To think my MIL is trying to break up my marriage

[Cakerose]

My DH and his mum were not at best terms for years, so we didn't have much opportunity to socialise and get to know eachother, but I always suspected that she was not overly happy with the choice of her son's life partner. Perhaps different cultures, the fact I don't come from money (and he apparently does although he had no use of this at all), I can only guess - he never indicated anything as he didn't want to hurty feelings I assume.
Anyway, she reached out recently eager to visit (she lives abroad) and while he was reluctant to host her for the 2 weeks I stupidly encouraged this - thinking it would be nice chance to get to know eachother and build some sort of relationship.
Oh boy was I wrong...
She insisted his work shouldn''t suffer so he spends time in the office (we both wfh), so I ended up alone with her for good few hours a day. In the 2 weeks time my DH ended up.npt talking to me for most of the time - for reasons unknown to me - he would come back from the office crossed - saying things how I ruined his career (which would correspond to MIL's topic of the day - how I should take care of the kids full time and e.g. it's not my DHs job to take our DS to sport activities over the weekend, how he should be spending weekends working as it is clear he will never manage to build wealth as his father did and this is solely my fault?!?).
For the context - my DHs amd my level of education is the same, we both earn roughly the same and work full time, none of is would be able to maintain our mortgage and childcare costs without both of us working. My husband is the type who doesn't cook and clean but does some share of child related work - drop offs pick ups, bedtime...
Since his mum left he refuses to do anything, I also heard him lying to her a few times presenting my work as his (e.g. I took the son to emergency or GP and he said he did, and a couple of more things to 'impress' her I guess).
I am hugely disappointed at him to be influenced by a parent in such a short timeframe and trying to meet some dreamed up expectations, she is completely delusional about how life in the UK is for working class...
She straight up told me she doesn't like how we raise kids (btw they are super happy, clever, lovely and modest kids)...
I am just fed up and don't even know how to tacke this odd situation that came from nowhere...

MIL sounds vile OP and is clearly interfering and manipulating the situation. It’s not the 1950s, you are entitled to help around the house and a fair share of child rearing responsibilities. You are being belittled for having a job, your parenting, so much more as well.
If it is of any help, my MIL is toxic and tried for years to manipulate. As an example, she would ring DH to drive 20 minutes to her house to collect a birthday card, or collect a small item and she would insist that the visit had to be in the middle of the day at the weekend. She would then keep DH there for hours, knowing our weekends with DH were precious as we both worked all week and DC was in nursery, DH would then come home and then be all weird with me.
I went full no contact with MIL after years of ongoing bullying. DH finally said to MIL that she could walk 50 yards to a postbox to send cards and over the last 2 years he has realised for himself that she is a narcissist.

While this is the sentiment I can get behind, the reality of finances is different - neither me or him can afford to cover the mortgage independently, or cover our part and rent elsewhere. We both have equal rights to live in this house - and that is clearly what he is exercising at the moment as he checked out of any house chores. So it's not like anything will change with me making the statement you suggested.
Also, not to quote everyone separately - some good points made here - as someone mentioned - there is clearly a very unhealthy dynamic coming from his family that he is susceptible to. And while he was isolating himself and us from this influence - we had a very collaborative life, he was a loving and dedicated father, we spent our weekends together as a family - he valued family time. He could have not pretended for years he was enjoying this surely!
I feel it would be an overreaction to end everything over what is 2 weeks worth of completely out of character behaviour from his side..

Or were all the past years out of character then?
I somehow don't know how to approach this conversation with him without pointing out to MiL visit that triggered this and then perhaps pushing him into ending our marriage because masks have fallen - I don't know how to undo this all...

She sounds awful. How odd that DH was wary of her visit and has now reverted back reverted back to an 8 year boy trying to get into Mummy's good books.

I would seriously loose all respect for him. Is his head so easily turned by a few whispers in his ear? Where is his loyalty? How can you trust him after this?

He told you it wasn't a good idea for mil to visit

But you knew better...

My OH is south Asian, and the culture is very different. My MIL is a housewife as was her mother before her, my SIL is a housewife, all the aunts are housewives. They are all intelligent, highly educated women, who had professional careers until they had children, and then that was that.

I'd approach it from the angle of, there are two choices here - if you want a traditional cultural marriage complete with housewife, where you do nothing but work and provide, and I do all the childrearing and housework, then you need to get a job that covers my salary too, with you as the sole provider, and I'll hand in my notice and we'll do that.

Or, things go back to how they were, immediately. Me working as many hours as you, earning as much as you, AND doing all the housework and childrearing is not an option, and frankly I'm appalled that you think it is. If that's what you are offering, then I don't want it, and will act accordingly.

And how does this help the OP with her problem now? 🙄

I sense cultural differences. Do you come from different cultural backgrounds? If so what are they?

He needs to give his head a wobble, take a cold shower and apologise to you.
Never invite her into your home again.

I think this puts you in a stronger position - he needs you as much as you need him as neither of you could afford to live alone. Honestly you need to spell out to him the consequences if he continues with this attitude and ask him whether he really wants to lose you (and his home!)

Exactly. Victim blaming.

You sell the house and use your part to get something smaller you can afford. Do you really want to be with him for years to come? He sounds absolutely repulsive. I cannot even imagine sharing my life with someone like that.

