Should I agree to my Dad’s unreasonable demand to get the train to his birthday?

[Janefx40]

Never done an AIBU before but hopefully not too contraversial.

My Dad is turning 90 next week. Still has most of his marbles if that’s relevant. I’ve taken the afternoon off to spend with him and we’re having dinner in the evening.

He rang last night to beg me not to drive but get the train - he kept saying “please agree, just for me, because I’ll be so anxious otherwise” (very much not like him to talk like this). I usually drive. It is motorways but not that far.

it takes 45 mins to drive. It takes 90 mins to 2 hours to get the train and costs me £40! Not to mention that I then have to stand in a station late at night and walk back to my car in the dark!!!

I have reluctantly agreed - he’s only 90 once but it slightly screws up my day (was going to work in the morning but this would eat into the time - but it is possible to take it off).

My brother thinks I should lie and drive. My partner thinks I should just openly refuse to get the train and should drive.

Am I being unreasonable to agree to my Dad’s request?

You are being unreasonable and should drive (tell him or lie either way)

you are NOT being unreasonable to agree to get the train just this once.

Don’t lie to him. Tell him you either drive or don’t come. He’d feel terrible if you got the train and it crashed, you never know what might happen

Oh no, definitely drive

I dont even think you should lie

Has someone he loves died in a car accident?

I'd just drive, park around the corner, and pretend you got the train! How would you get from the train station to his house, just wondering if your dad would work out you'd lied to him!

now you've agreed, I wouldn't lie, but it was silly of you to agree in the first, place, particularly given it sounds like the train journey would be more potentially dangerous (let alone expensive, longer and more tiring) than driving!

Did he say what he was anxious about, exactly?

I'd ring him back and say that you've looked into the trains, you didn't realise how much more expensive they are or how late the one you would need to get arrives. At most, if you're willing, I'd say I'd only get it if he covers the difference between the petrol and fare AND pays for a taxi from the station to wherever you need to go, and back for the return journey (if nobody gives you a lift), but point out to him it will still leave you hanging around alone late at night.

If he won't agree to that, or you just don't want to take the train regardless, just say, no sorry, I'll be driving, see you at ....

Uber … DD gets a 45 minute Uber back from her friends, costs about £50

Partner drop you off, Uber home .

Look he is saying he will be anxious if you drive, so if you want to save him the anxiety then lie and say you got the train and drive . You may have to park a bit away

Alternatively a more adult response is to just say clearly, "I'm sorry you will be anxious dad, I am driving becaus the train will make my day very difficult to manage and that makes.me anxious . I love you and I'll be careful. Anyway .... "then change the subject

I am sure people will tell you the first is not ok, but I might do that if I knew my dad might get extreme and refuse to meet or celebrate if I drove.

I just would never allow someoneone's completely unreasonable anxiety to affect my life in this way, however old or young they are . It is just not something I would.tolerate so Iid lie if I had to though I'd avoid that if I could.

Drive but say you got the train. My parents are similarly bonkers, you just have to smile, nod, and lie through your teeth.

Don't start pandering to this. My friend's dad does this and there's basically now the expectation that she will never drive specifically when coming to see him, even though it's massively inconvenient and expensive.

It's totally illogical - he's not asking you to give up driving altogether presumably, only when you come to see him - so just point out that you drive all the time and unless he wants you to stop doing that (which obviously you won't do) then he's making no sense.

I appreciate he's old, but you can't be dictated to by his irrational anxiety over something basic that you do all the time.

Just agree to get the train and then drive and when you get there say the trains were too much faff
Not worth arguing over

I’d just lie. Unless he’s expecting you to join in a big piss up.

I'd probably just do the white lie if it was logistically possible, parking a few streets away or whatever. Drive but don't announce you're going to do so.
If pressed on the day, really pressed, I'd then revert to yes I tried very hard but could not find a train timing that was ok with the work I needed to do. Otherwise wouldn't mention it at all, just turn up without the car having parked a ways away.

Lie and drive.

I would drive and lie.

You might be able to get away with ‘lying by omission’ since you have agreed but might not tell him you changed your mind.

And look up train times home.

”There is a train at X O’clock’ is a true statement. You don’t have to say you are catching it.

Just drive. Either lie or don't - I'd probably lie, but it's up to you - but don't start letting someone else's irrational fears dictate your behaviour, 90 years old or not.

Is he expecting a few drinks though? I would not lie and get the train this time .90 is a special birthday whichever way you look at it .You can relax and have a couple of glasses of wine then

But this day is not about you. So what gift are you getting him for very possibly his last birthday op? When you are refusing to give him what he actually wants.
Personally I'd tell him he's being over cautious, but as it's his birthday you will do what he's asked.

Did you ask him why? Perhaps he has had a premonition. Could you split the difference by driving to a station and getting the train for the final stop?

Feeding anxiety makes it worse!

Is he going to give you some money or make an announcement and thinks you’ll want to celebrate with a glass of fizz?

I’d agree to get the train but then drive and tell him you missed the only train when you arrive.

Strange how he only worries about you driving on this one occasion, yet presumably you drive to different places every other day? Why doesn't he care then? Obviously that's a bit of a mean rhetorical question, but it highlights the slight absurdity of his request.

Why would you give him the gift of lies for his 90th birthday?

You need to find a better solution for normal visits, but this is what he wanted for his 90th.

Is it night driving rather than day driving that worries him? Maybe on other occasions you only see him during the day?

Depends why he wants you to drive. If he wants to celebrate his birthday with a drink and doesn't want you to drink and drive, it's a reasonable request. If he's hoping you'll 'accidentally' miss the last train so he gets to spend more time with you, that's also reasonable (silly for him to go about it this way, but I can understand the thinking behind it). If he's just worried about you driving in general, I would say no, you are going to drive because it's cheaper and more efficient.

You need to prioritise your safety over his feelings, so you should drive.

It's absolutely fine to lie in this instance.

Can you park the car a few minutes away from his house?

Is he the type to demand to see your train ticket?

I would have told him that it's more unsafe for me to be taking the train home alone in the dark and walking to my car from the station - not necessarily true, but it's the language he's speaking.