DH playing football on birthday

[sadtired2]

Please help me get my head straight here, it’s our DC’s first birthday tomorrow.

We are just going to take them and their older sibling to softplay and get lunch then go to my mum’s for cake.

Whilst I was bathing our eldest, he asked what time we are going to softplay, I said I hadn’t thought of it yet and he said I need to be back by 1 to leave to play football.

I was actually in shock, who goes and plays football on their child’s birthday?

I’ll keep it short, it’s not been an easy year for us, I’ve had PPD and I’m now pregnant again following contraception failure, I have a termination booked this week and I am spiralling with guilt over that.

I put the children to bed and just felt so angry that I left without saying a word, I went to my parents and I calmed down, had some dinner, sat with them for the evening and came back and he’s still up.

He doesn’t see a problem with us going to soft play, then us going to watch him play football, I’ve got a 3 year old who wouldn’t be able to run around and a 1 year old who’d have to sit in his pram for almost 2 hours. He said it’s unfair because the 1 year old doesn’t know it’s his birthday and he now can’t play football because it’s me who doesn’t want to go and watch “like many of the wives and kids do”. We have been a few times, the women are older and their kids are older so enjoy it (I’d say the youngest there is 9) they don’t have to keep a 3 year old entertained.

He has the opportunity to go to football 3 times a week, he plays for one team on a Monday night, has training Thursday night then matches on Sundays.

I am in such a bad, tired, emotionally done mood with the PPD that I genuinely question if I am being unfair here?

If we went to football, we’d be at my parents for 5pm, by the time we’d had cake and left it would be 6. 3 year old is back at nursery Monday so I wanted her bathed and in bed for half 6.

I need to hear others thoughts on this.

YABU - go and watch the football
YANBU - he should have not agreed to play football on his childs birthday

I think it’s unreasonable that he knew what was planned but still expected to be playing football without any discussion with you but I thinks it’s wildly unreasonable that he expects you to go & watch as the other wives & kids do. You couldn’t pay me to waste a day off to stand around in a field watching a load of blokes playing amateur football. Just go to your mums after soft play & if he chooses to go to football then so be it but sod going to watch him

It's absolutely fine - the kid doesn't even know it's their birthday. Hard-working adults need hobbies and relaxation, so I don't see the problem with the football.

Typical bloody selfish man who cant stop thinking about his own needs for even one day. At the very least he should be supporting you. Id probably have a complete meltdown.

He thinks his hobby should be a family hobby and gives you no time to do your own hobby and thinks his child's birthday should center around him.

Yeah I get the 1yo doesn't know it's their birthday. But you know that this is a year since you birthed that 1yo. It's a family event that most men would understand "sorry I can't be at football next weekend, it's my child's birthday." It's not hard.

If he won't drop football let him go, go to your parents, celebrate your child's birthday. I wouldn't be standing in a field for 2 hours with a couple of toddlers watching men have a kick about. Unless you're missing out that he plays for England or some shit.

And you need to start getting time to yourself too.

Make sure you have support for your termination, even if that means going to your parents for a few nights to be looked after properly if they are supportive parents. It is absolutely a time you are entitled to prioritise yourself.

I think you are distressed and overwhelmed and he sounds dismissive and selfish. Of course you don't want to sit and watch him play football with two very young children, regardless of it being the baby's birthday. The distress over the pregnancy is making this feel much worse for you than it would otherwise but it doesn't take away from him being selfish and thoughtless.

My ex was like this. Booked football and tennis most weekends..

The issue isn't as such the football. The issue is that he doesn't want to be present, and particularly at a time when he is needed for lots of reasons.

Forget this weekend. He made his choice. The child won't know the difference

But ... What do you want your future to be? And once you get that picture the proper work starts with the relationship or not.

Lots of hugs for the next few weeks

Can he go and play footie? Or would you not want him to be gone?

