AIBU to keep my sister’s former dog after she moved back?

[WatchTheStormTouchDown]

I’ve name changed as this is a very outing situation. I wasn’t sure whether to post in the dog house but opted for here.

My sister moved abroad 7 months ago due to her husband’s work. They were originally moving for 3 years but my sister didn’t settle there so they’ve split up and my sister has come back with her children.

When they were planning to leave, they asked if we would look after their dog temporarily for the 3 years and they would have him back when they returned. We thought it over and said we would only take the dog if it was permanent. We knew our children would get attached to the dog and didn’t want them being upset when the dog had to be returned. They looked at other options but eventually agreed, reluctantly. Microchip/ownership was changed over to us and we pay all costs.

My sister is now back much sooner than planned with her kids and they’ve asked for the dog back. He is our dog now and completely settled in with us. We would all be heartbroken to not have him.

My whole family is piling on guilt and pressure for us to give the dog back. They’re using the kids to emotionally manipulate and saying my sister has enough on her plate with the split and having her dog back would help the children settle back home. They’re also saying that as the dog has only been with us for 7 months, we should give him back as it’s not long enough for him to have settled. My niece and nephew are upset but that isn’t surprising with moving countries, being without their dad and now moving back all within a few months.

We don’t intend to give him back. He isn’t a toy to be passed around when people change their minds and plans change and he has a great life with us. If we don’t give him back, I think it will cause a permanent rift in our family. Are we being unreasonable to keep the dog because we can’t give him up? I don’t believe it’s in his best interests anyway.

Legally you own the dog now, and its pretty insensitive of your sister to expect to have the dog back, she made the decision to come back. She is being totally unreasonable.

It would be distressing for the dog if he were rehomed AGAIN; besides which it sounds like he is much better off with the OP where he is not left by himself for long stretches.
You should keep the dog, OP.

I disagree with the threadGD’s opinion. But she is just debating the topic like you are ‘meant’ to on a discussion board surely. The to and fro of discussion and debate. I can’t see what she’s doing wrong. Other than not agreeing with me and saying I am right ;-)

i think this sounds really difficult but given the dog was with the previous owners for three and a half years and they’ve had the shock and upset of a family break up I think you should give him back but let your family choose a new dog on the basis that it’s very kind and supportive of them to give the dog back and they’ve shown they’re very responsible new dog owners so they can choose a new one who can be friends with their cousins dog.

OP you did a wonderful and generous thing to agree to have the dog with the extra responsibility and expense that it entails. The alternative would have been to rehome it to goodness knows who or take it to a rescue.
Keep the dog. It's a no-brainer. They can visit if they are that bothered. It sounds like the dog is now bonded with your dog so it would be awful to separate them.

You are doing the right thing.

People will lose their minds over a dog debate because they think about how they would feel in your sister‘s position rather than what is truly best for the dog.

You have very good reasons for keeping the dog which all make sense and have his best interests at heart. I would close this down sooner rather than later so it doesn’t drag on.

Well for a start I am not impressed by someone who supposedly loves their dog upping and moving abroad but not taking the dog with them. If the country or accommodation or whatever was not suitable there was the choice not to go
And you know she wasn’t compelled to go by her husband or felt she had to to save her marriage? I’d never leave my dog, but I understand there are complicated reasons why some people might.

Secondly she hardly gave her new life/new country much of a chance did she? I have moved abroad and it takes quite a while to feel settled
No, she didn’t - presumably because her marriage fell apart! And if she hardly gave her new life much of a chance, then you agree she was only away a short time - so the dog can go back to her.

Thirdly she thought it a good idea for the dog to be shared by 3 people! That is just a crazy idea and certainly not good for the dog
Yes, it is crazy. Why would someone have a crazy idea like that? Desperation? Stress? Being pressured by someone? I’d hope she’d have ditched that idea once she was more herself.

Fourthly she works 3 days a week so the dog will be left apart from a walk by a dog walker. It will be leaving behind its new dog friend which will most likely be upsetting for both dogs
Presumably she’ll be looking for a new job, or might not even have to work at all once the divorce comes through. Many people work P/T and own dogs. My childhood dog was looked after a relative for a month while we were away. It had a lovely time and made a dog friend and human friends. However, it was happy to be home with us. When we visited the relative, our dog was just mildly happy to see its dog friend and human friends. It showed zero signs of being traumatised by leaving them. I’m sure it did think about them in the first few days back home with us, but it definitely wasn’t distressed. It then forgot them as it got back into life with us.

