DH playing football on birthday

[sadtired2]

Please help me get my head straight here, it’s our DC’s first birthday tomorrow.

We are just going to take them and their older sibling to softplay and get lunch then go to my mum’s for cake.

Whilst I was bathing our eldest, he asked what time we are going to softplay, I said I hadn’t thought of it yet and he said I need to be back by 1 to leave to play football.

I was actually in shock, who goes and plays football on their child’s birthday?

I’ll keep it short, it’s not been an easy year for us, I’ve had PPD and I’m now pregnant again following contraception failure, I have a termination booked this week and I am spiralling with guilt over that.

I put the children to bed and just felt so angry that I left without saying a word, I went to my parents and I calmed down, had some dinner, sat with them for the evening and came back and he’s still up.

He doesn’t see a problem with us going to soft play, then us going to watch him play football, I’ve got a 3 year old who wouldn’t be able to run around and a 1 year old who’d have to sit in his pram for almost 2 hours. He said it’s unfair because the 1 year old doesn’t know it’s his birthday and he now can’t play football because it’s me who doesn’t want to go and watch “like many of the wives and kids do”. We have been a few times, the women are older and their kids are older so enjoy it (I’d say the youngest there is 9) they don’t have to keep a 3 year old entertained.

He has the opportunity to go to football 3 times a week, he plays for one team on a Monday night, has training Thursday night then matches on Sundays.

I am in such a bad, tired, emotionally done mood with the PPD that I genuinely question if I am being unfair here?

If we went to football, we’d be at my parents for 5pm, by the time we’d had cake and left it would be 6. 3 year old is back at nursery Monday so I wanted her bathed and in bed for half 6.

I need to hear others thoughts on this.

YABU - go and watch the football
YANBU - he should have not agreed to play football on his childs birthday

I think this very much depends on the context so it’s not the same answer for everyone. In your case, I think it’s reasonable to be pissed off.

He’s being selfish. Is he struggling with the pregnancy/ termination too?

This wouldn’t be on my radar at all. A one year old doesn’t know it’s their birthday and being in a team means showing up for games.

Doesn’t your one year old nap anyway?

What context do you mean @SereneFinch? every week, the manager of the team messages to ask who would like to play for such and such match and then people say if they can/can’t. I’m shocked he even put his name down knowing it’s his son’s birthday.

Not between 1-4:30 he doesn’t. He goes for a nap at 11 and wakes between 1 and half past for lunch. He’s never been big on naps.

Yes but won’t talk about it, says he is adamant we cannot have another child but I know he feels sad about it but apart from that, no communication on it from him.

He shouldn’t be playing football on his birthday. Regardless of the child’s age he should be celebrating with family.

I hope the termination goes ok. Sorry you’re having to manage all this. Sending hugs 🤗

Why don't you just go to your parents for the afternoon and then he can meet you there for cake afterwards?
I don't think he should have agreed to play on his child's birthday but having said he would it's a bit shit to pull out at the last minute.

Well, it's a bit shit but he probably doesn't think it's an issue given that the 1yo has no concept of a birthday. Or else birthdays are just not that big a deal in his head.

Can't you go to soft play together in the morning, then go to your mum's with the dc for cake while he goes to football?

A 1yo has no idea its their birthday and it seems on here all life other than anything surrounding chilsren has to stop, adults are allowed to non child related things

In between - he can play football, you don’t watch but take the children to your parents.

Not sure what I think about the football on DC’s birthday. But I just hope that you are also afforded the same opportunity to do a hobby of your choice 3x a week

Yeah non issue for me too. Life is busy with lots to do and manage - things can all get done just not always to the schedule you want and how you want it.

My god the bar is low on here. He goes 3 times a week and can’t give up one day on his kids birthday? Yes the kid won’t know it’s his birthday but maybe OP would like to share the day as a family and have some help with the kids. Especially as he will have already been twice that week. 🙄

Why is the bar low? my husband and I are adults we may be parents but we still have our own hobbies and interests and adult life does not stop, we still do non child related things

I agree with @BackToRealitySigh, he can't really back out now. Go to your parents for the afternoon and he'll meet you there after the match.

Ask him to please not sign up for matches on your DC's birthdays again. One mistake is forgivable, but this isn't how a parent behaves.

It's tricky with team sports, they require alot of commitment.

It is not a mistake he is not a child who needs to be on the naughty step the op is not his mother, it is life

Has he ever, in your entire relationship, taken the kids to watch you do something he wasn't involved in for 2 hours at a time, OP?

What about doing it weekly? Do you think there's a chance in hell he'd do that?

I honestly don't think its that bad. You didn't have a party organised and it seems like you were flexible regarding soft play times, no one really had a plan. I don't see why you would have to watch him play though, can't you have the birthday celebration then he does his thing? I honestly don't think he is unreasonable. However I am hoping that you also get several time slots a week to do what interests you. It shouldn't be a case of him keeping up a hobby while you raise the kids

No need for '...them and their ", your baby is presumably a he or she. You have referred to your elder child as 'her'.

The baby is only a year old for goodness sake, is not going to care. If your husband regularly plays football, he has an ongoing obligation. If he'd been at work, I doubt he would have had a day off for a child's first birthday.

As long as he is good in other respects I wouldn't worry about this.

I can't see why he cannot play football, its the 1st birthday after all. I also don't see why you need to go and watch.

Simple answer - do both.

No, I don’t do anything for myself, I don’t get the time.

I do all childcare and housework apart from maybe 1 bath a week and a couple of nappy changes.

Why do you need to go and watch the football? Thats the bit that is surprising me.

Do the nice stuff in the morning, then after lunch you go to your Mums, and he goes to football.

Tbh I am a bit torn. And if he’s said he’s playing then he should really just play. Training isn’t the same as a game.
Do the soft play and lunch with him then go to your mums when he goes to football? He misses the cake but then he chose to make plans on his child’s birthday, so that’s what happens.
WRT you watching or not. It’s up to you, again it is different for a parent of young children versus older- unless it’s a cup game or similar which would be more important to him.
Sorry you’re going through a shitty time though and I suspect you are hurt and upset in general that your H isn’t supportive and present for you. So maybe when things settle you need a chat about how you can better work as a team.

Well, as usual, that’s the issue here - not your DH going to play football.