To think my MIL is trying to break up my marriage

[Cakerose]

My DH and his mum were not at best terms for years, so we didn't have much opportunity to socialise and get to know eachother, but I always suspected that she was not overly happy with the choice of her son's life partner. Perhaps different cultures, the fact I don't come from money (and he apparently does although he had no use of this at all), I can only guess - he never indicated anything as he didn't want to hurty feelings I assume.
Anyway, she reached out recently eager to visit (she lives abroad) and while he was reluctant to host her for the 2 weeks I stupidly encouraged this - thinking it would be nice chance to get to know eachother and build some sort of relationship.
Oh boy was I wrong...
She insisted his work shouldn''t suffer so he spends time in the office (we both wfh), so I ended up alone with her for good few hours a day. In the 2 weeks time my DH ended up.npt talking to me for most of the time - for reasons unknown to me - he would come back from the office crossed - saying things how I ruined his career (which would correspond to MIL's topic of the day - how I should take care of the kids full time and e.g. it's not my DHs job to take our DS to sport activities over the weekend, how he should be spending weekends working as it is clear he will never manage to build wealth as his father did and this is solely my fault?!?).
For the context - my DHs amd my level of education is the same, we both earn roughly the same and work full time, none of is would be able to maintain our mortgage and childcare costs without both of us working. My husband is the type who doesn't cook and clean but does some share of child related work - drop offs pick ups, bedtime...
Since his mum left he refuses to do anything, I also heard him lying to her a few times presenting my work as his (e.g. I took the son to emergency or GP and he said he did, and a couple of more things to 'impress' her I guess).
I am hugely disappointed at him to be influenced by a parent in such a short timeframe and trying to meet some dreamed up expectations, she is completely delusional about how life in the UK is for working class...
She straight up told me she doesn't like how we raise kids (btw they are super happy, clever, lovely and modest kids)...
I am just fed up and don't even know how to tacke this odd situation that came from nowhere...

But what have you got to lose? Either you confront and repair your marriage or confront and he ends it (highly unlikely, I'd say) or you live in misery and resentment. I doubt the old him is very far away. He's probably miserable as hell trying to live up to his mother's ideals. He does need a rocket up him about what he's doing to you and the kids but if you can communicate some empathy for any conflict he (hopefully) expresses when pushed I think your marriage is recoverable. Use a 3rd party and insist on couples counselling if he doesn't snap out of it quickly. BTW, he does need to learn to clean and cook but perhaps leave that for another day.

Sounds like your DH is trying to break up your marriage to me…..

YABU to have ever accepted a situation where is does no housework and not much childcare tasks when you both work full time. Whilst his mum has exacerbated his behaviour, this has clearly not come out of a vacuum. Why do you think it is appropriate for you to bear an unequal workload? I will never understand this.
I’d wait for his mum to go - cant be much longer - and then have the mother of all rows with him about this. Accept you made a mistake to encourage her coming and you won’t do it again, but make it clear you are his equal and won’t stand for being treated as lesser ever again and if he doesn’t like it, he can fuck off.

Honestly I'd leave. Sell your house and get a flat for you and the kids if that's all your finances would allow but not a fucking chance I'd be tolerating this. Have your spoken to him about his nonsense? He needs to realise this will end your marriage, go to counselling with you or fuck off.

He needs to have a serious think about which woman he wants to be married to!

It sounds like your DH has always held the same views, he never did any chores or did much to raise his own children? And now you’re blaming MIL during a relatively short stay?

Get rid of the spineless husband and the MIL problem will sort itself. Not a marriage that sounds like it’s worth saving, in my opinion.

I never understand how spouses think getting involved in a relationship they aren't a part of is a good idea.

This has definitely bit you on the arse big time.

You need to lay this all out for him and tell him you will not hold him back.

Good men do not behave like this.
He is more like his mother than you realised and now you have allowed the genie out of the bottle, you have a huge problem.

Do not tolerate this any longer.
His mother never, ever comes near your home again and you tell him you will not tolerate his treatment of you going forward.

You now are seeing the real him and know he is a liar.
Protect yourself.
This is the real him.
Not a nice man.

A lazy selfish arse that is causing pain and upset to his child.

You need to reach out to your family for support and tell the truth.
He's a nasty arsehole and you need to protect yourself and the children.

Your DH has fallen back into a child-like position of wanting his Mum to approve of him and be proud of him. This is - to a point - understandable.

However, the sort of man his mother would be proud of isn’t the sort you’d have fallen in love with or married or chosen to raise kids with.

So he has a fairly shitty decision. (Shitty but obvious IMHO!). He may need a therapist to help talk him through making it. He can be(come) the person his mother always wanted him to be. He can get a job that pays twice what his current one does and either pay you to be a SAHM (if you can live with that) or pay enough child maintenance you can (both) afford to live comfortably but separately. Or he can tell his mother that he has a collaborative relationship where you both work and both take care of the house and kids and if she kicks off well at least you and the kids will still love him.