AIBU to worry our son is being overindulged after his A-level results?

[NavyRobin]

Our DS got his A-level results back in August and got 3 A stars and an A. We were absolutely thrilled for him. He was originally predicted ABBB, so these results were a huge shock to everyone, including his teachers. Our son told us on results day because of his teachers not predicting him high grades for his UCAS application, he decided to do badly on purpose on all the tests, mocks etc. At this point I am just lost as to why he needed to act that way as we were getting emails at home telling us that he isn't doing anything in lessons etc when at home he was revising and sticking to a routine. I think I have raised somewhat of an insane child. WHO DOES THAT?!

He wasn't exactly a model student at school. He was bright but messed around quite a lot and didn't always put the effort in we now learn that this is on purpose at A Levels, GCSE he was fine but he liked his teachers at GCSE. We did speak to the school several times about his predicted grades because we felt they were quite low but they wouldn't budge, which I do understand to an extent.

The problem is that his predicted grades limited his university choices. He applied to five universities, including some very competitive ones, but was rejected from three.Then results day came around and he achieved 3 A stars and an A.He's now decided to take a gap year and reapply for Engineering, with Cambridge and Bath being two of the universities he's interested in.
We're supportive of the gap year. We actually think it could be a good opportunity for him, particularly as he now has achieved grades rather than predicted grades. We have spoken to Bath admissions and, because he previously applied, they already have his application and results. They've said his achieved grades would make his application very competitive, although obviously nothing is guaranteed and the rest of the application and selection process still matters. Cambridge will obviously be much more difficult and we're under no illusion that he'll necessarily get in.

My issue is what he's actually planning to do during this gap year, it is his attitude.He worked at Waitrose for about a year, in the deli, and left recently. I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to get another job, even if just part-time, earn some money and gain some independence.
However, DH has actually told him that he "doesn't want to do such jobs" and that he's "better than that".DH owns an engineering company (a different area of engineering to what DS wants to go into) and has offered him work there instead.So DS can work for his dad, potentially doing something engineering-related, while living at home and with very little financial pressure.
And then there's the money.

DS turned 18 this summer and DH's parents gave him £34k as an 18th birthday present. I wasn't particularly comfortable with such a large amount being given to an 18-year-old, but obviously it's their money and their decision. I do understand that they are very proud of him and wanted to give him something special.But since then, he's been spending it fairly freely. He recently spent £13k on a car when the Polo he already had was perfectly fine. He's also been buying lots of things he's always wanted.

And now, because they're so proud of his A-level results, DH's parents have gifted him another £10k. They have always been quite generous with our children all throughout. Our children's JISA's are pretty much just for their grandparents to put money in for them. So he's received £44k from his grandparents in a matter of months, at 18.I genuinely don't understand it.
I know people will say "it's their money" and yes, I completely accept that. They can do whatever they want with it, and I know it's coming from a place of love and pride. But I can't help thinking that £10k could have gone straight into his savings account instead of being handed to an 18 year old
What is the point of giving an 18 year old that amount of money? Surely part of the point of helping your children financially is to give them a secure start in life, not necessarily to give them a huge amount of spending money at 18?
DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. He says DS has worked incredibly hard, got exceptional results and deserves to enjoy the money. He also thinks working for his company will give him much better experience than working in a supermarket and could potentially help with his future university application.
And I agree with some of that.I am incredibly proud of DS. I'm not trying to take anything away from his results, and I'm not against helping him financially. If anything, I think we've been very fortunate that he has grandparents who are in a position to give him this sort of support.But I worry about the overall message.
He doesn't need to get a job because Dad will give him one.
He doesn't need to worry about money because grandparents have given him £44k in 2 months.He doesn't need to keep his old car because he can spend £13k on another one.And DH is actively telling him that certain jobs are beneath him.I can't help feeling that we're setting him up to believe that life will always be this easy.

He's 18. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to have some structure, earn some of his own money and learn to manage what he has?
Or am I being completely unreasonable and should I just leave him alone?
He got fantastic results, he's got a potentially very exciting future ahead of him and the money is technically his. Maybe I'm just being an old-fashioned mum who thinks an 18 year old should have to work for things rather than have everything handed to him.

AIBU?

He’s spoilt isn’t he. I think what’s done is done - the attitude comes from DH and his parents, and is somewhat backed up by the finances and job security which comes with it. He probably doesn’t have a rude awakening coming any time either… lucky boy.

Well firstly they're probably too young for this to be an issue, god willing. But in any case so what if that is reason?

This whole UCAS predicted grades thing sounds so odd. Surely his predicted grades would be based mostly on his AS results - what were those? If they were all A* then I cannot see why his teachers wouldn’t predict that for his UCAS apps. If that’s what happened, I’d absolutely have challenged those predictions. If his AS results weren’t that good, then tough.

TBH with his big attitude he sounds like he will be a good fit for Oxbridge (there were all sorts of egos swanning around in my time and I’m sure it’s just the same now).

