AIBU to worry our son is being overindulged after his A-level results?

[NavyRobin]

Our DS got his A-level results back in August and got 3 A stars and an A. We were absolutely thrilled for him. He was originally predicted ABBB, so these results were a huge shock to everyone, including his teachers. Our son told us on results day because of his teachers not predicting him high grades for his UCAS application, he decided to do badly on purpose on all the tests, mocks etc. At this point I am just lost as to why he needed to act that way as we were getting emails at home telling us that he isn't doing anything in lessons etc when at home he was revising and sticking to a routine. I think I have raised somewhat of an insane child. WHO DOES THAT?!

He wasn't exactly a model student at school. He was bright but messed around quite a lot and didn't always put the effort in we now learn that this is on purpose at A Levels, GCSE he was fine but he liked his teachers at GCSE. We did speak to the school several times about his predicted grades because we felt they were quite low but they wouldn't budge, which I do understand to an extent.

The problem is that his predicted grades limited his university choices. He applied to five universities, including some very competitive ones, but was rejected from three.Then results day came around and he achieved 3 A stars and an A.He's now decided to take a gap year and reapply for Engineering, with Cambridge and Bath being two of the universities he's interested in.
We're supportive of the gap year. We actually think it could be a good opportunity for him, particularly as he now has achieved grades rather than predicted grades. We have spoken to Bath admissions and, because he previously applied, they already have his application and results. They've said his achieved grades would make his application very competitive, although obviously nothing is guaranteed and the rest of the application and selection process still matters. Cambridge will obviously be much more difficult and we're under no illusion that he'll necessarily get in.

My issue is what he's actually planning to do during this gap year, it is his attitude.He worked at Waitrose for about a year, in the deli, and left recently. I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to get another job, even if just part-time, earn some money and gain some independence.
However, DH has actually told him that he "doesn't want to do such jobs" and that he's "better than that".DH owns an engineering company (a different area of engineering to what DS wants to go into) and has offered him work there instead.So DS can work for his dad, potentially doing something engineering-related, while living at home and with very little financial pressure.
And then there's the money.

DS turned 18 this summer and DH's parents gave him £34k as an 18th birthday present. I wasn't particularly comfortable with such a large amount being given to an 18-year-old, but obviously it's their money and their decision. I do understand that they are very proud of him and wanted to give him something special.But since then, he's been spending it fairly freely. He recently spent £13k on a car when the Polo he already had was perfectly fine. He's also been buying lots of things he's always wanted.

And now, because they're so proud of his A-level results, DH's parents have gifted him another £10k. They have always been quite generous with our children all throughout. Our children's JISA's are pretty much just for their grandparents to put money in for them. So he's received £44k from his grandparents in a matter of months, at 18.I genuinely don't understand it.
I know people will say "it's their money" and yes, I completely accept that. They can do whatever they want with it, and I know it's coming from a place of love and pride. But I can't help thinking that £10k could have gone straight into his savings account instead of being handed to an 18 year old
What is the point of giving an 18 year old that amount of money? Surely part of the point of helping your children financially is to give them a secure start in life, not necessarily to give them a huge amount of spending money at 18?
DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. He says DS has worked incredibly hard, got exceptional results and deserves to enjoy the money. He also thinks working for his company will give him much better experience than working in a supermarket and could potentially help with his future university application.
And I agree with some of that.I am incredibly proud of DS. I'm not trying to take anything away from his results, and I'm not against helping him financially. If anything, I think we've been very fortunate that he has grandparents who are in a position to give him this sort of support.But I worry about the overall message.
He doesn't need to get a job because Dad will give him one.
He doesn't need to worry about money because grandparents have given him £44k in 2 months.He doesn't need to keep his old car because he can spend £13k on another one.And DH is actively telling him that certain jobs are beneath him.I can't help feeling that we're setting him up to believe that life will always be this easy.

He's 18. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to have some structure, earn some of his own money and learn to manage what he has?
Or am I being completely unreasonable and should I just leave him alone?
He got fantastic results, he's got a potentially very exciting future ahead of him and the money is technically his. Maybe I'm just being an old-fashioned mum who thinks an 18 year old should have to work for things rather than have everything handed to him.

AIBU?

On the plus side he sounds like he's going to be leader of the Conservative Party by the time he's forty!

I can believe they apologised - if forced to do so or if they needed his permission to use his exam as an example for future classes.

