AIBU to lock the bathroom door despite my husband's objection?

[gimmeshelta]

DH is currently screaming at me because I went back on my word that I wouldn’t lock the bathroom door.

I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and have a diagnosis of ptsd. I need to find safe spaces when I’m triggered by something. It used to be in my car but I’ve sold it because we’re struggling financially. I broke down to my DH on Wednesday evening and said I was really struggling. DH hasn’t been the most supportive and has said my mental health issues are due to me not being proactive enough - despite the fact I hold down a household, a full time job and exercise to help myself.

Anyway, he’s always had an issue with me locking the bathroom door. He said married couples don’t need privacy when showering or on the toilet and has been suspicious of what I’m doing in there. I mentioned that I find it a safe space to cry and regulate myself (usually after a shower).

After a lengthy conversation he made me promise not to lock the bathroom door. There are no safety concerns about me locking the door - I don’t and have never self harmed, I’m not suicidal etc. I just like privacy. He told me he’d be angry if I locked the door again. So I just agreed not to.

Today I got a shower and forgot about the not locking the door rule. He was out but came back when I was getting out.

He screamed at me, said I’m not a “man of my word” and that I lied to him. I told him it was an automatic action and I’d just forgot. I asked why it was so important it was unlocked - was he worried about me etc? He said no, I asked you to do something, you agreed and then didn’t do it. I said I didn’t want to shower with an open door and he said this was weird

I’ve asked why it’s so important to him but he keeps screaming “you’re not even sorry”

Aibu?

You don't have to live like this.

I’ve given more than a few LTB’s on here. What is wrong with these men?!

@gimmeshelta - hotel en-suites and just about every dwelling up and down the country have lockable bathroom doors. This implies that it's perfectly normal to lock the door for privacy when using the loo / shower etc while the other half is elsewhere in the house.

Is your "D"H going to change.org and suggest a new law to remove the lock from tens of millions bathroom doors?! I'd love him to read this post and see what his deranged mind makes of this.

I mean, I've thought it so many times but have never committed to replying but the sheer level of insane petty control just pushed me over this time!

Stay safe OP x

You are focusing on the wrong thing, he is abusive to you and this isn't about toilets at all.

I cannot - LITERALLY CANNOT- believe how abusive this is. Controlling, manipulative, absolutely fuckin ghastly. Leaving this man is the only correct course of action.
you have one life. Don’t spend it like this

Please make plans to leave

Coercive control.
OP if you have not heard of coercive control, please research on the Internet. It appears from what you have described that your husband is asserting control through coercion over your most basic bodily functions - urinating, excreting, washing and sex. That anyone would want this level of control over another person is alarming. Only as very small children do parents involve themselves in our excretion, urination and washing. At a certain stage, even small children want privacy while performing their ablutions.

As for the sex story, what can one say? I think you know that it's absurd. He can always go into the bathroom - leaving the door unlocked of course - and help himself.

For whatever reasons, perhaps insecurity or paranoia or maybe something happened to him as a child while locked in a bathroom, whatever... your husband wants to minutely control those moments when you are most vulnerable and most entitled to privacy. I think you know this is untenable as well as unbearable.

Are you able to assert yourself without fear? If so, now is the time to do it. Tell your husband you will continue to lock the bathroom door as that is what you prefer to do. Incidentally, IMO, it's especially important to do so while showering in a house where you are the only person for safety reasons. Couples counselling could be in order if you both believe it could help.

If you are afraid to assert yourself with your husband, afraid to clearly state your needs to him, then you probably need to seek help now.

He apparently wants the doors gone. Sorry OP I missed that you did say he'd get angry with you if you didn't do what he says. It's abuse that has to end, and nothing excuses it. OP can you speak to friends or family about this, maybe stay with someone else?

I wouldn't be able to live like this, much less with PTSD.

He’s controlling and abusive. He has no right to lay down the law and scream at you when you don’t obey him. He is not entitled to sex whenever he wants it.

Is your PTSD related to past abuse? It’s very common for people who come from abusive families or have been in abusive relationships to enter into further abusive relationships. Past abuse makes you vulnerable twice over: you find it more difficult to spot the signs of abuse, and abusers can spot that you are vulnerable and take advantage.

Hes abusive

I left my monster two years ago. He used to moan if I locked the bathroom door because the 'kids needed me' - invariably they opened the door as toddlers and infants do and the whole house supervised me toilet and shower. I was so conditioned through all of his controls that I wasnt even human. I had no needs or rights. I had cPTSD, fibro, FND and a host of degenerative diagnoses. After I left, and had counselling, the symptoms relating to the cPTSD, fibro and FND almost disappeared. The body does hold the score.

Deep down you know this is abuse.

You are validated on this forum. Womans Aid are wonderful.

You will feel so much better when this animal is not in your space. Take care.

Why does he think toilets around the world have locks.

I would 100% leave this man.

WTAF have I just read.

You are a grown woman, whose husband is demanding you leave the bathroom door OPEN as in OPEN not unlocked? At all times?

JFC.

I suspect, he is the cause of your poor mental health.

This man needs to go. Awful behaviour.

@gimmeshelta lovely this is not ok and abusive. It is controlling. My DH gets stage fright unless the door is locked and I wouldn’t dream of demanding it unlocked. He doesn’t treat ti make you feel vulnerable and wants you to not have a safe space

Nothing about what you’ve said regarding the door and the sex is ok. He’s abusive and controlling.

OP, your husband is not a good man. His behaviour is incredibly controlling and abusive

He is an absolute dick.

Goodness I wonder why you're traumatised and have trouble regulating. Get this bastard out of your life.

He's an abusive piece of work. Leave as soon as you can, as safely as you can and never look back - he won't change his ways, if anything he'll just get work.

Particularly nasty as he knows you have PTSD.

Nothinh the op has said points to this.
He may be a rigid thinker ...mostky tho he sounds like a dick. And a controlling one at that.

So he also has an expectation that you will have sex before football. And has to open a closed toilet door? Just utterly gross and controlling @gimmeshelta this is red flag after red flag. It’s him, not you.

This sounds like my ex who used to set me ‘tests’ to see whether I would keep my word on things. Stupid things like making me promise to ALWAYS wash your my cup straight after use, so that if I ever left just one item in the sink he would kick off at how lazy I was and how I had problem my promise to him so now my word meant nothing and he couldn’t trust me. He was very very controlling. I eventually left and have never looked back. I had serious ptsd after that relationship . I recommend you do the same OP for sake of your mental health. Your future self will thankyou. His behaviour is not normal. Or healthy. Or respectful.

Make plans to leave asap. His behaviour is completely unacceptable. Everyone deserves the right to privacy in the bathroom if they want it. xx

I doubt you really need another voice saying this is horrifying, but I will anyway in case it helps give you perspective on this. You are talking about this as if it’s run of the mill unreasonable DH behaviour and it’s absolutely not.

He coerced you into agreeing to lock the door despite you wishing for some privacy in the toilet (completely reasonable), and then is verbally abusing you and being intimidating when you can’t comply with his bullshit rule you never wanted. He is not a good man.