Stubborn, wilful and talented is a good mix in some ways - must drive you wild in other ways too!

I dont know of any 'normal' 18 year olds that have even got a car.

Maybe it is different in all parts of the country but all his friends passed their tests at 17 and got a car, he bought his polo with his own money from working at Waitrose and his paid work experience at 17. When I was 17 I passed my test and got a car its fairly normal to drive at 17 and its an important skill to have

Who knew that a part time job in Waitrose while in 6th form can earn enough to pay for a car and the insurance, tax, MOT etc, as well as whatever else he spent on it.

Schools can't give negative references but by the same token they can give coded ones as suggested above.

They won't comment on his behaviour and how he acted when there but it will be obvious too that despite the fact he clearly worked hard to get those grades it was not their experience he worked hard at school so the reference is unlikely to say he did but then again they may state he has clearly worked hard independently to secure his excellent grades. They will also state still where he achieved in relation to his cohort which was presumably high.

I think a yesr in the workplace may be good for him and enable him to mature before he does go to uni. I do know some 18 year old who get flash cars and cash which they waste.

How about suggesting he get some independent financial advice so he can grow his money for a house deposit post uni or to clear student loans then.

i think it would eb a good idea if your son sat down and worked out what exactly he wants to do with this year- what he’d enjoy and what he thinks would help his growth and development, both professionally and personally. he has the money to make some significant activities or opportunities happen. but he could piss it away. he could oiss the time away. the year isn’t long. and his applications and interviews are not far away. once his friends have left for university maybe he will focus more. after a bit of a summer blow out. but that time is coming.

he could travel.
maybe do some volunteering somewhere that would demonstrate work ethic whilst also give exposure to the world.
he could seek work placements in aligned field. in the uk or elsewhere. he has the means to pay for accommodation and thus do internships for nominal amount.
he could learn some specific skill- is there a life skill he would like to have or a professional/technical skill that would give him a leg up

having a job with his dad is an idea, but what will that do to his self esteem? will he feel proud? will he take it seriously?
my gut thought is that it would be better to make use of nepotism later, and instead do something that stretches his personal experiences.

My brother and I didn’t. Spent some, invested the rest. This kid hasn’t blown through it, either. He spent a portion of it upgrading his car. He’s also working through his gap year in his chosen field. He’s hardly going wild.

Anyway, for all we know this money is in addition to funds for his education and housing.

Yes it’s terrible. He sounds very spoilt. But it also sounds like he was born into a wealthy family and won’t really ever have to play to the rules like working class people have to. I expect he will have a life filled with old boys club network and connections getting him jobs, and inherit a lot from several people. He’ll keep company with other privileged people so he won’t stick out. People with money stick together right.

People seem to think DHs parents did not speak to us about it. They did, we told them not to, they did it anyway and our son is now 18 therefore there isn't much we can do. I am not going to take the money off him, it is in his own bank account which I do not have access to for all we know they could have sent even more. They have always been generous with all the grandchildren

It absolutely can. My son saved £18k from 6th form work and buying and reselling clothes on Vinted.

If his grandparents were feeling generous they’d have been better off paying toward uni tuition fees. It does seem like a waste to give such sums to a teenager to effectively blow on unnecessary shit.

Him working at his dad’s company makes sense though.

I'm equally surprised.

The money issue is the least of your concerns IMO. Of course it's ridiculous to give an 18-year-old a huge amount of money if he has no idea how to save prudently. But you know what they say about a fool and his money.

But the much, much larger issue is that your son sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant young man. He misbehaved at school "quite a lot" in your words, deliberately refused to work, pretended he didn't understand things he clearly did, and when he received good results in his A-levels, he literally laughed and stuck his middle finger up at one of the teachers who'd done their best to help him. Has he apologised to that teacher? If he were my son, I'd be reading him the riot act, not excusing his appalling actions because he's a good boy who unloads the dishwasher at home. 🙄

He's currently an immature, arrogant, rude, and entitled young man. He may become "successful" in the sense of attending a prestigious university and earning a high salary. But if he doesn't have a wakeup call soon and make drastic changes in the way he behaves and interacts with other people, he will never be a success as a human being.

Also schools cannot really give bad references, he has never been kicked out, has been in the same school since he was 4 years old has a good rapport with the school up until the UCAS predicted grades but has since apologised and explained why he was acting that way to the point his teachers did apologise. I do not take kindly to teachers not trusting us, we told them he is just winding them up, he revises all the time, is well known at the local library because he goes there every Saturday for 8 hours, they said we were lying, we have emails of one of the teachers telling us we are lying and pretty much saying she cannot wait for results day to see his grades subtly telling us he will fail. We chose to just leave them to their thought, we were open with them said he is just winding them up and they should offer the appropriate punishment for his behaviour but nope they just thought he was not doing any work and were waiting for him to fail just to say 'i told you so'

My Ds has just turned 18 and honestly if he had behaved in any of the ways your DS had I would've gone absolutely ballistic. I can understand why you are worried.
Your DS fucked up in the first place by not doing enough to get better predicted grades. The school aren't going to predict him A* if he isn't evidencing that- doesn't matter how smart he thinks he is. It was his fault alone. Blaming other people for his mess is the problem. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. Otherwise he won't learn. He wasn't clever enough to work out he needed to do well to get the predicted grades. Perhaps you should point that out to him. I'd worry that unless he matured he's going to fuck up university.

