AIBU to worry our son is being overindulged after his A-level results?

[NavyRobin]

Our DS got his A-level results back in August and got 3 A stars and an A. We were absolutely thrilled for him. He was originally predicted ABBB, so these results were a huge shock to everyone, including his teachers. Our son told us on results day because of his teachers not predicting him high grades for his UCAS application, he decided to do badly on purpose on all the tests, mocks etc. At this point I am just lost as to why he needed to act that way as we were getting emails at home telling us that he isn't doing anything in lessons etc when at home he was revising and sticking to a routine. I think I have raised somewhat of an insane child. WHO DOES THAT?!

He wasn't exactly a model student at school. He was bright but messed around quite a lot and didn't always put the effort in we now learn that this is on purpose at A Levels, GCSE he was fine but he liked his teachers at GCSE. We did speak to the school several times about his predicted grades because we felt they were quite low but they wouldn't budge, which I do understand to an extent.

The problem is that his predicted grades limited his university choices. He applied to five universities, including some very competitive ones, but was rejected from three.Then results day came around and he achieved 3 A stars and an A.He's now decided to take a gap year and reapply for Engineering, with Cambridge and Bath being two of the universities he's interested in.
We're supportive of the gap year. We actually think it could be a good opportunity for him, particularly as he now has achieved grades rather than predicted grades. We have spoken to Bath admissions and, because he previously applied, they already have his application and results. They've said his achieved grades would make his application very competitive, although obviously nothing is guaranteed and the rest of the application and selection process still matters. Cambridge will obviously be much more difficult and we're under no illusion that he'll necessarily get in.

My issue is what he's actually planning to do during this gap year, it is his attitude.He worked at Waitrose for about a year, in the deli, and left recently. I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to get another job, even if just part-time, earn some money and gain some independence.
However, DH has actually told him that he "doesn't want to do such jobs" and that he's "better than that".DH owns an engineering company (a different area of engineering to what DS wants to go into) and has offered him work there instead.So DS can work for his dad, potentially doing something engineering-related, while living at home and with very little financial pressure.
And then there's the money.

DS turned 18 this summer and DH's parents gave him £34k as an 18th birthday present. I wasn't particularly comfortable with such a large amount being given to an 18-year-old, but obviously it's their money and their decision. I do understand that they are very proud of him and wanted to give him something special.But since then, he's been spending it fairly freely. He recently spent £13k on a car when the Polo he already had was perfectly fine. He's also been buying lots of things he's always wanted.

And now, because they're so proud of his A-level results, DH's parents have gifted him another £10k. They have always been quite generous with our children all throughout. Our children's JISA's are pretty much just for their grandparents to put money in for them. So he's received £44k from his grandparents in a matter of months, at 18.I genuinely don't understand it.
I know people will say "it's their money" and yes, I completely accept that. They can do whatever they want with it, and I know it's coming from a place of love and pride. But I can't help thinking that £10k could have gone straight into his savings account instead of being handed to an 18 year old
What is the point of giving an 18 year old that amount of money? Surely part of the point of helping your children financially is to give them a secure start in life, not necessarily to give them a huge amount of spending money at 18?
DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. He says DS has worked incredibly hard, got exceptional results and deserves to enjoy the money. He also thinks working for his company will give him much better experience than working in a supermarket and could potentially help with his future university application.
And I agree with some of that.I am incredibly proud of DS. I'm not trying to take anything away from his results, and I'm not against helping him financially. If anything, I think we've been very fortunate that he has grandparents who are in a position to give him this sort of support.But I worry about the overall message.
He doesn't need to get a job because Dad will give him one.
He doesn't need to worry about money because grandparents have given him £44k in 2 months.He doesn't need to keep his old car because he can spend £13k on another one.And DH is actively telling him that certain jobs are beneath him.I can't help feeling that we're setting him up to believe that life will always be this easy.

He's 18. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to have some structure, earn some of his own money and learn to manage what he has?
Or am I being completely unreasonable and should I just leave him alone?
He got fantastic results, he's got a potentially very exciting future ahead of him and the money is technically his. Maybe I'm just being an old-fashioned mum who thinks an 18 year old should have to work for things rather than have everything handed to him.

