DH playing football on birthday

[sadtired2]

Please help me get my head straight here, it’s our DC’s first birthday tomorrow.

We are just going to take them and their older sibling to softplay and get lunch then go to my mum’s for cake.

Whilst I was bathing our eldest, he asked what time we are going to softplay, I said I hadn’t thought of it yet and he said I need to be back by 1 to leave to play football.

I was actually in shock, who goes and plays football on their child’s birthday?

I’ll keep it short, it’s not been an easy year for us, I’ve had PPD and I’m now pregnant again following contraception failure, I have a termination booked this week and I am spiralling with guilt over that.

I put the children to bed and just felt so angry that I left without saying a word, I went to my parents and I calmed down, had some dinner, sat with them for the evening and came back and he’s still up.

He doesn’t see a problem with us going to soft play, then us going to watch him play football, I’ve got a 3 year old who wouldn’t be able to run around and a 1 year old who’d have to sit in his pram for almost 2 hours. He said it’s unfair because the 1 year old doesn’t know it’s his birthday and he now can’t play football because it’s me who doesn’t want to go and watch “like many of the wives and kids do”. We have been a few times, the women are older and their kids are older so enjoy it (I’d say the youngest there is 9) they don’t have to keep a 3 year old entertained.

He has the opportunity to go to football 3 times a week, he plays for one team on a Monday night, has training Thursday night then matches on Sundays.

I am in such a bad, tired, emotionally done mood with the PPD that I genuinely question if I am being unfair here?

If we went to football, we’d be at my parents for 5pm, by the time we’d had cake and left it would be 6. 3 year old is back at nursery Monday so I wanted her bathed and in bed for half 6.

I need to hear others thoughts on this.

YABU - go and watch the football
YANBU - he should have not agreed to play football on his childs birthday

If people realise this why are they saying it’s not a big deal and he should go and play? Why are posters discussing how boring or otherwise football is? A simple reading of the opening post makes it clear there is way more going on than football, and yet poster after poster is saying the child won’t know it’s their birthday - when is bloody obvious the mother will know it’s the weekend before her termination after a year of ppd.

Sometimes when you’re in the middle of a mess you focus on the detail and you may post about a detail - those of us not in the middle, those of us who aren’t drowning may be able to see the bigger picture and lend a hand. Apparently, not for some people.

Christ on a bike, he is a selfish, selfish man, playing football three times a week while his wife does all the work.

I appreciate it but no I completely agree.

It’s literally 1 day out of the year that he can’t put himself at the top of the pecking order.

It’s one thing that it’s his child’s first birthday (and no one wants to stand in a field watching him play on their birthday) but also that OP needs a bit of extra support and love right now and all he can think about is himself.

He is an incredibly selfish man.

Also 6.30 is a ridiculous bedtime.

I was actually in shock, who goes and plays football on their child’s birthday?

In shock? I don’t play football, but if I did, I would do it on my child’s birthday. I went to the gym on both my children’s birthdays this year. They survived, and they are both old enough to know what a birthday is.

If the issue is his frequent football playing in general (and 2 nights a week plus a weekend day is quite a lot with two young children imo) then I’d agree with you. Especially as I assume you don’t get the same amount of free time.

I think it's strange you haven't discussed this in advance as his football is a regular commitment. I'd probably have made plans to celebrate the birthday on the Saturday instead (assuming everyone is free on Saturdays of course). Your one year has no clue it's his birthday and, even if he did, it's no big deal to celebrate on a different day. He'll end up doing that most years anyway assuming parties will happen at the weekend.

As it is I agree with what others have said. You could go to soft play together then he goes to football and you go to your mum's. He can join you there later.

What have you decided to do?

Why on earth does he think you and the kids want to watch him play football? That's the only unreasonable thing here.

In the same way that a one year old has no concept of a birthday, they have no concept of their daddy being a star running around on a football pitch with 21 other men. Nor does a three year old, for that matter. I would never subject my kids to this long stretch of tedium. I've been and supported children (muttering under my breath"another hour of my life I'll never get back") but another adult doesn't need this.

He goes to football three times a week. He can miss one day, his child's birthday.

Everyone saying the kid doesn't know, people should be able to do adult things etc - of course. But not that one day, and a first birthday is also about celebrating your family and making it through that first year.

Yeah that’s what matters in this thread. FFS.
Make sure you stick the boot in to the OP a little bit more. It’s not like she is going through a difficult time having what could be one of the worst weeks of her life. You tell her.

Can’t he go play football and you go to your parents and save him some food for when he gets there?

Just want to say thank you to everyone who saw the bigger picture and offered kindness. I appreciate you all.

Just to point out, a 6:30 bedtime for a just turned 3 year old who gets up at 7 isn’t ridiculous. We have cuddles and a book and she’s asleep by 7.

He can opt in and out of what Sundays he plays and I have absolutely taken the children to watch matches when it’s been finals etc.

There are 2 dates a year I’d appreciate he didn’t play, our children’s birthdays. I don’t care if he plays on mine, I’m an adult, no big deal. I support that he has a hobby, I just don’t support it on our child’s birthday.

A family day out for your child’s birthday might not be a big deal to you, but it is to me. I want to celebrate them.

Isn’t it absolutely obvious from the tone of the op, that this isn’t an equal relationship? Both having equal downtime is obviously absolutely fine if that’s what you’ve decided to do as a couple, but I’ll bet if I read on further from here, the op will spell out (I didn’t think it would be necessary) that she doesn’t get any time.

assuming that op, I wouldn’t be ever watching him play football, and I’d be going out myself instead.