AIBU to lock the bathroom door despite my husband's objection?

[gimmeshelta]

DH is currently screaming at me because I went back on my word that I wouldn’t lock the bathroom door.

I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and have a diagnosis of ptsd. I need to find safe spaces when I’m triggered by something. It used to be in my car but I’ve sold it because we’re struggling financially. I broke down to my DH on Wednesday evening and said I was really struggling. DH hasn’t been the most supportive and has said my mental health issues are due to me not being proactive enough - despite the fact I hold down a household, a full time job and exercise to help myself.

Anyway, he’s always had an issue with me locking the bathroom door. He said married couples don’t need privacy when showering or on the toilet and has been suspicious of what I’m doing in there. I mentioned that I find it a safe space to cry and regulate myself (usually after a shower).

After a lengthy conversation he made me promise not to lock the bathroom door. There are no safety concerns about me locking the door - I don’t and have never self harmed, I’m not suicidal etc. I just like privacy. He told me he’d be angry if I locked the door again. So I just agreed not to.

Today I got a shower and forgot about the not locking the door rule. He was out but came back when I was getting out.

He screamed at me, said I’m not a “man of my word” and that I lied to him. I told him it was an automatic action and I’d just forgot. I asked why it was so important it was unlocked - was he worried about me etc? He said no, I asked you to do something, you agreed and then didn’t do it. I said I didn’t want to shower with an open door and he said this was weird

I’ve asked why it’s so important to him but he keeps screaming “you’re not even sorry”

Aibu?

Your home should be a safe haven. He is causing you stress . can you confide in anyone. X

@gimmeshelta fucking run a mile

Hi OP. You will possibly be quite overwhelmed and possibly quite distressed at the amount of people telling you how abusive your husband is and how you have to leave him immediately. I hope that this thread isn't actually adding to your distress, there are lots of women in here who want to help. You don't mention why you have PTSD and that's fine but....if your husband knows you have this issue, surely what any spouse would do is be kind and supportive rather than issue commands and lose the plot if they are disobeyed? Was he in your life when the incident that caused you PTSD happened-or is he actually part of the cause?

Are you really asking us if we think you're being unreasonable? Because if you are in any doubt that you might be, you need real life help and support (which you do anyway in my opinion)

Previous posters have mentioned Women's aid which is an excellent shout but your local council should also be able to signpost you to services in your area. I think lots of us are quite concerned about you and would like to hear you're safe and well x

That's exceptionally controlling.
How dare he try to stop you locking a door!!
And "he needs sex before football"? What on earth.
What a nasty man.

You need to get away from this man OP. I am genuinely worried for you.

It was bad enough before this post - and now it got worse.

He obviously thinks you're either masturbating or texting your secret lover. 🙄

Bell end.

Your husband is abusive, absolutely abusive. You don't need his permission to lock the bathroom door. He shouldn't be questioning you doing so. He is being controlling and trying to frighten you. He wants you to know you have no way of escaping him and no safe place.

You need to end this relationship, it will eat you alive.

My husband is happy to use the loo with the door open. I am absolutely not prepared for anyone to be in the vicinity when I’m having a shit!

he just wants to not have his access to blocked. Controlling arsehole.

Your husband is wrong- it is normal to want (and receive) privacy, even in a marriage. I agree with pp that he sounds abusive.

OP, do you have DC with this man?

The fact that you're posting in these terms indicates how deeply you're entrenched in the effects of his abuse. You should not need to ask if his abuse is 'reasonable.'

Your relationship is not equal, kind or mutually supportive. It does not resemble a normal, healthy, happy relationship at all.

Please, please be guided by the wise voices on here and leave him. Leave tomorrow if you can do so safely.

Tell him you will be locking the bathroom door when you use the bathroom from now on and you are happy for him to do the same. Tell him it is non negotiable and he needs to control himself not you.

If he has an issue with that he can leave. Nobody over the age of about 3 in my very long life has ever insisted on their right to be in the bathroom with me. This is not a you problem.

As for the “have sex with me to improve my football”, the answer is “no”. You are not his wank sock.

I’ve lost count of the number of posts about abusive husbands I’ve seen on here this week, it’s heartbreaking 💔 of course you’re not being unreasonable OP, but I think you already know that.

Please leave. So many issues here. Your MH will improve when he is no longer in your life.

Please get help to leave this awful relationship. Do not tell him before you do it as you may put yourself in danger. He is already controlling and sexually abusing you, he is probably capable of much worse. Stay safe.

Another one in the “that’s abuse” camp. He’s completely unhinged, entitled and frankly rather pathetic. People with a lot more experience than me have given you good advice. Please follow it - you deserve better than this. I think you’ll find your MH improves no end when you’re free of this man. You can do this. Sending huge hugs. Please pack a bag when he’s at football and then correspond with him only via lawyers from that day on. Stay safe OP.

Get rid. Hes abusive

@gimmeshelta like all abuse, this is about control.

I'm certain this is not the only area of your life he controls you. Maybe this one is just more obvious to you right now.

It will only get worse. However hard this feels, you need to leave.

Also, I imagine he is a bit part of your PTSD...

I lock the door and I’ve been with nice reasonable bloke since 1992. LTB.

1. Does he lock the bathroom door?

2. Would he be chill with you coming in to change the hand towel for a fresh one while he is doing a poo?

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years now.
either of us lock or don’t lock the bathroom doors as we see fit. Nobody cares. Everyone is entitled to privacy married or not. Your husband is being a dick.

So many red flags in your posts OP but this one is the worst for me. In a healthy relationship Your partner would support you if were self harming, they might not understand it and they might not know the best way to help you but they would try. They don’t just leave you struggling.. they don’t threaten leaving you to prevent it.

your life will be better without this man OP.

He's an abusive fuck, sorry.

He's a fucking asshole.

Your husband is a controlling arsehole. You have every right as a grown adult to the lock the bathroom door, whilst you shower or are on the toilet. Your husband shouldn't have a say. Unless he's concerned for your mental state, and that you may harm yourself, then this 'tantrum' is nothing more than him wanting control over you.

He can't give you any plausible explanation regarding why you keeping the bathroom door locked is such an issue for him. Therefore without a reasonable and logical explanation, we must assume it's because he wants power and control over you.

If your husband is asking you to keep the bathroom door unlocked, and you don't want to, then you need to tell him bluntly, it's not happening. Don't agree to something that you don't want to do, for the sake of keeping the peace.

Your husband isn't owed sex, just because you're married. He fell asleep and you were tired. Was he expecting you to wake him up?! Sex makes zero difference to his performance on the football pitch. He fell asleep, but somehow that's your fault!

I suspect no matter what you do, it won't be right or good enough. Your husband likes to criticise you, to keep your self-esteem low.

We only lock it if we’re going to be on the loo for a while - to spare the other one. But I know I can shut or lock the door whenever I want without any comments being made. It is not acceptable, OP, for a spouse to try to prevent you having basic privacy and dignity.

DH knows if I’ve shut the bedroom door he needs to be careful opening it when we have guests - after once opening it wide when I was half dressed and FIL was on the landing.

If you don’t want to leave him, you need to make it very clear to him that it is not acceptable for him to deny you privacy. He does not have the right to see you naked or on the toilet.