To think my MIL is trying to break up my marriage

[Cakerose]

My DH and his mum were not at best terms for years, so we didn't have much opportunity to socialise and get to know eachother, but I always suspected that she was not overly happy with the choice of her son's life partner. Perhaps different cultures, the fact I don't come from money (and he apparently does although he had no use of this at all), I can only guess - he never indicated anything as he didn't want to hurty feelings I assume.
Anyway, she reached out recently eager to visit (she lives abroad) and while he was reluctant to host her for the 2 weeks I stupidly encouraged this - thinking it would be nice chance to get to know eachother and build some sort of relationship.
Oh boy was I wrong...
She insisted his work shouldn''t suffer so he spends time in the office (we both wfh), so I ended up alone with her for good few hours a day. In the 2 weeks time my DH ended up.npt talking to me for most of the time - for reasons unknown to me - he would come back from the office crossed - saying things how I ruined his career (which would correspond to MIL's topic of the day - how I should take care of the kids full time and e.g. it's not my DHs job to take our DS to sport activities over the weekend, how he should be spending weekends working as it is clear he will never manage to build wealth as his father did and this is solely my fault?!?).
For the context - my DHs amd my level of education is the same, we both earn roughly the same and work full time, none of is would be able to maintain our mortgage and childcare costs without both of us working. My husband is the type who doesn't cook and clean but does some share of child related work - drop offs pick ups, bedtime...
Since his mum left he refuses to do anything, I also heard him lying to her a few times presenting my work as his (e.g. I took the son to emergency or GP and he said he did, and a couple of more things to 'impress' her I guess).
I am hugely disappointed at him to be influenced by a parent in such a short timeframe and trying to meet some dreamed up expectations, she is completely delusional about how life in the UK is for working class...
She straight up told me she doesn't like how we raise kids (btw they are super happy, clever, lovely and modest kids)...
I am just fed up and don't even know how to tacke this odd situation that came from nowhere...

well I'd never invite her again. Did you correct him when he lied and took credit for your efforts?

Your MIL is utterly toxic but your bigger problem is your DH now refusing to do anything.

She's obviously got to him and there is clearly a very damaging dynamic between them so I would probably come at this gently to start and give him a chance to talk about what's going on and get back on track. He is probably feeling belittled and triggered.

But if things don't change soon you need to read him the riot act.

No because I was just shocked by the fact that a 40yo would lie to his mum about 'doing his homework', I felt like he was 12 year old trying to avoiding being grounded, just horrible dynamic.
Toxic on all.levels.
He also suddenly started telling me off about completely invented things in front if her- e.g..claiming how I am encouraging our child to eat sugar (?!? i cook 2 healthy meals a day for or DS).
Also, he is the one with temper - e.g..if our child has a tantrum my DH will end up raising his voice after 3 minutes, because he himself is not emotionally mature (and now I see why).
On the other hand I never raised a voice at our son, yet this is now a problem -I am apparently too gentle.

My exMIL was similar. She was not trying to break up the marriage, she was trying to put me in my place. I think she herself had not had these choices when she was young and she resented me and my opportunities.

She was devasted when I left ExH, begged me to take him back. But I had had enough of the 2 of them.

As soon as she leaves you need a serious conversation with DH. Probably not worth even trying until then though.

I was thinking this is playing a role here too. She was a SAHM, and had a very different dynamic with her husband and she is trying to force the same here.
It is utterly ridiculous to expect from me to be a housewife (something my DH never asked for btw) while working 9 hours a day 5 days a week. And frankly I do take on the bulk of the children related activities but at least my DH was chipping in during the weekends, and when he is not working - it was expected this is a shared responsibility.
MIL first belittled everything my DH (and me) have built - our home is too small, our car is too plain, our kids don't have enough toys (its a conscience choice Btw), and then day after day made comments about DH being less of a man for doing sny house work, he is now choosing to scroll a phone while I am changing a diaper with one hand and reading a bedtime story to the older kid at the same time! And the sadness of my DS is killing me - for 10 days now he keeps asking why isn't daddy reading any stories anymore. I am so angry at my husband over this.

I think your marriage is done tbh. Is there really any coming back from this?

At least you’re angry at the right person: your DH. Your MIL is clearly toxic and he has significant issues with her that this visit has triggered but ultimately he is the problem.

However, it sounds like he was already sexist before she arrived. You wrote “he’s the type who doesn’t cook or clean”. What type is that? The one with the penis which means he’s magically excused household responsibilities?

Obviously your MIL’s visit has magnified this by a million times but the accountability for his behaviour lies entirely with him.

Out of interest, why is he refusing to read bedtime stories to his DS? That’s not a man job either?

