AIBU to worry our son is being overindulged after his A-level results?

[NavyRobin]

Our DS got his A-level results back in August and got 3 A stars and an A. We were absolutely thrilled for him. He was originally predicted ABBB, so these results were a huge shock to everyone, including his teachers. Our son told us on results day because of his teachers not predicting him high grades for his UCAS application, he decided to do badly on purpose on all the tests, mocks etc. At this point I am just lost as to why he needed to act that way as we were getting emails at home telling us that he isn't doing anything in lessons etc when at home he was revising and sticking to a routine. I think I have raised somewhat of an insane child. WHO DOES THAT?!

He wasn't exactly a model student at school. He was bright but messed around quite a lot and didn't always put the effort in we now learn that this is on purpose at A Levels, GCSE he was fine but he liked his teachers at GCSE. We did speak to the school several times about his predicted grades because we felt they were quite low but they wouldn't budge, which I do understand to an extent.

The problem is that his predicted grades limited his university choices. He applied to five universities, including some very competitive ones, but was rejected from three.Then results day came around and he achieved 3 A stars and an A.He's now decided to take a gap year and reapply for Engineering, with Cambridge and Bath being two of the universities he's interested in.
We're supportive of the gap year. We actually think it could be a good opportunity for him, particularly as he now has achieved grades rather than predicted grades. We have spoken to Bath admissions and, because he previously applied, they already have his application and results. They've said his achieved grades would make his application very competitive, although obviously nothing is guaranteed and the rest of the application and selection process still matters. Cambridge will obviously be much more difficult and we're under no illusion that he'll necessarily get in.

My issue is what he's actually planning to do during this gap year, it is his attitude.He worked at Waitrose for about a year, in the deli, and left recently. I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to get another job, even if just part-time, earn some money and gain some independence.
However, DH has actually told him that he "doesn't want to do such jobs" and that he's "better than that".DH owns an engineering company (a different area of engineering to what DS wants to go into) and has offered him work there instead.So DS can work for his dad, potentially doing something engineering-related, while living at home and with very little financial pressure.
And then there's the money.

DS turned 18 this summer and DH's parents gave him £34k as an 18th birthday present. I wasn't particularly comfortable with such a large amount being given to an 18-year-old, but obviously it's their money and their decision. I do understand that they are very proud of him and wanted to give him something special.But since then, he's been spending it fairly freely. He recently spent £13k on a car when the Polo he already had was perfectly fine. He's also been buying lots of things he's always wanted.

And now, because they're so proud of his A-level results, DH's parents have gifted him another £10k. They have always been quite generous with our children all throughout. Our children's JISA's are pretty much just for their grandparents to put money in for them. So he's received £44k from his grandparents in a matter of months, at 18.I genuinely don't understand it.
I know people will say "it's their money" and yes, I completely accept that. They can do whatever they want with it, and I know it's coming from a place of love and pride. But I can't help thinking that £10k could have gone straight into his savings account instead of being handed to an 18 year old
What is the point of giving an 18 year old that amount of money? Surely part of the point of helping your children financially is to give them a secure start in life, not necessarily to give them a huge amount of spending money at 18?
DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. He says DS has worked incredibly hard, got exceptional results and deserves to enjoy the money. He also thinks working for his company will give him much better experience than working in a supermarket and could potentially help with his future university application.
And I agree with some of that.I am incredibly proud of DS. I'm not trying to take anything away from his results, and I'm not against helping him financially. If anything, I think we've been very fortunate that he has grandparents who are in a position to give him this sort of support.But I worry about the overall message.
He doesn't need to get a job because Dad will give him one.
He doesn't need to worry about money because grandparents have given him £44k in 2 months.He doesn't need to keep his old car because he can spend £13k on another one.And DH is actively telling him that certain jobs are beneath him.I can't help feeling that we're setting him up to believe that life will always be this easy.

He's 18. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to have some structure, earn some of his own money and learn to manage what he has?
Or am I being completely unreasonable and should I just leave him alone?
He got fantastic results, he's got a potentially very exciting future ahead of him and the money is technically his. Maybe I'm just being an old-fashioned mum who thinks an 18 year old should have to work for things rather than have everything handed to him.

AIBU?

Exactly, particularly the insurance at that age!!

I'm glad to see that your son apologised, but I certainly wouldn't be laughing about his behaviour and letting him off the hook.

Are you the person who started a thread complaining that contextual offers are "unfair"?

