DH playing football on birthday

[sadtired2]

Please help me get my head straight here, it’s our DC’s first birthday tomorrow.

We are just going to take them and their older sibling to softplay and get lunch then go to my mum’s for cake.

Whilst I was bathing our eldest, he asked what time we are going to softplay, I said I hadn’t thought of it yet and he said I need to be back by 1 to leave to play football.

I was actually in shock, who goes and plays football on their child’s birthday?

I’ll keep it short, it’s not been an easy year for us, I’ve had PPD and I’m now pregnant again following contraception failure, I have a termination booked this week and I am spiralling with guilt over that.

I put the children to bed and just felt so angry that I left without saying a word, I went to my parents and I calmed down, had some dinner, sat with them for the evening and came back and he’s still up.

He doesn’t see a problem with us going to soft play, then us going to watch him play football, I’ve got a 3 year old who wouldn’t be able to run around and a 1 year old who’d have to sit in his pram for almost 2 hours. He said it’s unfair because the 1 year old doesn’t know it’s his birthday and he now can’t play football because it’s me who doesn’t want to go and watch “like many of the wives and kids do”. We have been a few times, the women are older and their kids are older so enjoy it (I’d say the youngest there is 9) they don’t have to keep a 3 year old entertained.

He has the opportunity to go to football 3 times a week, he plays for one team on a Monday night, has training Thursday night then matches on Sundays.

I am in such a bad, tired, emotionally done mood with the PPD that I genuinely question if I am being unfair here?

If we went to football, we’d be at my parents for 5pm, by the time we’d had cake and left it would be 6. 3 year old is back at nursery Monday so I wanted her bathed and in bed for half 6.

I need to hear others thoughts on this.

YABU - go and watch the football
YANBU - he should have not agreed to play football on his childs birthday

I think it's unreasonable of him to spring this on you the night before. He should have asked about plans for the day before he agreed to play. As much as the one year old won't remember the day, I don't think your expectations are particularly high here. It's not like you've spend thousands on a big party, you've planned a simple family day.

I wouldn't go and watch him play football. Go to soft play as planned, then ask your Mum if she wants to join for lunch and spend the rest of the day having a nice time with her.

This.

The football is probably his way of dealing with the stress of recent events. Baby won't even know.

Why have you allowed that to happen?!

Why on earth would you want to watch him play football let alone take a 3 year old and 1 year old with you. Plus with everything going on with pregnancy and termination. He sounds selfish- another man who expects his life not to change when he’s chosen to have children.

Why has the husband allowed that to happen?
Surely a good partner would notice their spouse was doing all the child care and household chores and step in?

Is it a final important local match, or just a normal kick around Sunday match? Because if his team have been playing a local league I can understand why he still would like to play. If it's just a normal Sunday match where nothing is important then yeah, he's not being fair.

It's not your little ones age, it's the first birthday, this is something to celebrate as a family. Sometimes things to clash though and if it was something really important to him then I'd understand. If it's run of the mill hobby then no.

You do need to address the imbalance though of the child care. He needs to step up massively to give you time for a hobby/get out of the house. Go easy next week OP.

Well that needs to change doesn’t it?!

find something you want to do that gets you out of the house and building friendships up.

if he needs to drop one of his three football sessions then so be it.

The baby won't know it's a birthday, & probably won't even miss Dad as presumably he's usually working.

Absolutely not U. I don’t know any mothers who would agree to a hobby on a day when they know the family are celebrating their own child’s birthday. If it was an absolute one off, like a tournament or a marathon, I’d say he should have discussed it with you and agreed another day to do the birthday tea. But it’s not a one off- it’s completely routine.

Plus it sounds like he’s already playing an awful lot and has far more time to himself than you. And agree that an amateur football team match with young kids is absolutely shit.

I would go to your mum’s on your own and then have a long discussion with him where you reset expectations. Surely now the kids are getting older he could have them on one of the evenings and you get some time for yourself?

And it’s not too late to rethink the termination, you’ve got to be happy with the decision- or you’ll have an even tougher time in the next few years. No judgment- if it is the right decision then that’s fine but if in fact you just don’t want to terminate and you’re just agreeing to keep the peace, then you can change your mind- you have the final say.

I don't think anyone's saying don't do non child related things, just that you've got another 364 days a year to do them. A first birthday literally happens once, seems reasonable to sacrifice a bloody football game for it?

He is a bit useless. He is trying to blame his ueselessness on you having the wrong attitude.

Good luck with the termination. Sorry you’re going through this with an unsupportive lump.

I don’t really understand why you all have to go and watch? You could go home or go to your mum’s and he can join you later.

Can some of you not read or didn’t you bother to read the whole post? This isn’t really about the football is my guess. The OP needs support to celebrate the birthday of one baby while preparing for a termination she may not really want. This is way more complex than one football match.
The OPs DH needs to be be supporting her this weekend. This is one of those things you read in threads titled ‘when I knew my relationship was doomed’. He needs to step up and be there for her.
Those of you claiming this ‘wouldn’t be on your radar’ either haven’t read the whole post or have had an empathy bypass.

Oh come on. He’s agreed that this is the day they’ll celebrate their own child’s first birthday, this sounds like a completely routine non event in terms of the game. Plus his wife does everything else herself and has no time for rest and relaxation AND sounds like she has a horrendous week coming up. And yet his “relaxation” trumps his wife’s desire to have a nice afternoon with their child to celebrate their significant birthday.