Fifthly she ignored an eye problem the dog had - hardly the sign of a caring loving owner
Was it a minor problem or a major one? If the OP had been worried about the dog’s eye, she could have mentioned it. I assumed it was minor and had thus been forgotten or put off until another time. I presume the sister’s vet would have pushed if it was urgent or major.

Sixthly she doesn't seem to have given any money towards the dog's food, vet costs etc etc etc. Again hardly the loving dog owner who is missing her dog and wants the best for them
I agreed above that the sister should repay the OP now or when she’s able. I doubt the OP would have accepted money while the sister was away those few months as she wanted the dog to be hers, and taking money from the sister would undermine that. But now, yes, the sister should give her some money for caring for the dog so that OP isn’t out of pocket.

She's been quite rude to quite a lot of posters and downright aggressive in some instances, including swearing. It's perfectly possible to debate without resorting to swearing at people and twenty pages of aggressive comments should really be called out.

We all get a bit emotional, but I don't think it's entirely healthy behaviour to be reacting this way to dozens of posters. And it's certainly not healthy to not be able to admit fair points (i.e. that this dog should have gone to a breed specific rescue, if any of the people in it's life truly cared for it 100%) 😊

I don't even know why the focus is on the sister. It's the poor kids that are likely missing their dad who could do with the stability and comfort of having their dog back.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. Most people are sympathising with the sister because of her circumstances - which is absolutely understandable. But the fact is that regardless of the way things turned out, she was quite prepared to leave the dog behind for three years, and agreed that permanent rehoming with OP was the best thing for the dog. Seven months in, I don’t see how that’s changed. The dog is settled and happy, has human company and a bond with another canine friend. I’ve tried but I can’t see how keeping Dsis happy is a reason to uproot the dog again and reduce its circumstances.

It's now her dog. All the ownership was transferred. A dog is not a soft toy to be passed to and fro, it is a sentient being with feelings. SiL should get a new dog if she wants one.

Reading all your posts OP, l agree keep the dog he is better off with you.

This is the point most mumsnetters won’t get @WatchTheStormTouchDown , as they don’t consider that dogs are real beings with feelings. I’ve read all your posts and I agree with you. I get your sister is having a hard time but why add another unhappy soul to the mix.

Give your poodle a cuddle from me.

If 2 sisters are at risk of falling out 'just because of a dog' there isn't much of a relationship to start with it right?😅

So if they can't sort it, it tells more about them then about the situation or the 'just a dog'

I've actually wondered about this too. As far as OP's sisters kids were concerned, the dog now belonged to OP because they had moved.

If they are aware of the situation, why has OP's sister/the family got them involved? Especially if they are young. If they aren't aware of the situation then well, what is the issue? As far as they are concerned, the dog belongs to OP as it did when they first moved away.

If the dog prefers yr family and dog then I’d keep it. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to
let them walk it sometimes? Depends on what the dog wants to do?

I cannot understand the negativity you are receiving here from some posters.
It is clear to me that these posters are not dog owners, or if they are then they shouldn't be.

Your sister is back and wants her dog back. By her own admission the dog will be walked by a dog walker, and then left alone while she is at work.
That is reason enough to veto this request.
Dogs get lonely, howl and bark when left alone, and need company.
You do not become a dog owner, and then neglect them, and leaving it alone for long periods is neglect.

The dog was part of her family, but after 7 months is fully integrated into yours, and yes dogs can adapt to new situations, but this new situation if accepted, would not be an upgrade, it would definitely be a downgrade for it.

And, anyhow your family, has now become its family, and your sister is being selfish and not thinking about the dog. Alright she has had a rough time, but shit happens in life and she has to move on. Playing the "poor me" card for sympathy does have a sell by date.
You sound lovely, and seem to be doing all you can for your sister and her family and of course YOUR Dog.

I think you are being very unreasonable.

Firstly, by emotionally manipulating your sister into permanently giving you the dog rather than lovingly fostering and giving back.
She probably was utterly heartbroken but thought at least the dog would see her sometimes in the future . You left her no choice.
Secondly, some dogs adapt to rehoming but some are incredibly sensitive. I.e. poodles.
I think for the dogs sake and your extended family's sake you should return .

There are plenty of other dogs in the world.

I think the dog is telling you quite clearly where he wants to live. And it is not with your sister.

I think you were very clear about any rehoming having to be permanent. Extremely clear.

Plus it sounds like it would be what’s best for the dog to stay with you, which is the most important thing probably.

So YANBU