DS got money too from exams, birthday etc- no where near what your DS got. We sat down and discussed mortgages, savings, house prices so he understood he could fritter it or he could save. I'd talk the grandparents about keeping anymore for later.

Sounds like he is spending it judging by OPs posts .., already had a new car and now currently splashing the cash on holiday. OP hasn’t said that there’s more money for housing and uni.

Well Im pleased to hear that, I think more school kids should be working and saving personally but theres a big backlash to it on here.

Although many people may fantasise about doing what he did to the Head of Year, few people do it in real life because it is disrespectful and makes him look like a brat. I think he should go see his H o Y and apologise. Because even if he did get great grades, he still needed to attend their classes and they did put an effort into teaching them. So they shouldn't be treated with disrespect like that.

If he wants to go to Cambridge and will have perhaps some difficulties with his references from the sixth form.. then it's probably right that he ought to work in an area of engineering, even if its not the same type of engineering. It will also help with holiday work and future applications.
I'd be talking to DH to make sure that DS.. learns how to turn up on time, work hard and be respective to others at work etc.

He sounds quite independent minded and a little bit of a rebel. Which I think are good qualities. He's not scared of making his own decisions. I can completely understand how he rebelled against being told he didn't have the talent to achieve his ambition and he thought this was a way to show em all. At the same time, I think there is potentially a danger of him becoming entitled.

This is where you should step in and have an honest, adult talk with him. Just the two of you. Take him out somewhere. Try to avoid nagging but talk to him about why he did what he did and listen to the answers.

Ask if he coudln't have just let his excellent grades tell the story for him.. and allowing himself a slightly knowing smille would hava had the same effect without the disapproval, and if he wasn't partly doing it to show off to others. Also maybe try to get him to see it from the HoYs point of view.. because there's nothing wrong with thinking about other people's feelings.

But try to have this as an exchange of views conversation, rather than it coming across as a telling off.

Regarding the money. I'd get him down to a financial advisor pronto. He needs to make sure he salts a good proportion of it away... so that he's not in debt and uni and comes out with some money to pay towards accomodation.
Get some facts and figures ready.

And yes. He should go away and travel for a few months.. Firstly berceuse he can afford it, he will have to rough it a bit, it will make him more indepedent and self reliant.
But all in all, I wouldn't repent too much. He is in a very very fortunate position, but he has a parent who won't let it all go to his head.

Look how much Waitrose pay per hour, when he was 17 he was doing overtime shifts all the time during Christmas holiday in year 12 he worked pretty much 5 days a week, the summer before he turned 17 he did a paid internship at an engineering firm for 4 weeks who paid him £1.3k, he was just doing mainly coding as he has been interested in coding since he was about 13/14 when he dad first taught him and the company just wanted cheap labour if I am being honest, it was Dhs's friend's company. My son also has his own bike parts reselling business that he has had since he was 15, he has always worked in different ways so I think he is able to buy a 2006 polo that has 60k miles on it already

OP, I don’t think you’re getting quite what you expected from this thread. It’s to your credit that you are disappointed with your son’s behaviour and concerned about his GPs gifting an 18 year old such large sums of money. I think you posted expecting sensible people to agree with you and that is broadly what has happened.
BUT - I don’t think you were expecting so many people (most of whom sound as if they live in the real world) to express such shock at your son’s deceitful and arrogant attitude. As PPs have said, that level of planning to execute his “revenge” on his teachers is not normal. Why did he feel it to be necessary? You’ve given the excuse that his teachers would not upgrade his predicted results. I’m not sure there isn’t more to it. Most 6th form students are too busy fitting in with their peer group, doing their best at school if they have their sights set on university, managing the myriad pressures on young people in today’s world etc.
in addition, you must surely realise that the privileges your son has been born into and will continue to have are not enjoyed by the vast majority of people in this country? I speak as someone from an ordinary background who worked hard and, combined with a bit of luck along the way, eventually retired from a very well paid job. I still have nothing like the sums you refer to as being gifted to your son and his cousins for my own children but I know I’m fortunate compared to many others.
This seems to me to be proof, if any were needed, that sadly family wealth often doesn’t build character.

People are underestimating 14-18 year olds, my son before he received all this money had saved up 11k himself in those years from various work such as his business selling bike parts, work experience and Waitrose. He knows about money and how to save, he is excited at getting free money from his grandparents without having to do much work but I think if he did not have that he would have still worked enough to save up and buy the 13k car by next year