I voted YABU - the problem is not your MIL

Tell him straight cut that bloody cord or your relationship is in great jeopardy..

You need to get ahead of this storm now for the long term good of your family.

My DH was distant from his own parents and I pushed and tried to build a relationship with them. I should have taken his unspoken lead. I was idealistic and assumed she would be appreciative of all the tap dancing I did to please her - how wrong I was. She just subtly belittled and degraded me in a quiet sneery way for decades - sadly I just kept trying harder to win her approval.

If I were in your shoes I would try to remember the husband and family life I had before this derailing and disruptive interloper arrived.

When does she go back? Reduce contact. Know that your DH was subjected to a very toxic upbringing and this has all been triggered with her presence.

Read up on the mother wound and try to understand that he is deeply enmeshed and that because he emotionally / psychologically is unable to push back against the woman who caused the pain he will unconsciously take it out on you. His upbringing has caused some damage and left some flaws and fissures.

But if you are smart you won’t let this pull your family apart - but she needs to be gone and cut out so you have minimal exposure to her.

You have a DH problem, not a MIL here. He's allowed her to influence him, that's all on him.

It's not clear from your OP, have you actually confronted your DH about this change in behaviour? If so what does he say? He can't have it both ways, to provide for the life you have together you need to work which means he also needs to contribute at home. If he wants a stay at home wife than he needs to earn the money to pay for it.

Honestly I don't agree with ultimatums but I would be very clear that if he attitude doesn't change than your marriage is in serious trouble.

If you want to save the marriage then I think you need family therapy where he is confronted with all of this in the presence of someone who's independent.

I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive him for that behaviour - it would depend a lot on our history together.

You need to meet this head on and have the conversation.
”why have you changed since your Mum visited? Your son is asking why you aren’t reading him bedtime stories anymore and you seem to think it’s acceptable to leave me to do everything and lie/make things up, if this is how things are going to be for our family I won’t be sticking around to put up with it”
What an idiot!

I would tell your husband in no uncertain terms that he needs to buck up his ideas and start pulling his weight again or you will be seriously considering the future of your marriage. It worked before because you shared the load - you won't put up with him trying to undermine you or unilaterally change how you work together, so he needs to seriously think about what he wants his future to look like. Don't sugar coat it!

Absolutely this! He’s a grown man and a father, a husband and he needs to start behaving like it! He sounds like a petulant child … I’d tell him he either apologises and starts doing his fair share and drops the attitude which was outdated 60 years ago, remembers you work full time, are educated too and bring home half the bacon, you don’t do that and be a housewife unless he brings in 3x what he currently earns so you can be a housewife and his salary goes towards the home and your pensions (personal and state pension top ups), or he leaves and he’ll them have the kids EOW all by himself and still gives a share of his salary to you and the kids

Wtf. No good man would be that easily influenced he sounds awful. I don’t really care about what she’s done/said it’s irrelevant

Honestly, I would be considering separation.

Quite

My husband hadn't really cooked or cleaned until we lived together. He learned! He can't cook as well as me but he he has a repertoire of about 6 dishes he will cook with zero complaint.

Everything he criticises you for now is his responsibility now, surely, if he thinks he can do it any better?!

Its time for a bit of a cold hard talk about expectations and reality and let him make a choice about whether he was happy before, or will be happier if he is alone and has to be a 50/50 parent instead.

Nope unless he beat a hasty retreat from assholedom I would be reaching for the divorce papers (and then perhaps he’d finally learn how to be an adult too)

To your husband-ask why he's lying. Say you both need to agree on who is doing what, and if he wants to change things that's on him to discuss it.
To her-say you respect her right to have different views and appreciate the different culture. Even, as a mother, say you can understand how hurtful it must be for her not to have a close relationship with her son and grandkids, but that's not on you. And it's up to her and him to sort out historical issues, all you ask is that she is polite to you, and accepts you choose to live in a place with a different culture.
He should not be going to her saying you're doing things "wrong". The blame lies with him here.

You don’t have a MIL problem you have a husband problem. He is weak, pathetic and sexist.

“My husband is the type who doesn't cook and clean but does some share of child related work - drop offs pick ups, bedtime..”

Honestly I would let my MIL end this marriage. He sounds worthless.

You sit him down and say to him ‘Will your mum be proud of you if you’re a single dad? You won’t be able to bullshit about the parenting you do then. Which will be none if it’s any thing like right now. I don’t know how that woman got in your head but she’s not welcome back. And nor are you if you don’t pull your finger out and contribute to your family. I won’t see my children miserable anymore because their dad has decided he’s too special to care about them, you’ll care or you’ll leave. How about you head out now and think about if you want to come back. We won’t miss you with the fuck all you’re doing in this house at the moment.