He’s paid enough to run a car at that age? Frankly he doesn’t sounds mature or responsible enough to drive a car.

I’d be extremely worried about his dedication to getting one over the teachers- that’s the stand out thing in all this to me. His drive to not just do well, but to upset a group of people with his best interests at heart in his quest for being the ‘winner’ I find that genuinely very disturbing.

It’s a shame that no one seems to put as much emphasis on exam grades, universities or careers as they might do on not being a dick to others.

I like his style though, fucking with his teachers

Yeah, those teachers eh? They're all bastards. 🙄

Honestly who would be a teacher? Thank goodness some people can put up with it.

They can only give the predicted grades they can evidence and if he wasn't working, he wouldn't get the predicted grades. He made loads more extra work - the OP said she was summoned to lots of meetings at the school, which would have been extra work for the teachers. He's caused his parents loads of unnecessary worry.

But yay, he showed them, right?

Kid sounds well on the way to becoming an irredeemable psychopath, tbh.

He’s an adult now op, he may be a bit of an entitled twat but also sounds like the kind of guy that would fall into the Thames and come out with a salmon in his mouth. He’s got great opportunities, step
back and let him make his own mistakes

How does a grown man think it’s okay to act like that? It’s batshit.

Good for him! Money is there to be enjoyed as well as saved, and it’s entirely possible that they gave him the money specifically so he could have fun with it. That other grandchildren have been given the same and gone on to further success is in itself evidence that having it far from dooms him. Regardless, a holiday and a new car are not examples of wild spending.

Ime it is usual for wealthy families to impart financial acumen to their children from a young age. It is also usual that, while fun money may be given, additional funds will be there to pay for other things.

Just to be clear - your son's school deliberately underestimated his abilities, wouldn't listen to reason and negatively affected his future potential - and you're angry your son outplayed them at a game they began? You don't sound like you like him very much. Fortunately his father and grandparents appear to not only like him but understand him. I actually find your post utterly shocking and far more concerning than anything your son has done. There's a certain kind of parent that wants their children to fail and live a small, uneventful existence - it's abusive IMO.

It is normal to learn to drive but it's not a geographical thing, it's a budget thing as to whether those 17 year olds have cars. My friends and I all worked part time jobs during 6th form and in the holidays and none of us could afford to buy a car, insure it, tax it, pay for petrol etc. Same with my son and his school mates, his rugby mates though - parents are in a different tax bracket so they have the cars.

From this comment I think it's pretty clear where your son has learned this behaviour from... has your husband always been like this? Encouraging this sort of behaviour?

Incredibly spiteful and bratty behaviour from your son. Nobody's claiming that teachers are perfect, but they would have based his predicted grades on the evidence he presented in terms of exam grades, homework etc. Clearly the predicted grades were below his capability, as evidence by the fact that his actual grades improved once he started working properly. The teachers would have spent hours trying to support him to improve his grades. Him 'messing about in lessons' is certain to have disrupted learning for other students, who may not have been quite so fortunate in terms of making up time lost. Your son's selfishness and utter disregard for other students is not going to do him any favours in the long run. What good has this elaborate revenge plot done anybody? Other students have lost out on learning time and teacher support, the teachers have spent time on your son that other students genuinely needed, and your son just looks like a complete arsehole after sticking his middle finger up the teachers.

They may have accepted his apology with good grace, but I very much doubt that any of them genuinely found it funny. Someone needs to explain the concept of burning bridges to him, because he clearly doesn't understand that university admissions tutors may well ask for further information from the teachers.

The behaviour of your husband in encouraging this response is genuinely astonishing. I don't know how I couold retain any respect for a fully-grown professional adult who encourages teenagers to stick their middle finger up at anybody.

The engineering job at father's company will be fine for your son. Your husband needs to be exceptionally careful about the extent to which your son is going to piss off the rest of the workforce.

The no-strings money from grandparents is ridiculous. Somebody needs to sit down with your son and point out exactly how much he will pay out in the long term if he has to pay off student loans- £44,000 would cover a lot of tuition fees and rent.

I agree with this.

The problem isn't the job - as long as his dad actually makes him graft - it's the attitude and arrogance.

'Tricking your teachers' is a twat move as is the way he is spending the money.

Your DH should be backing you on every concern you have with the exception of where he works during his gap year.

