Should I agree to my Dad’s unreasonable demand to get the train to his birthday?

[Janefx40]

Never done an AIBU before but hopefully not too contraversial.

My Dad is turning 90 next week. Still has most of his marbles if that’s relevant. I’ve taken the afternoon off to spend with him and we’re having dinner in the evening.

He rang last night to beg me not to drive but get the train - he kept saying “please agree, just for me, because I’ll be so anxious otherwise” (very much not like him to talk like this). I usually drive. It is motorways but not that far.

it takes 45 mins to drive. It takes 90 mins to 2 hours to get the train and costs me £40! Not to mention that I then have to stand in a station late at night and walk back to my car in the dark!!!

I have reluctantly agreed - he’s only 90 once but it slightly screws up my day (was going to work in the morning but this would eat into the time - but it is possible to take it off).

My brother thinks I should lie and drive. My partner thinks I should just openly refuse to get the train and should drive.

Am I being unreasonable to agree to my Dad’s request?

You are being unreasonable and should drive (tell him or lie either way)

you are NOT being unreasonable to agree to get the train just this once.

@MrsBatshitRatshit "Being 90 does not give anyone the right to control other people's lives."

You don't know what the word control means. This was a request obviously made out of some kind of concern for his daughter. Very elderly people get frightened about mortality for pretty obvious reasons and he's 90 for god sake. It's the OP's decision of course but I'd like to think most normal people would handle it in a much kinder way than you clearly would.

I think it’s more risky on the train platform in the dark!

how do you normally see him - would you normally drive?

I wouldn’t lie but explain that that train is actually worse for you.

I'd want my memories of his 90th birthday to be of me doing as he asks. Just get the train.

I would drive, and whether you lie about it or not is up to you.

You usually drive there and have done the journey safely presumably, and you say the request is 'unlike him'. It does seem to be an irrational request and I would suspect cognitive decline, and if that's the case I would lie. There is no point trying to rationalise away his fears because you won't win, but equally it is not a rational request so you have no reason to follow it.

i think it might be because it will be dark

Which is all the more reason I would feel safer in my car, getting in to it outside his house or the restaurant, than I would having to get to the station, wait at the station, be on the train with strangers, go through the station at the other end, get home from the station.

If it helps him relax, then just say you are coming on the train, then if he asks on the day, just say it couldn't work when you looked at timings, etc so you changed your mind last minute and brought the car.

Anxiety can be a sign of cognitive decline fyi. Especially if it’s out of character.
Just drive.

Tell him lurking round stations late at night is far more dangerous than driving. Or drive and lie. I think it's never unreasonable to lie when someone else is being a twit. Who gets hurt. If you lie, you stay safe and he doesnt worry. . It's a no brainer. And who are you satisfying if you dont lie? The great lying detectors in the sky ? Who cares.

A lot of older people won't go out after dark at all because of vision limitations. One of the reasons I would like to have BST year round is I think it would reduce the period of time where some older people will not go out beyond lunchtime or at least mid-afternoon.

I don't think you should lie. Could you go earlier in the day?

It's not beyond the realms of possibility that the train could be cancelled/have engineering works etc., @Janefx40

Would he prefer you to miss his birthday if, that were indeed the case?

Travel in the most convenient way to you, and be honest. Nobody gets to dictate this stuff.

I’d tell him it’s not safe for you to get the train that late at night so it is car or you don’t come- unless he wants to pay for 2x Ubers

Drive. You are not the slave of his unreasonable demands. I wouldn't even discuss it.

"It doesn't matter dad. I'm here now."

You cannot set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.

You've got a long commute and work tomorrow. And far less safe to be standing in a station late into the night.

If you agree to take the train this time, you're going to be committed to taking the train every time you visit him 'in case he's anxious'. Then what happens if he phones you up and doesn't want you driving to work any more because it makes him anxious? Or going for days out?

Oh it's a shame the train was cancelled! You had to drive...

Can you say you don't think it'll be safe going back on the train on your own? Promise him you'll drive carefully and stay well within the speed limit and will avoid rush hour.

Op just drive and tell him you’ve looked at train times and they aren’t suitable due to work. Tell him you can’t get the morning off work.

Crazy request. 45 min drive up a motorway used to my commute to work.

@Raghnaidto be honest the train is often cancelled or delayed!!

Yes I did say to him that isn’t he more worried about me hanging around a station at night and having to walk to my car.

i do wonder if this is connected to him no longer driving. I think rather than say “I’m too old to drive” he’s just convinced himself that “driving isn’t safe”!

I can see now most people think I should drive! I’ll see if I can get away with it!

For health reasons, I can't drive, so I have to use the train (or taxis). Most stations are not the deserted, crime-ridden places people are talking about, unless it's very remote.

I'd get the train and arrange ubers to and from the station, or even taxi all the way, given that 90 is a special birthday and could well be his last.