I mean I’d expect DH not to say he was available on DS’ birthday if he knew they didn’t enjoy watching and he wouldn’t nap, to be honest… but I’d probably also not be too fussed about him going. Could you take the kids to your parents earlier and him meet you there? We’ve never had grandparents involved (or a 6:30 bedtime) so I’ve no real experience of that dynamic but in our world, I’d probably take them out for a bit until he was back. We wouldn’t watch on DS birthday if DS wasn’t interested and I’d expect him to be back swiftly afterwards but I’d want that to be because he wanted to spend his sons birthday with his son; rather than because I’d told him to…

Do you see the problem with him expecting to play in the middle of a planned day with the family so that OP and two very young children have to wait while he does it?

But OP doesn't?
It's his child's birthday and his wife is pregnant with a termination booked. You'd think this could be the one time his own relaxation isn't the priority?

Well, going to watch a grown man play foot ball is a ridiculous thing anyway. I would laugh at my DH if he asked me. Unless he was actually a professional player. My kids play football and I watch them, but there is no way I would spend my afternoons watching my DH play sport from the sideline. I have a life and I am not spending it standing on a sideline cheering a grown man while he prances about reliving his youth. The first birthday itself isn’t really the issue here for me, if DH had a commitment for a couple of hours in the afternoon then it’s not really a huge deal for him to go to that. But making you all go to it is just ridiculous.

This is what you need to work on. Have you actually spoken to him about this? Tell him you’ll be taking some time to yourself and he’ll be caring for his children at that time.

I wouldn’t take the kids to watch him, just go to your parents and he can meet you there.

It's not the worst thing in the world to do, and that mildness makes it hard to judge. But it is a little cold of him.

If it was my child's first birthday and my sport team had a match scheduled, there's just no way I would play that day. It would feel cold to me to leave the baby and go to do a hobby on their birthday.

I'm not sure he's entirely unreasonable (but he is a bit) to want to play, as long as he isn't going for a drink etc after. I do think he's unreasonable to want you to go and watch.

Sorry Op. Don’t listen to the cool girls on here. He’s definitely being selfish. I agree with going to your parents for a bit if you need support after the termination?

I completely agree with this.

Also - and I will be called bonkers here for even suggesting it - but although the 1yo obviously doesn't really understand the actual context at the time (although they can look back at photos and videos of the day when they're older), I don't believe that they are totally oblivious to it all. I think a lot will at least vaguely twig that it's somehow a more special day/time than normal, with even more attention given to them and loved ones from the wider family all there with them.

Babies' learning and absorption of their surroundings and their world, and their gradually making sense of it all, goes much further than just what they can fully understand and quantify at the time. If this were not so, why would any parent ever bother talking to babies or singing them nursery rhymes? It's not like YOU could care less about songs about winding the bobbin up, slowly diminishing numbers of green bottles or fat sausages bursting in a pan... so for whose benefit are you singing them?!

That’s what we would do.

BUT it’s been a slippery slope of shit for me to get to that point, where I would just plan stuff to do without my husband anyway.

Because he started off life this. Then would get in a huff because he had to stop his plans for something (usually something like this), and then it gets to a point where you just don’t bother including them because they will either want to do something else, you can’t face them acting like a toddler if you say you’d like them to join in your plans, so you just don’t include them or tell them.

It ends up being very lonely.

I sort of get it. It’s his first birthday. You’ve obviously got other things going on.

I wouldn’t be going to watch I can’t think of anything worse.

if dc1 naps 11-1.30 what was the plan re timings?

i would do soft play then go to parents whilst he does football then back home for tea bath and bed. I would also not martyr yourself and start to look at something you do for you. A class or something once a week. Start to get some time back for you.

Ergh. You have children. The one year old may not know, but the 3-year-old will. When you have young children marking birthdays (including adult ones) is as much about the other children as it is about the birthday child. Not in that other children get celebrated - more that there is a normal expectation of a fun time, some presents, and a birthday cake.