That is a little bit unhinged but I fall somewhere in the middle. I would definitely encourage working at an engineering firm instead of a supermarket. Do also bear in mind that a lot of gap years are spent travelling. Working and earning in a somewhat relevant field while living at home is likely to be a lot more valuable long term.

It’s also great that he clearly has the ability to focus and work hard, that bodes very well. If this little scheme was the motivation he needed to keep his head down in the library for 8 hours every Saturday then so be it.

The way he spends money is a bit more concerning (and is not just an age thing, I was a very sensible teenager and always invested any money that came my way). However, he has just done pretty well so it may be that he’s rewarding himself and it will settle down? Also, £13k seems like a pretty sensible amount to spend on a decent, reliable car, if you have the money. Has he spent most of the lump sums or just quite a big chunk?

You could suggest investments in a positive way and as help with funding for when he’s at uni, but do you know that he’s not also doing that?

I get the attitude to the school if they didn’t believe in him and support him to make the applications that were right for him but obviously it depends how far it goes - probably not a great attitude to have at work.

With respect, it does sort of sound like his life generally will be relatively easy if he has wealthy family, family connections, the ability to work hard when he wants to and intelligence? He also clearly knows what he wants and is quite determined.

TBH, although he probably comes across as very entitled (and I certainly don’t approve of him sticking his middle finger up at anyone), I really wouldn’t be worried.

They'll just get the mark scheme from the board..

Doesn’t say that in the posts from OP though, she is concerned regards him spending it away!

This entire thread has made me feel so poor.

All the poors!!!

Yes exactly.

This isnt normal at all.

I don't even understand A' level grades these days.

Straight A's seem much easier to come by in this day and age.
A couple of relatives got straight A's and both got into Cambridge 40 odd years ago.

They've told me themselves it was not usual to get such high grades , not in a boastful way but in a matter of fact way.

Your son may not even get into Cambridge.
Of my relatives' sons-both very bright straight A's in the hard science subjects -only one got in, the other did not.
Don't assume straight A's will be enough.

Not good at entrance interview, perhaps?

What I'm trying to say is that when your son gets into university - even if, especially if, it's a prestigious one - possible grade inflation may bring him down to earth when the degree course proper starts.

I'm also just going on the observations of people who have been there and bought the t-shirt as they say these days.

Even if I'm wrong and all these high grades are because teenagers are far brighter these days and not grade inflation he won't be a big fish in a little pond any longer. That's for sure.

To be honest, it's like you're the only one who can see his flaws.
Which is odd as mothers can't usually. Maybe your instincts tell you he's a bit off?

No judgement on that, just an observation.

I am not saying it is easy I am merely saying access to the internet has given this new generation access to lots more opportunity my son would probably have not started a business easily without the internet and reaching an audience through his Instagram and tiktok enough to have brands contact him for promotion. He did an AD for a company and they paid him 2k for a 5 minute video. These sorts of opportunities were not available when I was growing up, that is all I am saying. I am not saying it is easy I would not be able to navigate it as well as my eldest son, he seems to have in terms of social media and how to make money on there in my day my friends and I just got jobs at the local farm shop/supermarket. Not everything I am saying is absolute just a statement based on my son's experiences on social media and brands contacting him to work for them and do ads that is all

People like that will always stay working for their parents because it’s the one place they can get away with being little Mussolinis. Other people won’t put up with it.

(……..I may or may not have had “the boss’s son” as a manager before……….)

You (but escpecially your DH) have created an extremely unpleasant and entitield young man by the sounds of it
No idea how you fix it but as your H seems to be a large part of the problem I don't think that you will.
Uni might be good for him though, he won't be the smartest or the richest there and will hopefully get pulled back to Earth pretty quickly
No guarantees though, he may well continue to be a complete Dick for the rest of his life

She didn’t say she’s worried about him spending it because doing so means he won’t be able to afford university, or a deposit. She said nothing about being worried about funding university, or future deposits.

Some posters are assuming that he’s lacking both, when this may not be the case at all.

