AIBU to lock the bathroom door despite my husband's objection?

[gimmeshelta]

DH is currently screaming at me because I went back on my word that I wouldn’t lock the bathroom door.

I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and have a diagnosis of ptsd. I need to find safe spaces when I’m triggered by something. It used to be in my car but I’ve sold it because we’re struggling financially. I broke down to my DH on Wednesday evening and said I was really struggling. DH hasn’t been the most supportive and has said my mental health issues are due to me not being proactive enough - despite the fact I hold down a household, a full time job and exercise to help myself.

Anyway, he’s always had an issue with me locking the bathroom door. He said married couples don’t need privacy when showering or on the toilet and has been suspicious of what I’m doing in there. I mentioned that I find it a safe space to cry and regulate myself (usually after a shower).

After a lengthy conversation he made me promise not to lock the bathroom door. There are no safety concerns about me locking the door - I don’t and have never self harmed, I’m not suicidal etc. I just like privacy. He told me he’d be angry if I locked the door again. So I just agreed not to.

Today I got a shower and forgot about the not locking the door rule. He was out but came back when I was getting out.

He screamed at me, said I’m not a “man of my word” and that I lied to him. I told him it was an automatic action and I’d just forgot. I asked why it was so important it was unlocked - was he worried about me etc? He said no, I asked you to do something, you agreed and then didn’t do it. I said I didn’t want to shower with an open door and he said this was weird

I’ve asked why it’s so important to him but he keeps screaming “you’re not even sorry”

Aibu?

I agree that if OP wants to lock the door she should be able to. I just find it odd that so many posters say they lock the door, Would never occur to me or DH to lock the door

Whether you do or not, it's a bit weird/ controlling to make a thing of it.

It's just not a thing that really matters at all (obviously outside of self harm/ suicide risks).

So what? You may not want privacy but other people do. OP's DH is obviously controlling and abusive.

OK, and?

You aren't the OP, you doing something different isn't relevant, she is being abused

If at all possible I suggest you start thinking about how to get away from this awful man OP

What a cunt he is

Please watch The Pastor's Wife on Netflx with him

He sounds exactly like Mica's controlling, arrogant, weirdo husband

My DP tried this with our son (He wouldn't go in but doesn't want it locked). I made it very clear he was unreasonable and DS has every right to lock it if he wants to. DS locks the door. If this comes up again DP will feel the full force of my wrath. It's very controlling and also anxiety inducing for the person who prefers a locked door.
Stand up for yourself OP, or leave if that's too difficult.

We do not lock the bathroom door. However, a closed bathroom or toilet door in our house is treated as if it is locked, there is absolutely no way anyone, child or adult would open that door without knocking and waiting for permission to enter.

Your husband is insisting that the door be left unlocked is abusive. How did he know it was locked? I presume he tries to enter the room.

He is trying to deny you the right to privacy.

Agreed. Before having DS we didn't even shut the doors. That's irrelevant. DS and OP want to, and have the right too.

Guarentee your MH will benefit and ptsd triggers will reduce if you can leave this abusive, aggressive man.

You’ll probably find that your symptoms ease off significantly when you dump this boundary crossing and controlling man!

I cannot think of one good reason for him to behave like that. I am not surprised you feel unsafe - I wouldn’t either and I don’t have PTSD.

You have support here, OP- lots of it!
Think what you want and need for YOURSELF and think what you need to do.
Talk it through here if it helps.

It kicked off because apparently last night he was upset we didn’t have sex. According to him, we “always” have sex before he goes to play football as it “makes him play better”. He fell asleep on the couch and I was tired so we didn’t have sex. Somehow this is my fault?

Dear OP, I am very worried about you and really hope you are getting some help and support with your PTSD. Has your husband spoken to anyone about how he can support you and help you when you are struggling with your PTSD? Maybe this would help you both.
From what you have said, it sounds as though there is a complete lack of trust between you and your husband, with you not trusting him and him not trusting you.
Can I also ask about something you mentioned regarding the bathroom door? You said that you locked it even when there was nobody else in the house because you had simply "forgotten" to leave it unlocked. Do you think locking it is something you do automatically, perhaps because you are used to locking the door? It is quite unusual to lock the bathroom door when you are on your own.
I just wonder whether your husband might interpret this differently and feel that, by shutting the door, you are shutting him out of your problems and don't want his help, even though that may not be what you mean at all. Perhaps it is something you could explain to him, so he understands that it isn't about keeping him out. Just explain that there are plenty of things you probably don't want your husband to see you doing in the bathroom – crying, shaving your legs, using a tampon or having a poo! 😂 Ask him would he really like to see these things

Maybe you could come to a compromise. Perhaps you could agree not to lock the door, while he promises that he will always knock first and ask if he can come in.
I really hope you are both able to get some support with this, because it sounds as though you are both finding the situation very difficult and have reached the point where you are both losing patience with each other.
This is just another perspective. I know many people on here will disagree with me and think he is being controlling, but I just wonder whether there might be another way of looking at all this.

Leave this turd

You really need to look closely at this relationship. Confide in someone close to you about everything. I really think this sounds so controlling and abusive

Jesus Christ, OP. This is awful.

Just in case there is any doubt in your mind, you're not a pair of lucky socks or any other sort of pre match ritual! And you are allowed to lock the bathroom door when you use the loo or have a shower.

Whether other people choose to or not is completely irrelevant. It's not something you need permission to do.

Your latest update OP good grief. This is LTB territory.

None of this is normal or acceptable. This is not in any way a good relationship.

from what you are saying everything and anything is your fault. You are to blame for everything he doesn’t like. This is because he is an abuser.

my aunt lived with a man like that, she stuck up for him through everything and is now a bitter woman due to what she has been through. She is a shadow of her old self.

please don’t stay in this relationship, I can assure you your mental health will vastly improve if you leave.

None of this is normal, and it's not your fault.

Your husband is bizarrely controlling.

He is also abusive toward you.

He also has absolutely no understanding whatsoever of mental health issues, let alone PTSD specifically, and doesn't seem to have any intention of learning.

And based on your follow-up he is also a sex pest who doesn't understand consent.

Can you get away from him? If you are seeing a therapist, have you raised these issues with them to help you make sense of them and figure out a plan? This would be a very difficult and unfortunate situation in any case, but if you're struggling with PTSD that is going to make it harder in many ways.

Maybe you could come to a compromise. Perhaps you could agree not to lock the door, while he promises that he will always knock first and ask if he can come in.

Sorry but no.

She doesnt need to come to a compromise with him on locking the bathroom door!

Your suggestion is the agreement I had with my children when they were young enough to first start using the bathroom without direct supervision. It's not approrpiate for a capable adult.

OP, this is not acceptable behaviour- it’s very controlling and abusive. Everyone is allowed privacy for any reason. Honestly, I’d change the locks to the house whilst he’s out!

This sounds very familiar.
My controlling ex partner was always a lot more “difficult to cope with” if we hadn’t had sex as often as he wanted to.
You don’t need to put up with it, OP.