AIBU to keep my sister’s former dog after she moved back?

[WatchTheStormTouchDown]

I’ve name changed as this is a very outing situation. I wasn’t sure whether to post in the dog house but opted for here.

My sister moved abroad 7 months ago due to her husband’s work. They were originally moving for 3 years but my sister didn’t settle there so they’ve split up and my sister has come back with her children.

When they were planning to leave, they asked if we would look after their dog temporarily for the 3 years and they would have him back when they returned. We thought it over and said we would only take the dog if it was permanent. We knew our children would get attached to the dog and didn’t want them being upset when the dog had to be returned. They looked at other options but eventually agreed, reluctantly. Microchip/ownership was changed over to us and we pay all costs.

My sister is now back much sooner than planned with her kids and they’ve asked for the dog back. He is our dog now and completely settled in with us. We would all be heartbroken to not have him.

My whole family is piling on guilt and pressure for us to give the dog back. They’re using the kids to emotionally manipulate and saying my sister has enough on her plate with the split and having her dog back would help the children settle back home. They’re also saying that as the dog has only been with us for 7 months, we should give him back as it’s not long enough for him to have settled. My niece and nephew are upset but that isn’t surprising with moving countries, being without their dad and now moving back all within a few months.

We don’t intend to give him back. He isn’t a toy to be passed around when people change their minds and plans change and he has a great life with us. If we don’t give him back, I think it will cause a permanent rift in our family. Are we being unreasonable to keep the dog because we can’t give him up? I don’t believe it’s in his best interests anyway.

And it’s now had seven months where it’s had constant human company and bonded with another family dog. Whichever way you look at this, taking it out of that environment and putting it into one where it’s going to be alone while its owner works is not what is best for the dog.

YANBU OP

I work in dog rescue and we wouldn’t re home a dog to someone who was out at work all day and was only having a dog walker come in for half an hour. That simply isn’t good enough.

Your sister can’t provide a suitable home for the dog and you can, so you keep the dog.

You sound like a supportive sister in offering help with childcare. I hope things improve for your sister but having the dog back isn’t the right way to go about improving things.

I'm not sure why you posted here. You clearly had no intention of giving him back so there's no dilemma as far as you're concerned. It's likely that your sister won't forgive you and will damage your relationship for ever .
if you feel keeping the dog is worth that price then so be it.

Although having read all of your updates, I think that the sister might deserve better from you, op. It comes across as you dont like her.

Theres no shame in being a single mum, it sounds as though youre enjoying seeing her struggle - could this judgement be why she thought it a good idea to follow a man across the world so she has a 'family'?

So you’d take the dog out of a happy family environment where it has human company all day, away from another dog it’s bonded with, and put it into a situation where it’s alone all day while it’s owner works ? OK then.

And l’m not sure what your slightly ridiculous assertions re-single parents actually means - nobody here thinks people who have no spouse are ‘morally inferior’, or that they shouldn’t have dogs. It’s a matter of what is best for this particular dog - it’s now used to being with a family, it has human company all day and has bonded with the other dog. Putting it back into a situation where it’s alone all day, when that is not what it’s used to isn’t in the best interests of the dog. It’s that simple

No, it’s not “simple”. I’ve said OP should give the dog back but I’m not totally unsympathetic to her own disappointment/frustration.

Whether she meant to or not, the impression given is that she’s superior/a better dog owner because she has money, a dog friend and WFH. My point is that dogs don’t care about money or being part of a nuclear family. If you took a much-loved dog from their single parent home and put it in a bigger house where the adults WFH, it would be ‘better’ on paper, but you’d be taking a dog from the people it loves and who love it. This dog has settled at the OP’s and is happy, but it was happy before in its first home and it can be happy again there.

Nobody said her sister didn't care about the dog, but the OP gave very clear rules of engagement, I will take your dog but only permeantly, she was very open that she wasn't interested in a 3 year extended babysitting episode - who would be, all the love and care and dealing with any issues along the way and then hand the dog back again, no way, I get it and she made her terms known. With that said I would give the dog back, I would ask for reimbursement of the costs to date and I would be at pains to point out to the family that OPs children have feelings too and now will be devastated as they were allowed to believe this was their dog for life, the sister knows she is going against OPs wishes and terms but is firmly putting herself and her kids first, as long as the dog won't be in jeopardy living with her, hand it back OP, grieve and then get your own dog that won't be tainted and have acrimony around it, I'd be the bigger person and be clear that is exactly how it is

The dog will be left alone so she is right not to give it back.

He is your dog now. The fact your sister came back after months instead of years doesn't change anything.