Why are women expected to bear all of this - doing all of the drudge work for the living kids, dealing with the consequences of contraceptive failure and actually showing their own children how a responsible person lives, whilst a grown man thinks it’s a good idea to hoik his own family to a muddy field so they can worship him as he plays shit football like an overgrown teen on someone else’s birthday?

I've never been arsed about adult birthdays, but we've always made a thing of the kids' birthdays; especially when they were little. A 1st bdsy would have involved having family round and celebrating being parents too. Both of us do lots of things away from the kids, but not on their days. I did have a monumental hangover on is bday, but dc was little and I hid it well.

He should be stepping up all over the place right now, OP. You're having a hard time. He should be acting as a partner in making life as un-stressful as possible.

Hobbies are great, but they shouldn't supersede family life. They need to work in harmony with it. He already does it 3 days a week at what sounds like a detriment to your relationship. He's not carrying his weight. I'd be really annoyed and upset in your shoes.

Despite the curmudgeonly 'the one year old doesn't know it's a birthday' replies on here, it's nice to be celebratory and make a fuss sometimes. I still remember all three of my DC's first birthdays.

I hope all goes well and life seems a little brighter soon.

Adding that it sometimes amazes me how many posters on here seem to get no particular joy out of family life.

I think, from reading your updates, there is a hell of a lot going on here.

Firstly, you are both dealing with the upcoming termination separately, there isn't any communication about it. Not your fault, he appears to have pulled the shutters down. You said he is sad, I expect he is, and possibly dealing with the birthday of one child at the same time as coming to terms with the termination is causing him emotional conflict. I am sure it's the same for you, obviously, and I can understand how difficult this must be for both of you.

Secondly, you say you rarely go out, but he does. This needs dealing with, it's unfair and shouldn't have been allowed to arise in the first place, but that is the fault of both of you.

To answer you actual question, your child will be oblivious to the fact it's his birthday so I personally wouldn't have an issue with DH doing something else for a while. Go to your mum's without him and have cake with your parents. DH can join you afterwards.

If it was the older child who would be aware it was their birthday, and you were having a party at your house and DH needed to help with that, then I would be kicking his arse if he thought he would go elsewhere.

But first and foremost, you need to communicate about the termination and make sure he definitely means what he says.

His wife is about to have a termination. She’s got PPD.

He can miss a game of bloody football.

I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than supervise a one and a three year old while watching my DH play football, so I think your DH is massively unreasonable to expect that to be honest, especially with everything you are going through this week. But there is way more to this than the football.

He shouldn't be telling you the night before for a start, if he is signing up to play he needs to let you know or put it on the calendar, rather than sneak it in, but the easy compromise is that he comes to soft play and lunch (or brunch) then he goes off to football while you go to your parents.

I think you need to think about your future with this guy, he seems to massively take you for granted on all fronts, and your communication seems to be none existent.

I do a hobby I love which is normally on a Sunday afternoon. I say normally because no way would I do it if this is the afternoon we’d agreed to do my own child’s birthday party. I’d let my team know well in advance that I wouldn’t be available so we could find a replacement etc. And they would understand, it wouldn’t be a problem at all, because they are normal people.

Like others I can see this as a turning point where the OP realises she’s married to a selfish dick and the marriage starts to die. Can you imagine the future photos- beautiful baby with a cake, sibling, grannie, presents, no Dad because he’s loafing about a football field? This child won’t be 1 again, plus his partner needs his support. That’s more important.

Yes it’s a shitty thing to do, but you’re not his mum and you can’t control him. You can express your frustration at his decision and his life. Your one year old will not even know it’s his birthday. He’s coming to soft play and will be home for dinner and cake - what’s the big deal!

I have never understood the drama and madness of having a birthday party for a 1 year old.

Sorry but I'm with the DH. Just have a normal day and maybe have a cake and say happy birthday.

You do not need to use your child for propping up your own social life and being an occasion to show off at.

It's really not a big deal.

When the kid is at peak birthday party age, I'd say differently but age 1?

Fuck no.

What makes me laugh is other posters asking why you (or mums in general) don’t insist on the same free time to themselves and make it sound absolutely fine for a man to enjoy a hobby 3 days a week.

My neighbour was like you. Her husband played golf twice after work or went to the driving range and spent at least half a weekend day doing a round. She eventually got fed up and told her DH that she would be doing the same and joined me at the gym or out with some friends.

What happened was that they then never had any family time. One of them was out every evening after work and for several hours both days at the weekend. They brushed along ok and went to work but drifted apart. Her husband then had the cheek to have an affair, saying he felt lonely and not wanted, that they weren’t a proper family etc. It made me think how many mums don’t do things for themselves so as soon as their DH/partner is free, they can try to cram in some time as a couple and as a family. If women did the same as men, which they’re entitled to, family life just doesn’t happen.

So do I think the answer is for the OP to just disappear 3 days a week to get even? No, maybe he should value his family more and accept that he chose to impregnate her and when you have 2 very small children, a wife clearly struggling with her mental health and possibly needing a bit more love and support, to continue like nothing has happened after impregnating her again and pushing a termination, is cruel.

I would go for the termination OP, because I would also be thinking about how happy you are and whether this relationship is what you need.

It sounds like a very intense life you are all leading.
We and our friends have never made a big deal out of a first birthday. Not much about 2nd and 3rd either other than family.
Going to watch Sunday afternoon football for the entire match. Why??
Sympathy and Best wishes for your recovery next week.

You obviously cant stop him going but I would be pissed off and leave to go to your parents after soft play and tell him he is not going to be there for the cake. Selfish wanker.

Side note - I hate watching football, especially amateur games. Its a fucking purgatory.