DH playing football on birthday

[sadtired2]

Please help me get my head straight here, it’s our DC’s first birthday tomorrow.

We are just going to take them and their older sibling to softplay and get lunch then go to my mum’s for cake.

Whilst I was bathing our eldest, he asked what time we are going to softplay, I said I hadn’t thought of it yet and he said I need to be back by 1 to leave to play football.

I was actually in shock, who goes and plays football on their child’s birthday?

I’ll keep it short, it’s not been an easy year for us, I’ve had PPD and I’m now pregnant again following contraception failure, I have a termination booked this week and I am spiralling with guilt over that.

I put the children to bed and just felt so angry that I left without saying a word, I went to my parents and I calmed down, had some dinner, sat with them for the evening and came back and he’s still up.

He doesn’t see a problem with us going to soft play, then us going to watch him play football, I’ve got a 3 year old who wouldn’t be able to run around and a 1 year old who’d have to sit in his pram for almost 2 hours. He said it’s unfair because the 1 year old doesn’t know it’s his birthday and he now can’t play football because it’s me who doesn’t want to go and watch “like many of the wives and kids do”. We have been a few times, the women are older and their kids are older so enjoy it (I’d say the youngest there is 9) they don’t have to keep a 3 year old entertained.

He has the opportunity to go to football 3 times a week, he plays for one team on a Monday night, has training Thursday night then matches on Sundays.

I am in such a bad, tired, emotionally done mood with the PPD that I genuinely question if I am being unfair here?

If we went to football, we’d be at my parents for 5pm, by the time we’d had cake and left it would be 6. 3 year old is back at nursery Monday so I wanted her bathed and in bed for half 6.

I need to hear others thoughts on this.

YABU - go and watch the football
YANBU - he should have not agreed to play football on his childs birthday

And here we have the real issue.
This is what you need to be discussing with him. He goes out 3 times a week and you don't. You need to discuss whether he thinks this is fair and would be happy if the situation was reversed, and then see if he is willing to change this. If not then I think you need to consider whether you want to stay with him.

Well that needs to change doesn't it!? He sounds absolutely shit. The 1 and 3 year old can stand and watch me play football!? I know what my answer would be. What a dick.

Yeah so do we, we have another 364 days in the year to do so.

Did he just presume you would be going to your parents by then?

You need reliable pockets of free time too.
He needs to pull his weight.
You don't need to waste your weekend time watching a bunch of grown men chasing a ball, especially with bored young children in tow.
He should have checked birthday plans before commiting himself.

He's a selfish man to the detriment of his family.

I agree with this.

All go to soft play in the morning then tell your DH whilst he plays football you will go to your mums

I remember all my children’s first birthdays even though they don’t , we did something as a family. Perfectly reasonable to arrange this. Context is everything here - the fact that the OP only just found out he was planning football , the fact that he already gets to go multiple times a week, the fact that he selfishly expect the OP to spend two hours entertaining small children at a football match but the absolute worst is his refusal to discuss the fact that the poor OP is having to go through a termination in the middle of all this. A decent man would be making an extra effort to support his wife at this time . This could include giving up football on one afternoon to spend family time, even if this doesn’t absolutely suit his wishes. He sounds unbelievably selfish.

To the people saying ‘the kid doesn’t know it’s their birthday’- so what? The parents do and it’s clearly important to the mother who grew them, birthed them and raised them for the past year. It is an important milestone to acknowledge and really poor parenting and husbanding that the father doesn’t see it that way.

This.

Honestly I wouldn't care, but I also wouldn't go and watch.

Yeah, so acknowledge it with a balloon and some cake and sing happy birthday. That’s 30mins of your day. To devote the whole day to a 1 yo birthday is frankly ridiculous.

I think it is fine to say - please could you miss the match this one time? It is important to me we have this as a day for us. I appreciate it.
doesn’t need to be a fight, you just see it different - he isn’t being bad, he just is coming from a different angle.
If he refuses, then I would probably just go from soft play to my mums and meet him there after the match.

I think it’s really shitty behaviour from your husband to be honest.

Children’s birthdays are important and should be celebrated. The one year old may not remember but the older sibling will notice dad isn’t there.

You’re having a tough time OP and your husband needs to acknowledge that better and support you more. Sounds like you’re juggling a lot and you’ll be left to juggle more on an important milestone birthday for your youngest child.

Yes parents can have hobbies but there needs to be equitable parenting commitment still.

Also just to say I was in a similar situation - PPD with a newborn, pregnant again, termination. It was a hard time but I have no regrets and am through the other side now.

It’s not the football as such - and it’s not the birthday either - everyone needs some fitness and down time and some year old won’t know anything

it’s the way he’s leaving you to look after the kids, expecting the family to work to his timetable , and not giving you the extra love and attention that you deserve right now

Considering what you are currently going through, he is being a right dickhead. I’m so sorry for your troubles and hope you can recover and heal from this time swiftly x

Is he going to go to football while you have a termination? I'm just flabbergasted that he is in complete denial. You're going through something and he can't stick around for birthday of one of his kids? It's not the birthday, of course the baby won't know, but it's you who needs to support. Tell him!

I think your hormones and your depression are clouding the issue here.

You doing everything, make time for yourself, If you don't, why not?

I remember my husband working on our first DD birthday, yes I was annoyed at time time, but we had cake when he got home and then went out at the weekends, she had no idea at all.

If we went to football, we’d be at my parents for 5pm, by the time we’d had cake and left it would be 6. 3 year old is back at nursery Monday so I wanted her bathed and in bed for half 6.

Would going to bed 30 mins late be such a terrible thing?

@Weekmindedfool I always find parents like you hilarious. How dare my kids expect a day of quality time on their birthdays. 30 minutes will do. I’m not just a parent. What about meeeee and myyyyy hobbies and myyyy time im so super important not like those silly parents who give their children time and attention.

@sadtired2 ignore the weird posters here. I’ve never met any parent who has said sod my kids birthday I’m off to do something for me I’m not just a parent. I would expect it to be a family day with some quality time spent with DC even if that’s just playing at home as they are one.

Are you aware that Mumsnet is a support forum. Thats just plain nasty to say to someone suffering PPD with a forthcoming termination and a selfish husband who had lots of free time to kick a bag of wind about but does nothing for his wife or family.

You mentioned PPD, an unplanned pregnancy and a termination this week, all while parenting two very young children. You’re in an incredibly vulnerable and exhausting place. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this.

Honestly, I think this is bigger than the birthday or football. You need and deserve some proper support around you right now. Please reach out for professional support if you can. Home-Start in your area may also be worth looking into, even if you don’t have much personal support, you shouldn’t have to carry all of this alone.

Sending you love and strength❤️

A day of quality time? You can still have a day of “quality time” without an all day celebration or both parents being present all the time. And I’m pretty sure a 1 year old has fairly minimal expectations about what constitutes quality time.