AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

[Helcarlol]

Hi all, so my DD has 2 DDs who are 2 and 4. Her eldest started primary 1 this year and last year my DD went back to work super part time as a peripatetic music instructor in schools. She works exclusively within school hours.
Last year she did 2 full days a week and I provided childcare on one and her MIL the other. This year she has opted to put her youngest in nursery for most of her hours and eldest is obviously in school.
She asked if on the two days where she starts earlier could I come over and walk the girls to school/nursery, I only live 10 minutes walk away and she is less than 10 to the school so I agreed, I don’t work those days anyway.

So far I’ve been going round for about 8, leaving with the girls around 8:30, DD leaves at the same time.

I also collect them one day a week but she is home for around 3:20 so I don’t have them for long.

This evening she has messaged me asking if tomorrow I can aim to arrive closer to 8:25/30, so she can just leave for work as soon as I arrive and I can leave to take the children to school. This has annoyed me, so far all I’ve been doing is helping with the girls getting ready, making myself a cup of tea etc, and I’ve enjoyed that little bit of extra time with them as otherwise I only see them once a week for 2 hours.

AIBU to think this is rude and unnecessary?

Absolutely this!!!! Mornings are stressful, this isnt a little social event.

Then don't expect people to do you favours then.

She doesn’t. She’d rather sort things herself. That’s what OP is complaining about!

We only have the ops word that the mom is stressed. I'd like to hear the daughters view.

This is an excellent post - spot on

I think your daughter was originally quite rude but if you do indeed talk about her brother who she doesn’t like and his children instead of focussing on her girls then I’d be pissed off with that too.
Slightly different but my SIL constantly talks about her children and grandchildren whenever we see each other and it’s draining when you’re not vaguely interested. She manages to turn every conversation around to her family. Maybe you do that too?
Maybe it’s time to sit back and reflect on what she’s said to you and look into yourself to see if there’s any truth to what she has said.
It’s all very sad though.

It seems to me OP that your daughter just wants you for the minimum of time. She dosnt trust you either with sleep overs but her Mil can have them and they can visit her at the weekend but not you.
Your DD seems to not respect you and only wants to use you when its convenient for her.
I just wouldn't bother if I were you.
Let her pay for someone to come at half 8. Sod her and her controlling ways with you.

Eh?

Both your kids sound like a nightmare! Let dd simmer and see if she eventually apologises. She needs to chill and see the bigger picture. She has been very lucky having you at her beck & call.

I may mention them as I see them more often and I’m excited to share their news but I also talk about the girls lots when I see ds

Why? She doesn’t want updates about him. Nobody wants updates about people they don’t get on with. You should have been present with the children focusing on them, not talking about children who aren’t there.

You should apologise.

Oh well I think you need to reflect o what you said. If you know they don’t get along why are you talking about him and his kids to her? If you genuinely want to sort this situation you need to apologise. You can explain that you were hoping to keep the contact possible between them (or whatever it was you were trying to do) and explain that you do the same with him… but in future you will respect the fact that they don’t get along and not mention him or his kids. It has to be a sincere apology though or it will make things worse. If you can’t see her point then that is the issue…

Perhaps reflect on what she is saying, is there any truth in it, honestly hand on heart can you say you don't do this?

Well, somehow it’s ended up even worse!

Are you surprised??
I don’t know why you would say anything and it seems pushing boundaries may be a common thing for you.

For whatever reason, she has asked that you don’t spend time at hers in the mornings. Most parents juggling 2 DC and work would feel the same even if you weren’t doing anything wrong.

Instead of accepting this and naturally finding out in conversation why this was and mentioning how you enjoy it as part of that conversation - you decided to confront her over text and try and make her feel guilty and that she should be more grateful that you’re doing her a favour.

Your attitude would really piss me off.
I can imagine you won’t be asked to do the childcare very soon.