AIBU?

This thread is one of the weirdest on MN I've seen for ages.

OP says she found out on results day that her son had deliberately failed his mocks, tests etc and was in shock, but then said she told the school he was doing it to 'wind them up' during the year and they said she was lying and they've all apologised and let him tutor year 10's, even though he was getting 12% on tests and was 'messing around'. He revised 10 hours a day at weekends and did 10 past papers a week, but also did enough work at Waitrose to buy his own car and run an internet business and be an 'influencer'. His cousins all did badly in their mocks and are now surgeons and barristers, and all his friends did worse then him but the meany teachers predicted them A* anyway.

Sure.

After he'd flipped the tutor the bird did everyone stand up and applaud, OP?

So you think your son is hard working, willing to learn, humble, good with budgeting and saving .. so what are you worried about?

He is being spoiled but you’re saying that he’s still got a lot of good qualities beside that. He’s a prime example for how unfair the world is but if he has all the qualities you’re saying he does I’m not sure why this is a problem for you.

Buckled down after the predicted grades.
Got 12% in tests and refused to answer questions in class.

Jesus Christ. It’s just A levels. Sure he did well but his attitude absolutely sucks and I’d be very ashamed of him in all honesty.

Nobody needs handed £44k just for sitting and passing exams.

I don’t know what the answer is but it sounds like you’ve got an entitled young man on your hands <trying so hard to be polite here>.

His predicted grades were already good - just not good enough to demonstrate his clear ability.

I do think he’s better working in something relevant with his father than working in a supermarket. The amount of money his grandparents have given him at 18 with no conditions is excessive. They could have helped him more wisely, How many other grandchildren do they have? They must be extremely well off.

Sounds like your son takes after his dad.

Your in laws are pure fools to give that much money to this 18year old. What a way to pour money down the drain. Still a fool and his money are often easily parted.

I don't know what you can do now OP. Your son is pretty much reared and this is who he is. I wouldn't be happy with it but not sure what you can do now- especially since his dad and his family seem to be cut from the same cloth.

I wonder if he was protecting himself from the pressure of high expectations.
He WAS working hard, you just didn't see it - that's the important part.

The money is a pain. It's a shame the grandparents didn't have a conversation with you about the best way to manage that kind of gift.

Let him work out his own way forward, he clearly works better that way.

I cannot do much about him starting his own business I am certainly not against my 18 year old son having a decent small business that he has managed to keep up with now for a few years.

Maybe that was the wrong phrase to use sure

OP, I’ve read the whole thread and above all I’m shocked at the names that people have called your son. I won’t repeat them but reading them made me angry. He’s an 18 year old kid for God’s sake.

From what you’ve said, your son, a bright and academically capable young man, got upset that his teachers didn’t want to give him predicted grades which reflected his potential and in retaliation, decided to do an “I’ll show them”. And he did. He got excellent grades in the most challenging subjects. The teachers sound a bit dim in my opinion, and it wouldn’t be the first time. Maybe your son was extra and shouldn’t have shown a teacher the middle finger but that’s it. I think the rest of his behaviour whilst not great, was fine, nothing outrageous, and he did what mattered - got fantastic grades and secured the next part of his academic journey.

Re the money, some of it being spent on a car at his age is indulgent (£13k? £5k would be tolerable). The biggest issue there is you/your DH/DGP should teach him to invest it / save the vast majority of it, after spending some on A level grades celebration. That’s something I would absolutely insist on. He’s done now with blowing steam with the spending. The rest then just becomes wasteful, which I think you already know.

Working for his dad in an engineering company makes perfect sense. In that gap year, I also suggest he does a few internships in similar firms if possible, and get recommendations from his line managers for his university applications. Unless the teacher is petty and small-minded, they aren’t likely to give a bad recommendation, but an external professional recommendation carries extra weight. Even with Cambdrige which can be annoying about academic references. I think he has a very good chance at Oxbridge and you should be enjoying his achievements. I wish him the best of luck.