He doesn't just have one stream of income, he is always doing various things has his own small business on Ebay that has been doing quite well, pays his taxes enough for him to want to learn more about taxes. He bought a 2006 polo that had 60k miles on it was not a Porche, our 16 year old son has saved up 5k in two months and has a small business, is using a bit of that 5k to buy his first car when he starts driving lessons. People really underestimate young people especially in this day and age where you are able to make money by having access to the internet.

Oh come on, you know as well as anyone that teachers aren't all saints. We had utter hell last year with one of DS's teachers 'losing' his coursework at the last minute and denying ever having received it which was fortunately demonstrably untrue. Nothing but nice to our faces at parents' evening, but was vile to DS and appeared to do his level best to fuck up his grade. Good on the OP's son for fighting back!

'Now results day his head of year was confused and he goes over to him and laughs in his face and puts his middle finger up at him.'

'DH has actually told him that he "doesn't want to do such jobs" and that he's "better than that"'

If this is all true than I think the men in your life sound awful, OP.

There is a lot more in life than being clever. Your DH and DS may be brilliant engineers, but what's the point if they are disliked and lose jobs and friends because they are rude and arrogant?

I am sure you must have know that you had a child with a nasty, arrogant man.

So what are you worried about??? You think he's fine right?

He's clearly going to be fine and want for nothing in this life, so why the angst? He's a brat, but he'll be okay

But you wanted him to keep working at Waitrose?

I left. The pressures in both private school and state schools, the constant discussion over predicted grades, and one particularly nasty piece of work who disrespected me in public the way this young man has done.
The grandparents giving money is the sideshow, he will most probably spend it.
There will be more on the way.
His dad can employ him in a related field, good for him.
But being this devious at such a young age just to ‘show’ up teachers, it’s not only pathetic it’s a silly game. Life is a funny old game. Teachers who often teach very high achievers can be very well-connected.
Years can pass and a potential employer can see the name of a school and think, well I know Bob who teaches chemistry at there, I will ask him. Teachers often get to know students far more than Uni staff.
If this young man goes through life behaving like this, well, best of luck to him if he thinks he’s winning.
I came from a proper working class family and had the opportunity to go to a really good school, brilliant teachers, and I did not always agree with them.
As for the DH here I’ve met so many fathers like him, teaching is for idiots, you only choose to teach when you can’t get a job, what Uni did you go to?

How on earth have you come to this conclusion? Please read the OP's post again, and more carefully. The school based his predicted grades on his PERFORMANCE, as do all teachers. That's what they do, year after year. It's not their fault the OP's son was playing silly buggers. You can think someone has potential all you like, but you have to evidence what you predict, or universities will lose faith in your establishment.

The OP is quite rightly questioning whether her son is acting like a spoiled, vindictive brat, though is now rowing back into being defensive as people are pointing out that yes, his behaviour has been incredibly unpleasant, and he has learned at the foot of her Dh, who is equally arrogant.

also - your kids are obviously bright but it's not that easy to just make £2.5K a month in your spare time, with no qualifications or work experience. If it was, we'd all do that.

Oh, yes, it's so easy to earn 5k in two months with a side hustle. All you need is the internet! Goodness, why haven't all the poors thought of that?

Seriously, I don't know what to think of this thread any more. Is it just a weird way to entertain yourself? A wind up?

Maybe but he has been driving on his grandparents farm since he was 15 and passed his driving test in a matter of months in a town he didn't learn to drive in because the tests were all booked up. As much as I am not happy with his behaviour I know what kind of driver he is, I trust him with driving. Full year of driving, drove all the way to Scotland from just outside London with his friends, they all came back in one piece a week or so after passing, drove us to France and back, no insurance issues so far, hasn't hit anyone or endangered anyone by his driving yet, has a black box, sticks to speed limits etc we trust him based on what we have seen. Buying a car doesn't automatically mean that he is a reckless driver. I think in terms of this you are just making assumptions.

I would be really worried by his mind games and sense of entitlement at his age. Nothing wrong with having nice things or seeking different work but his attitude towards a supermarket job is frankly disgusting and the manipulative approach to his A’level results is really weird.

I don’t want to be all dramatic but your son does sound like he has psychopathic tendencies. There a Jon Ronson book ‘The Psychopath Test’ which is an accessible interesting read on the subject. It’s not all serial killers, plenty of high achievers are psychopaths.

But well done him I suppose for getting the results.

No one seems to have caught that according to the OP the teachers apologized.

You couldn't make it up.