Heh, just last week there was a thread where general consensus was that you ain’t getting far in life for being nice - as much as it’s drilled into us, it is not how life works. Now, OPs son wasn’t mean or actively harmful to anyone he just did an “I told you so” to the teachers an intellect version of a movie makeover reveal, just instead of a girl in glasses turning into a confident bombshell he did a turn around from “you’re setting your sights to high” to proving the teachers’ wrong. Honestly, good on him if he has that much grit and perseverance in him - possibly try and get him to channel it without the revenge vibe. Yes, it would be bloody annoying to be told you’re not good enough without any evidence- and arguably they were wrong. You would think a private school that had known a kid for more than a decade should know better, I’d be upset too. If my child’s teachers called me to say I’m lying about him revising - I would be annoyed as a parent. Now, as the young person, the only way of doing: “I’ll show them” is to play the long game- cause if they can see you “improving” than you won’t hear the end of how it’s down to them motivating him. As much as it will annoy many people here - I think there’s a good chance your son will get far in life.
I also don’t think you really have anything to worry about money-wise OP. You say yourself he knows the value of money, he earned himself enough to buy a used car. But at the same time the money from grandparents was a gift so he’s treating himself, he knows he’s getting a house deposit - and between private schools and gifts like that being in a position of needing to worry about money at some point in life is just not likely, so why on earth should he be careful. He knows well how to earn it - he understands it doesn’t grow on trees (though it is close to that in your family seemingly). His dad is giving him a job that is relevant to his studies, as long as he applies himself to it and not just takes the money that will benefit him more than working in waitrose. I think he’s 18 and he’s overly confident (duh!) but as long as he’s kind (not polite) and cares about others -it will all be fine.

I’m surprised how many people do not understand where you’re coming from. I do and it’s a really tricky one, especially when you would have been stressed having to deal with the school at the time, to now find out it was all an act. You also don’t want him to turn out spoilt and entitled, you want him to appreciate life and understand consequences, but right now he’s been given everything on a plate.

Even harder when your DH is not on the same page as you. I think you need to let him waste the money, learn from it and hope it makes him realise what he could have done with it, especially when he starts working and realises it’s hard and it was a lot of money that some people have to work a whole year for.

oh lord he's an influencer as well.

@NavyRobin - just enjoy the son you have and step away from this thread! Everything you post just makes people more likely to tell you that your son sounds like an entitled brat, which is terrible.

Well this will teach him the value of money. He’ll splurge it all and regret it eventually (or not, and then it’s not an issue).

It’s not your money and never was, and presumably his grandparents are happy for him to do what he sees fit with the money and gave it to him to do so.

You mention putting the £10k into his savings instead - but at 18 he could access this as easily as putting it into his current account so there isn’t much point distinguishing (he can also spend his JISA now if he wants to, FYI).

He’s got a terrible attitude, and it’ll come back to bite him one day. He’d be at Cambridge now if he’d buckled down. I wouldn’t have given someone with that attitude a job even at my company, but you can’t control nepotism and so this time he won’t learn about his attitude as your DH is protecting him. It won’t last in the outside of world, and all you can do is warn him of the possible consequences. If he carries on and these consequences come to fruition, then unlucky for him.

Given how clever he is, he will likely land on his feet in the long run and so I’d offer him the guidance and let him do what he wants with it, he is an adult now after all.

He sounds very immature. I understand why you are concerned.

But you said he was getting 12% in exams.

And wouldn’t answer questions in the classroom.

What were they supposed to think?

Some will just wilfully not understand what this is. A family friend has four sons - three have been very traditional in life but her third - the oft overlooked one - was the one that has always grafted. He launched and ran his own pizza restaurant for a number of years (they live in a very tourist heavy place down south) and is now an 'influencer' living in London in a flat he bought with a very small mortgage and is renovating it himself. He's a very hard worker and makes a fortune - far out-earning his brothers who all have normal jobs but he puts the work in.

Yes tech, car and bike companies need people to promote their stuff. He got a partnership with a car, and got to test out their electric new cars and went on a brand trip, has been to conferences where we have had tickets to go watch etc and brands like a younger face especially in terms of social media. Its a new era I am not against him having these opportunities, they pay him, they seem to like him, the posts he makes for them seem to garner lots of attention which is what the companies want.

People really overlook the power of the internet. When he first told me I thought they were scams but trust me these companies have lots of money to pay young people who are tech and social media savvy. Its nothing to sneer at

You're missing the point. He did 'buckle down' and his teachers refused to give him adequate predicted grades, and then he decided to play them at their own game.

I think he’s been overindulged in general.

As for overlooking the power of the internet, that is a little rude. Even those of us who aren’t social media ‘creators’ are fully away of the impact of the internet.