It sounds as though you and your son are threatened by your daughters achievements and perhaps because she has shifted her class bracket your think she’s ‘snooty’. Kindly, those are your insecurities not your daughters. It isn’t controlling to not want to bring grandparents along to activities, to want to spend your free time with your children, or to not want a toddler staying in a house where she will be on a different floor to her caregiver. I attend activities with my dc and it can often feel cramped when grandparents are also squeezing into the hall/pool side etc.

I really hope you’re able to resolve this for the sake of your relationship with your grandchildren. Although I suspect that will involve you having to shift your attitude and expectations.

I agree - my M knows my brother and I dislike each other, but also like you @Helcarlol insists on talking about him.

I am now NC with my mum (for more reasons than this, but this was the final straw)

Watch your step @Helcarlol - it is clear from your posts who is the golden child

She visits in laws once a week but she also hosts OP for dinner once a week? So that's one quality time visit per week for both sets of grandparents.

You weren’t helping in the morning though OP. You say they are ready to go except hair and shoes, and your DD doesn’t like you to do their hair, so that leaves shoes. 30 minutes for shoes, and you drinking tea and talking about your other grandchildren. I think your DD has been pretty clear and taken the right course of action. You still have dinner once a week.

I don't think she was rude to ask and it isn't really that different.

Totally this.

But as someone said upthread, the replies seem to evenly split between those people who wouldn't mind an extra person in the house on school mornings, and those who would find it difficult. Your daughter is in the latter category, so would it hurt to respect that?

Your DD sounds very sensible and the fact she hosts you and cooks for you once a week whilst working with young kids is lovely. You sound like you don’t really get her challenges, did you work when you had young kids or not?

You know your kids don’t get on and still talk about the other all the time. Your DD feels like DS is the golden child and you are comparing-even if you feel you are not. Apologise and let her know you understand her thoughts and you are very very sorry it has come across like that and it won’t happen again.
Say you are happy to stick to what she wants and that you love her and her children and that you were clumsily trying to spend more time with them because of that.

Have you said to DD that you would like to spend as much time with her girls as you do with the boys?

she sounds like she’s being very unfair on you

I think the issue is that this then seems like she is being treated as hired help..not good enough to pop in properly in the morning but good enough to do the walk to school. I think this was always going to be an issue as surely most people would expect to see their grandchild for more than 10 minute walk to school before sending them off for the day. It worked well for DD as she didn't need to pay anyone but I can see why the OP would be put out at being asked to turn up as they are all ready to head out just for the school run.

Exactly this!

I think OP (and posters saying they’d be ok with it) has forgotten how stressful it is having 2 DCs and working and getting ready in the mornings. You just want to focus on getting ready and figuring out what you need to do that day.

She lives 10mins away but goes over 30mins early to make herself a cup of tea and talk at DD - anyone would find this difficult in the mornings.

OP please tread carefully here. Youre on the verge of completely ruining your relationship with both your DD and her kids, entirely unintentionally.

The ONLY way forward here is to truly listen to her and accept what she is telling you.

She asked you to come later- you could have said “is there anything i can do to make it easier for you? Can I ask what has gone wrong because i thought i was being helpful?” instead you went on the attack without even asking her what the problem was. You sound a bit oblivious to how she views you, and to an extent her brother as it should have been obvious that if you sing the praises of his kids all the time it will sound like theyre your favourite- all the more galling since she thinks you prefer her brother. You just need to listen and accept what she says. You can’t argue your way into her good books!

I think it's understandable but has been put across a bit tactlessly - you arriving at 8 doesn't work for them, it disrupts the focus on getting ready. It's also understandable that you like the quality time together and just turning up to do your task with no fun interaction with your GC feels like a snub.

There might be other solutions but you'll need to dig a bit deeper to find out what they could be.

• do some of the things you've been doing between 8 and 8:30 slow down the getting ready processes?
• do you have particular ways of doing things which aren't the same as your DDs preferences?
• if DD left a bit earlier and let you finish off the getting ready, would you always remember everything or is her presence necessary?

The morning slot isn't supposed to be fun, it's just about getting stuff done in as little time as possible. If it's really just about missing the time, ask for a similar length of time at a different point in the week.