, festivals, bits of tech etc, and then an approximate monthly amount for day to day fun and his expenses.
With that much spare cash, he should be paying his own car insurance, petrol, phone bill, subscriptions etc. I assume his job with DH's company will also be paid, so be sure to include that money in the planning too!
Then sit down with your son and go through it, and agree a plan with him, he may want more spending, have something expensive he really wants, and that should be something you can discuss with him, and compromise on- ideally the money for uni goes into a high interest account he can withdraw from (at least the first year or twos funds), this year's money goes into a regular or savings account, (or into savings with a standing order to send over monthly) and the rest goes into something along the lines of an ISA for long term savings.

I'd be clear with him that, if this doesn't happen, you won't be providing money for uni, won't be paying for phone bills and uni trips, and won't be sending him spending money to bail him out! He's had more money from grandparents then most people earn in a year, and if he blows it, it'll be him feeling the result of that, not you out of pocket to cover him.
Most adults have to save for over a decade to get £44k, and he's been handed it on a platter - it's fine to enjoy himself and spend a bit, but he needs to bear in mind his future too, and make sensible decisions. Ideally some of this should go towards a house deposit in future, or something of that ilk.

I'd also speak to grandparents (with DH too), and explain that that's so much money they've given, and that you really want son to be set up for future, so he's agreed to save £x for uni, £x for future, and maybe just provide some context for what is a reasonable amount to give, and where large expenses will occur so they can have a bit of context for future - it may be that they've given this huge amount assuming that it'll be for uni and housing and such, and haven't anticipated him buying a car outright and would perhaps have been happier putting a chunk of the money into an isa for his future. I don't know many grandparents who would give such a huge amount as fun money, and would assume for many, money given at 18 is to set them up for the future!

“lively”

You say they want to help the younger generation - they really aren't helping him at all by facilitating him completely wasting such a huge life changing sum of mnoney.

That could have been money later in life to help towards a mortgage or to study a PHD or to pay his rent for a year when he is first a working adult.

Something that helped me a lot in my early 20s was my parents supported me by helping pay my rent when I was in a low paying job - that I loved and was the path to what I really wanted to do.

That's the sort of support that money could have given him.

I can see why you’re worried. He seems to have a chip on his shoulder and he is extremely disrespectful. Do the GPs who gave him money know how badly behaved he is being?

I would be very upset if my child behaved so disrespectfully to other people no matter which grades they got.

It’s possible that his sense of self-inflation will lead to a collapse as he comes up against real life after his ostensible “win”.

I would have a family meeting to discuss family values over and above wealth and grades.

He sounds like a complete idiot, but hopefully he'll grow up a bit over the next few years.