Ugh. I can't advise much but can feel your pain.

It's always been clear my husband's career never really lived up to his parents' expectations - he was a bright boy and they paid for posh schools for him but he plateaued in middle management in his firm years back and has never really had the motivation to go do more.

It's hard as the big CEO type job his parents wanted for him was never really his dream, it was theirs. But it's hard when something is really deeply ingrained how a parent thinks 'success' should look, that their adult child feels they are 'failing' if their life doesn't look like the parents' version of success. Certainly my MIL has been very explicit she believes I have 'held back' my husband's career because I work (not true - I do earn much more and work longer hours but we've always had nannies I have paid for so he could work late too if he needed. And he doesn't because he CBA and goes to the pub or gym instead, his choice). Anyway when she's around he does play up to the 'poor son' thing, massively exaggerating the amount he does around the house because I guess it's easier for him to have his mum think he failed because of his mean wife than just to admit to her he 'failed'.

Anyway it seems to me your husband is similar. It's ingrained. She wanted his life to look different. He wants to impress his mum.

What's his reasoning? Why does he say its fair that you do 50pc of financial contribution and 100pc of child and house contribution? I would be telling him that long term its not going to work. You will burn out. Either he does his share or you ask if he is looking to agree your roles, you'll do everything house and child related and he will have to do 100pc finances and you'll have to downsize and cut back. (To be clear I'd be calling his bluff here but when you actually get into the detail of how you'd survive on one salary he would hopefully see its not practical)

However you can't make him do anything I'm afraid, you can oy decide whether you do his share, whether you only do his share of essentials and ignore his share of everything else (eg don't cook or wash or tidy for him) or whether you leave . That's the only options you have. I'm assuming someone so unreasonable wouldn't agree to counselling

Unfortunately you do need to confront this. You should have corrected the both of them every time they behaved badly, never mind passively accepting everything because you were 'shocked'.
If you are scared of him ending the marriage if you bring this up then don't bother bringing it up. Just get your head down and crack on with the new normal.
What i would do is sit him down and lay everything out. Ask him why he lied, ask him why he has given up the tiny bit of parenting he did. Oh and tell him if he wants a little wife at home, he needs to go and earn alot more money than he does, so you don't have to.
Tell him how much he has disappointed you and that you are questioning if you can stay married to a man who doesn't do much of anything, and mean it.

If you cannot have this conversation then you have to learn how to live with the new him.

OP, you have a husband problem.

“ Well I now know why you didn’t want her to come, all that bull shitting and acting you had to do to keep her off your back. Now she’s gone you can get back to normal being a hands on dad and husband. You will also be pleased to hear I won’t be welcoming her back, if she dose come back I will be very firmly putting her in her place that we are very happy sharing the responsibilities of a family and if she’s dosnt like it I will happily tell her she can keep her mouth shut or I will be telling her to fuck right off and have nothing to do with her ever again”.

Don’t give him a chance to respond, if he tries arguing I’d just look at him 🤨 And respond with well if your suddenly not happy, that’s not on me.

These boys and their clingy mothers. They will probably never grow up, He would need to explain himself big time or I'd be done with his shit.

Your start that conversation by apologising. You should have listened to him and not persuaded him to go against his better judgement

Then you have the discussion about both of you having had a shock, then kids being upset and your happy family life having been disrupted

His response to that will be quite telling and you should be prepared for him to remain an angry, unhelpful, distanced unpleasantness

Hopefully he's got enough about him to recognise the sheer stupidity of the hole debacle and can apologise for having been immature/weak mknded/scared enough to have been so negatively affected by his mums attitude

Best of luck negotiating a return to normality

And yes, I did similar many years ago. My fault I should never have interfered in his relationship with his mother. We both acknowledged our error and have supported each other in maintaining distance and boundaries ever since

Ask him how he's going to progress in his career or get out of any housework/child care when he has his children 50/50 because you are separated?

You might not be able to afford the same mortgage on your own, but you'll be able to live somewhere that suits your needs. Are you in the UK?

But, it does sound like his mother visiting has awoken childhood issues of living with a toxic parent. I wouldn't throw everything away until you have a frank discussion.

Would he be happy with your children being made to feel the same way as he did? Because I seriously doubt MIL is going to have different expectations round them. You don't want that in their lives.

I'm sorry you are going through this but kindly no one on here can offer you a magic bullet. Either you live with this or you lay down the law and be prepared to separate if he doesn't buck up. Is this how you want your children seeing women treated?

Your start that conversation by apologising. You should have listened to him and not persuaded him to go against his better judgement

I also agree with starting the discussion like this.

Exactly.
If you can’t finance the house separately then it gets sold and you downsize.
If you put up with this now in the early stages then it will continue.
The fact he was an active loving father and isn’t now is really really sad. Your children will be so confused.
Either the years before was an act and he’s been reminded of who he is by his Mum or this is an act now, which is so bizarre and hurtful and more damaging because he’s completely changed.
If he so easily influenced to behave in such a vile way, he’s got no backbone and isn’t someone who is on your team for the long term.
Sorry but the thought of a small child being totally bewildered as to way Dad is suddenly acting like a complete tosser is heartbreaking.