Should I agree to my Dad’s unreasonable demand to get the train to his birthday?

[Janefx40]

Never done an AIBU before but hopefully not too contraversial.

My Dad is turning 90 next week. Still has most of his marbles if that’s relevant. I’ve taken the afternoon off to spend with him and we’re having dinner in the evening.

He rang last night to beg me not to drive but get the train - he kept saying “please agree, just for me, because I’ll be so anxious otherwise” (very much not like him to talk like this). I usually drive. It is motorways but not that far.

it takes 45 mins to drive. It takes 90 mins to 2 hours to get the train and costs me £40! Not to mention that I then have to stand in a station late at night and walk back to my car in the dark!!!

I have reluctantly agreed - he’s only 90 once but it slightly screws up my day (was going to work in the morning but this would eat into the time - but it is possible to take it off).

My brother thinks I should lie and drive. My partner thinks I should just openly refuse to get the train and should drive.

Am I being unreasonable to agree to my Dad’s request?

You are being unreasonable and should drive (tell him or lie either way)

you are NOT being unreasonable to agree to get the train just this once.

Did he say why he was worried about you driving ?
He may not even remember he asked you to get the train.

I would just turn up, you’ve told him you’ll go by train but I wouldn’t go out of my way to tell him I’m driving, I also wouldn’t lie, you are an adult and can make your own choices. When you arrive just say you came by car.

If this was me I would feel anxious waiting around on a lonely station platform and walking back to my car the other end in the dark late at night. I think I would explain that whilst me driving might make him anxious, me not driving and having to do the aforementioned things would make me anxious and I would feel safer by far in my car. The other potential problem is that this might set a precedent if you give in to his fears and he will expect you to never drive to his again. You say he has 'most' of his marbles, do you think he may be losing a few more as this really isn't rational?

I’d drive if I were you. Trains and train stations are not places you want to be on your own late at night. Park a little distance away when you arrive at your dad’s and he need never know.

Drive but don't lie.
Explain you don't feel safe in the dark ok your own - he'd be putting you in danger.

Being 90 does not give anyone the right to control other people's lives.

I’d drive and tell him afterwards if he asks you. If he doesn’t, I wouldn’t volunteer the information. If you’re asked again between now and the event, say you’re still looking into all the logistics (which is kind of true). I’m not a fan of lying.

Has he always been like this? Could be the start of cognitive decline. My dad got very anxious suddenly and it was the first rumblings of early onset Lewy Body dementia.

Drive to the train station and park your car there and pretend you’re driven. Your Dad is 90, humour him on this. Otherwise his party will be ruined with him fretting with you driving home.

I am no expert but this does sound like a possible very early dementia symptom - my own dad used to get sudden unlikely anxiety over fairly normal stuff when he first started to get unwell.

If this is the case, I would suggest lying. Just to be kind. As dementia develops, you just have to go along with their fantasies in some instances, when not to do so is cruel.

Obviously I really hope I am wrong on this.

No, but if he has been an good dad it may entitle him to kindness.

Sounds like what he’s worried about is you driving home alone late at night. Could you stay over and drive back the next day?

Drive, and lie if directly asked - otherwise you don't need to say anything.

It doesn't actually matter why he's asked you. Ultimately it's quicker, easier, safer, cheaper and your choice to drive. But also there's no point in upsetting a 90-year-old hence my "lie if you have to" stance.

Re-reading your original post, it sounds as if you’re driving by yourself and possibly will be dark when you’re driving home. Your Dad is probably anxious because he’s been reading hearing about the recent joy-riding crashes on the motorway. I’d humour him, especially if it’s out of character.

A request made due to some unclear anxiety is not trying to control. It was a request because he has some concerns about her driving. Quite why is unclear.
It wasn’t an instruction or command she cannot ignore if she wished.

He’s 90. Just fib and say you got the train. 👍

Dont lie.

Understand why he is so worried about you driving; if its a premonition then you have a problem, if its that he just worries because he doesnt like you driving explain the safety aspects of driving (waiting alone at the station etc) so that you dont have to lie.

How do you usually get there? Why is he anxious about you driving this visit when presumably hasn’t been previously?

I’m on the side of a white lie though.

Kindness (i.e. travelling by train in the dark) shouldn't come at the expense of OP's safety, and she feels safer in a car.

Just drive. Don't tell him beforehand so he doesn't worry. If he asks say you had to work in the morning and didn't have time to get the train

Just drive. Lie to him or don’t lie to him but drive instead of the train nonsense.

Can you drive to his local station and park?

In this situation it's fine to drive and not mention it.

Oooo everyone is so divided!!! I do think he’s more anxious now he’s older. Yes he’s a nice Dad to those who asked. And yes I can see how this could become a thing now I’ve agreed.

he did say one of the things worrying him about being so old is that he might have to see one of us die! His friends have had bereavements of their adult kids and grandkids.

i think it might be because it will be dark

if I thought he wouldn’t ask then I’d just drive and not say anything but I’m not sure.

I’d drive and lie about it tbh, it’s not worth upsetting a 90 year old (on his birthday at that).

I would drive and not lie, assuming he doesn't have dementia and is still rational.

What he's asking is really unreasonable, and once you do it (or once you lie that you've done it) then it will become the expectation every single time. And it will feed his anxiety, in a way, because there will be fewer and fewer examples of you driving safely and being fine, iyswim.

(If he seems to be getting dementia - and this does sound like an irrational request, so it's worth considering - then I would probably drive and lie. Because there would be no point trying to have a rational discussion about it.)