AIBU to lock the bathroom door despite my husband's objection?

[gimmeshelta]

DH is currently screaming at me because I went back on my word that I wouldn’t lock the bathroom door.

I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and have a diagnosis of ptsd. I need to find safe spaces when I’m triggered by something. It used to be in my car but I’ve sold it because we’re struggling financially. I broke down to my DH on Wednesday evening and said I was really struggling. DH hasn’t been the most supportive and has said my mental health issues are due to me not being proactive enough - despite the fact I hold down a household, a full time job and exercise to help myself.

Anyway, he’s always had an issue with me locking the bathroom door. He said married couples don’t need privacy when showering or on the toilet and has been suspicious of what I’m doing in there. I mentioned that I find it a safe space to cry and regulate myself (usually after a shower).

After a lengthy conversation he made me promise not to lock the bathroom door. There are no safety concerns about me locking the door - I don’t and have never self harmed, I’m not suicidal etc. I just like privacy. He told me he’d be angry if I locked the door again. So I just agreed not to.

Today I got a shower and forgot about the not locking the door rule. He was out but came back when I was getting out.

He screamed at me, said I’m not a “man of my word” and that I lied to him. I told him it was an automatic action and I’d just forgot. I asked why it was so important it was unlocked - was he worried about me etc? He said no, I asked you to do something, you agreed and then didn’t do it. I said I didn’t want to shower with an open door and he said this was weird

I’ve asked why it’s so important to him but he keeps screaming “you’re not even sorry”

Aibu?

I always lock the bathroom door.
What’s his problem with it?
Is he controlling in other ways?

suspicious of what you are doing in there, but doesn't think you self harm?....

Me and my husband don't lock the door either and just walk in and out if we need to, but that's done with mutual consent, if either of us wants privacy then we just say "nope not now!" if the other one tries to come in. And if my husband wanted to lock the door I wouldn't scream at him or tell him he's wrong, it would be his preference and I wouldn't even comment on it.

This gets worse. Are you his plaything to do with as he wants? He literally doesn't give a damn about your feelings

With all due respect no wonder you are struggling to manage your mental health. You are absolutely allowed privacy in a marriage, he sounds absolutely appalling.

He is a piece of shit.

He is not helping you recover from your PTSD and is actually abusing you.

I was in an abusive relationship - the "because I asked you to" unreasonable demands, and the gaslighting.

You need to leave him.

Jesus. You do not need this man.

He’s a bully, OP, but you know that.

What’s odd is that you don’t seem to understand that many people do things differently .
99% of respondents don’t think the OP is being unreasonable.

I think your problems go beyond the door locking episode detailed in the post.

The line, "because I said so" sticks out.

That line doesn't belong in an equal, respecting and loving relationship.

There seem to be aspects of control, bullying, coercive behaviour in what's been going on.

I think you need to consider your place in this relationship. I may be you can sort it out amicably, you may choose to put up with it or simply leave.

As regards locking the door/leaving it unlocked/open/shut its up to the individual how they feel/what they are doing/who else is in the house/habitual behaviour.

The only time it may be an issue is if you only have one bathroom and someone is in the bath/shower. But even then, to put it crudely, you don't want to be in the bath when your partner comes in for a dump!

Get out. I bet your mental health will improve pdq.

Some men are completely unhinged in their entitlement. They don't actually like women. He doesn't like you, OP.

Because he’s a a controlling bastard. Why do you think he’s right? Surely the op knows more that she’s not trying to top herself than you do.

Honestly I had an ex like this he would refuse to shower unless he showered with me to the point of smelling i locked the toilet door once he got a ladder and looked in the window at the top he then removed the lock from the doors divorcing this fruit loop was the best thing I did (and NO he wasn't like that 90% of the relationship just the last 18 months or so)

We have 3 toilets in the house! He doesn’t need to use it, he just opens it if the door is closed

My very abusive (and I know abuse isn’t a spectrum but I’m adding very in as it fits) ex husband wouldn’t let me lock the bathroom door.
OP he is abusing you. It is abuse. You are allowed to lock it. You can also wear what you like. Read what you like. Listen to whatever music you like. Eat what you like.
He is abusive. Simple.
If you have no children and enough money to get out, get out now. Today.

LTAH (Leave The ArseHole).

He “needs sex to make him play football better” oh good grief I’ve heard it all now 🙄 I advise you to get away from this bloke as soon as possible. What a weirdo.

There’s no real value op in your just adding more and more anecdotes about how awful he is.

You have misunderstood my comment/I wasn't clear.
I was suggesting there's an issue with him being suspicious of anything she could be doing in there if he isn't concerned she is hurting herself. It's definitely controlling and probably not the only example of it in the relationship.

OP I agree with PPs, the examples you've given sound very abusive. He doesn't want you to have privacy or a safe space. That is not ok. Call Women's Aid for advice and if you can, leave him to keep yourself safe.

I don’t usually comment on these threads, but this is horrible, controlling behaviour. How much privacy you want when in the bathroom (or anywhere else) is for you to decide, not him. The screaming and raging at you is disproportionate and unjustifiable.

Why are you so accepting of this? Is this a pattern you’ve become habituated to? I suspect he’s ground you down.

When I started reading this I thought you were going in the direction of you had a breakdown and he’s scared of what you’ll do in there. But the fact that he just wants access to you when you’re the most vulnerable (undressed, on the toilet) is a huge red flag and it is not okay.

This is extremely concerning OP. This is clearly about obedience and him needing you to have no boundaries. You really need to leave this man.

Shocking. Agree with others it is abusive. If he thinks you don't trust him then he is right. Once you have said you need to lock the door that should be enough. Do you have another toilet he could use in case he needs to use it when you are in the bathroom? That's the only reason I can think off why he would need to enter the bathroom while you are in it. Bad.

Dear @gimmeshelta Please read @mathanxiety 's post. It's good advice.

This man is horrific. I would be frightened to be in the same room as someone like that.

After reading your post about how angry he was re the football - his playing badly is also your fault.. There is zero doubt that he is abusive. The fact that he is always shouting at you and setting unreasonable rules just sounds like he is about to start getting violent.

People have said tell him this and challenge him on that.. But I think that you should instead, stay calm, act as normal and call Women's Aid for advice on how to leave him safely. or your GP.

Don't give him any clue as to what you are thinking of doing. You can say your piece when you are safely away from him.

Do you work? and have any real life family or friends or colleagues that you trust who might be able to help you.

This is way beyond bathroom door locking rights or telling him that he's not the boss of you. YOu really need to think of how to get to safety first and foremost. You have been through some trauma, but that just means that you are already brave, already a survivor. Wishing you all the very best x