Your husband has been very thoughtless. He has also tried to ram too much into one day, where there will be excited toddlers and an exhausted partner in order to facilitate his hobby.

I'd be vaguely more sympathetic if he has asked more than a day in advance and you and the kids were not expected to watch him/ there was somewhere far more kid-friendly for the children nearby when they inevitably get bored and restless. But again, that would have required a proper discussion in advance.

Bloody hell the bar is low for men in this thread. DH and I always do something for the kids' birthdays and take a day off work on a weekday (pre-Primary obvs). We do farm trips, soft play, outdoor adventure parks, aquariums etc and make a whole day of it. Thankfully it wouldn't even cross his mind to book in a hobby. And as for "they won't remember it" brigade, firstly you don't think in the future they might want to see birthday photos like most people do? I know I've looked at mine and my husband's first, second, third etc birthday photos. Secondly, if you have older kids they'll remember daddy couldn't be arsed on their sibling's birthday. Thirdly, why wouldn't you want to celebrate whether they remember it or not? I took my babies on holidays they won't remember, softplay they won't remember, parks they wont remember etc etc.... Doesn't mean you shouldn't do anything with them.

And I absolutely support hobbies (don't have a choice, DH is padel-mad) but not on a child's birthday FFS. Can't imagine any woman double booking herself and why aren't we holding men up to the same standard?

I think he is BU to have dropped it on you the day before. I hate to say this, as I do not believe that women should take all the mental load, but if it was my OH and I knew he played on Saturdays, I would have asked him earlier in the week whether he was intending to play this weekend or not. Equally, with the added complexity of facing a termination this week, it is very poor of him not to have had this conversation with you before committing to anything.

As a general rule of thumb though, playing a match on your child's first birthday wouldn't bother me. They are 1, won't remember it and there are other parts of the day put aside for celebration. In my book, that is a good balance. I would take the kids along to the match, if you felt up to it, maybe with the idea of watching the first 20mins or even first half if the children were coping ok. Then bundle everyone in the car to go to your parents, with your partner meeting you there when he was done. I think it is really positive for children to see their parents doing things they love or enjoy and participating in that. But, I totally understand that you may not feel up for that given the current circumstances, and that is ok. You both just need to communicate a bit better, without resentment on either side about what you want/can do and come to a happy medium. Equally, once you are through the termination and feeling better in yourself, it sounds like a conversation about you having some time to yourself to do hobbies also needs to happen, as you are entitled to that too.

He plays 3 times a week? He lets you do everything despite the PPD? And he’s happy to leave you for hours to manage both kids alone, pregnant and on his child’s first birthday?

Surely this is LTB territory?!

YANBU OP. Tell him no to playing today and reiterate what a selfish decision he made! And start forcing change!

He should have talked to you about the birthday & possibility of playing football in advance. I’d expect that to have been a discussion and for him to start the conversation with a willingness to forgo a hobby for a day.

We did tend to prioritise family time on birthdays (amongst work and school), particularly with young kids. Quite surprised others don’t.

I hope all goes well for you this week. You are having a tough time and your husband should be supporting you.

Thing is, how many mothers do you reckon would do this?

So what if he usually plays. If I did an activity every Saturday, I wouldn’t be doing it on one of my children’s birthdays.

Why do men get to do as they please?

My exh is like this, it is selfish and denotes a difference in priorities. There’s no where else I’d rather be on my child’s birthday regardless of their age than with my child so I don’t think yabu op.
My daughter’s 5th birthday was a Saturday and I’d taken annual leave to prep the party area and she wanted her curled before the party we booked. The night before he said, I’ll be back for 12, I asked what he meant and he said since I was off work he was going to football. He couldn’t fathom that I’d taken that time to do something, we also had a 3 year old at the time who has Sen and was non verbal so I couldn’t do what I needed to without another adult.
needless to say he never changed and had an affair and now lives an easy life doing whatever the hell he wants

This is your problem OP. Why don't you get time is it because he won't step up?