We did seem him work hard ? which is why the school kept telling us that we were lying about him going to the library etc on weekends

Nothing OP has said about his behavior would point to ASPD. There’s a vast, vast difference between being immature and obnoxious on occasion, and psychopathy.

Literally everyone displays traits that are present in those with personality disorders, which is a major reason for them being so difficult to diagnose. The difference between a normal personality and a disordered one isn’t simply in the presence of certain traits in, but the degree to which those traits are exhibited, and how pervasively.

Yes, you saw he went to the library.

They saw 12% in exams and being unable (refusing) to answer questions in the classroom.

agree

Everyone is saying psychopathy, sociopathy etc my friend is a psychiatrist and I told her about this situation regarding him pretending to be stupid at school after the teachers refused to change his predicted grades for UCAS and she found it funny and knows him seems to just be a determined 18 yo nothing else he has done means he is a psychopath, if putting a middle finger to a teacher and laughing is grounds for that then many kids would be psychopaths for various things like that. I do not think people on here can diagnose him without even knowing him. As I have said multiple times the school has known him since he was 4 years old, he has had a discussion with his head of year about what was going on and why he acted that way, ie his friend who got Cs and Ds was predicted As after his parents spoke to the school and explained, the school apologised regarding predicted grades. Each year there seems to be a situation at the school regarding predicted grades, I understand they were under a lot of pressure not to inflate them which was why we left it. I did not come here to call my son names he is my son.

So in the space of one thread the son has gone from arrogant arsehole with worryingly arrogant arsehole father to hard working entrepreneurial apologetic wonderful role model to younger students? Honestly, you couldn't make it up. Oh wait....

I'm sure your son will be absolutely fine OP and never have to struggle in life.

The teachers gave him predicted grades which reflected his performance in lessons and exams. He knuckled down only after seeing his arse at the teachers for giving evidence-based predicted grades.

And it would be good for him if he had simply done the work and upped his grades. Instead he engaged in an elaborate revenge plot which deliberately disrupted the learning of others, wasted hours and hours of time for his parents and teachers, and diverted time and resources from students who genuinely needed it. People are calling his behaviour what it is - selfish.

Astonishing isn't it?

Partnership with a car...

Which was why we left it

Ha, he went full Good Will Hunting during his A-levels

I deliberately failed my French GCSE exam because I had a Socratic, evidence-based reason of "I hated the teacher", ended up with a D.

Rebellion and a big FU to her - that all made sense to my 16 year-old brain

If he has pulled 3 A* and A while acting dumb, that attitude probably won't get him through uni, where there is far less structure. You either turn up to lectures, do the essays/revision in your own time and motivation, or you don't... meaning you might not even get past the low bar score of a 40% pass mark for year 1 modules.

He's got the talent, but being a rebel at uni is a good way to waste a lot of everyone's time and not the best use of student debt.

£44k at 18 is a wild amount that only a minority of people his age will ever experience. It either makes him realise he's very lucky and privileged to have such as sizeable financial cushion for future investment, or it makes him overly comfortable, complacent, expectant and unmotivated - which is probably the worst combination for an intelligent person planned on going to uni, he simply won't have the hunger for when it gets difficult.

It would have been far better had they put the money away and then gave him enough each year to cover his tuition fees!

I do honestly think given his attitude and sense of entitlement you’ll struggle to get him to go to university!

I have not disagreed that he my be arrogant that is the crux of why i made the post but lots seem to make assumptions, saying he probably doesn't help around the house etc but do not even know him only know as much as I have put

He is on the path of going off the rails…….i could be wrong but this isn’t healthy….he may end up going to the university of life…but of course I hope he will prove me wrong for all your sakes

Of course he will be entrepreneurial, DH and I both have our own businesses and DH has always told him not to get used to working for someone else if he can start his own thing and so he did via Ebay

So you understand why they didn’t increase his predictions? Because they didn’t have any evidence in the classroom to back up your claims. Something he could have remedied in a flash.

My friends son got low predicted grades, put in the work, attended additional classes after school and got his predictions raised. He’s starting his preferred uni course at his preferred university in a week.