Give over. If they hadn’t moved and your sister was working, would you have offered to take it? Called RSPCA because (shock horror) and worker had a dog?

Millions of dog owners work and leave dogs for a few hours, that’s very normal and dogs are absolutely fine with that.

We’re only hearing your side, which you’ve painted to be very rosy indeed. Shame we can’t hear your sister’s side.

Ultimately, it’s your choice as she (felt she had to) sign him over. So you do what you feel is best for everyone. But don’t come moaning on mumsnet when your kids have gained a dog but lost their aunt and cousins as any other family member who sees what you’re doing.

It may be just 7 months to humans but 7 months is a lot longer to a dog in dog years. He's not something to be passed around either. He seems bonded with the OPs dog and way of life. If I was the sister I would think what is best for the dog and my own selfish needs wouldn't be a factor.

@WatchTheStormTouchDown What happens if you give the dog back, and then your sister and husband decide to give it another go and she moves away again? She didn't know she would be moving back after such a short time, so she doesn't really know what could happen in the next 6 months.
As hard as it is for her and her children, I don't think you should give them the dog back, especially considering how it's life would be with her if she is working full time etc whereas with you, like you say someone is home most of the time, and it has your other dog for company. I wonder if she tried to make the move easier for her kids, and being away from their dad, by promising them the dog back?
She knew you only agreed to having the dog if it was permanent, and if she had any inkling she would be coming back, then she should have found a more temporary home for it. Is she known for changing her mind over things, or does she usually stick with it? Just thinking if this is something she does often or if it's out of character for her.
All that said, I totally understand why she would be upset by you not giving her the dog back. I would be devastated in the same situation.

As a side note,

If anyone on here works outside of the home, please feel free to drop your dog off at my house permanently. We work from home in a big house so we’ll be best placed to house them and it’s cruel you’re keeping them from having a life with owners at home. Form an orderly queue.

I can’t find anything in OP’s posts to say she thinks superior in any way. She hasn’t mentioned money and only compared her sisters’ garden size to her own when she was asked. She’s asked her sister to move closer to her so she can help out - those aren’t the actions of someone who considers themselves ‘superior’. And the reverse situation isn’t applicable here - of course it wouldn’t be right to take a dog from a single parent home and put it somewhere else, just because it’s better ‘on paper’. It’s a matter of a familiar environment and the humans it’s happy with. Just as OP’s dog is now.

Nobody is saying that. At all.

I’ve read the whole thread and I don’t think you seem authentic- there’s something else here. I agree it’s a low blow to your sister who’s been kicked down (maybe you think she deserved it?) and her children. Give them the dog back at least.

You sound absolutely insufferable, I am super glad you aren't my sister. Yabu but not really sure why you needed a thread as you have made your mind up. Did you just want to boast about your superior dog rearing skills?! I hope your sister cuts you off.

YANBU OP.

Keep the dog. Your DS gave him up and he now has a better life with you.

My friend is here with me and volunteers for an animal rescue centre. She said they wouldn’t give a dog to someone who was going to leave them alone all day with only a short walk.

I think in time your DS will see that it is for the best that the dog remains with you. She is probably just trying to snatch back her old life in any way she can but her life is going to be different without her husband here. A dog would cause a lot of stress. I think she’ll come around, just give her some time.

It's interesting that at no point have you addressed the issue of how this will impact on your relationship with your sister and wider family.

If sister had handed/signed her dog over to anyone else (ie not family) on a permanent basis.... do you think they would hand the dog back?

I agree with you. I wouldn't want to fall out with my family over a dog either and I love animals.
It sounds like her sister is having a hard time as it is.

Of course millions of dog owners who work leave their dogs while they do so. Their dogs will be used to it and are probably perfectly happy. That still doesn’t make it right to return the dog, because it’s glaringly obvious that moving from en environment where it has had human company all day, to one where it’s alone most of the day will have an effect - not to mention that having bonded with the other dog it will fret for it. A poster from a dog rescue centre has posted upthread to that effect - they wouldn’t rehome a dog into an environment where it spends most of its time alone apart from half an hour with a dog walker.

There is definitely a lack of warmth when talking about her sister. There is no attempt to see things from her sister’s point of view or any words of concern about her niece and nephew.

I get that the OP is technically in the right and can keep the dog. And her kids would miss the dogs too, of course. But the cold way she talks about her sister’s family is quite noticeable.

I guess maybe she doesn’t care if it causes the family rift and it won’t bother her.

Why is she insufferable ? Because she bonded with an animal and wants to make sure she’s doing her best for it ? It’s not a matter of superior dog rearing skills - it’s about what’s best for the dog.

And I suspect there is some exaggeration about how bad the dog’s life will be back with her sister.