AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

[Helcarlol]

Hi all, so my DD has 2 DDs who are 2 and 4. Her eldest started primary 1 this year and last year my DD went back to work super part time as a peripatetic music instructor in schools. She works exclusively within school hours.
Last year she did 2 full days a week and I provided childcare on one and her MIL the other. This year she has opted to put her youngest in nursery for most of her hours and eldest is obviously in school.
She asked if on the two days where she starts earlier could I come over and walk the girls to school/nursery, I only live 10 minutes walk away and she is less than 10 to the school so I agreed, I don’t work those days anyway.

So far I’ve been going round for about 8, leaving with the girls around 8:30, DD leaves at the same time.

I also collect them one day a week but she is home for around 3:20 so I don’t have them for long.

This evening she has messaged me asking if tomorrow I can aim to arrive closer to 8:25/30, so she can just leave for work as soon as I arrive and I can leave to take the children to school. This has annoyed me, so far all I’ve been doing is helping with the girls getting ready, making myself a cup of tea etc, and I’ve enjoyed that little bit of extra time with them as otherwise I only see them once a week for 2 hours.

AIBU to think this is rude and unnecessary?

@Helcarlol you are coming across as very entitled and demanding.
Just to put things into prospective.
Its unsafe to sleep on a different floor to such young children so your house is not suitable for overnight stays, this isn't your dd preventing you from spending more time with dgc or prioritising the in-laws its a mum safeguarding her young children.
Its normal for a working mum to want to spend as much quality time with her dc and/or partner as possible.
Most clubs for young children dont want/allow multiple family members watching, as it disrupts learning.
Having someone hang around making hot drinks for half an hour before school/work is inconvenient and dangerous.
Comparing your dc and their parenting styles is always going to cause animosity.
Your son sounds jealous of your dd and her achievements.
You need to back off and look at your behaviour and snide comments about your dd and the way you talk about her and her dc, she clearly doesn't need your help but was letting you help so you could spend more time with your gdc. Instead of complaining about not having the time you want with them alone and denigrating your dd for being a good mum maybe look at your sons poor parenting and start telling him that he should be more like your dd when it comes to your dgc.
If you don't wind your neck in and accept that you are 200% in the wrong here expect to lose all contact with your dd and dgc as your being a toxic grandmother playing favourites with your dc and dgc

She lives 10mins away but goes over 30mins early to make herself a cup of tea and talk at DD - anyone would find this difficult in the mornings.

I would have throttled the OP by now!!! Getting out the house in the morning is the wrong slot for 'quality time'

And this is what the thumbs up emoji is for!

Gosh that escalated quickly!
All you can do is apologise for making her feel less then her brother and head around for the Wednesdays.
She was rude asking you to arrive just in time to take them, when one of my parents comes to watch ours for whatever reason they always arrive a little early and have a drink. She was treating you like the paid help, which is unfair.
You may without realising talk about your son and his boys a lot, if you see them more frequently it would be natural to mention them but now you know she doesn’t like it, so you’re on notice to stop given their relationship.
Families are tricky, my own has some weird dynamics, so I appreciate it’s awkward
I naturally don’t talk about some relatives to others because they don’t get on.

I would 100% expect my son to be a bit more flexible if I was doing him a favour. Again, probably cultural as I wouldn't dream of refusing my parents a cup of tea.

Indeed. There is such a strong whiff of disingenuous, faux naiveté here.

And as for saying of course you talk about the other kids, you see them more etc...it doesn't sound like you do? And why would that be a positive thing?

Ok clearly there is something going on there and maybe you are in denial about it.

you need to ask your DD to have a proper sit down conversation about her feelings about you preferring your DS (not about childcare arrangement) and REALLY LISTEN (and not jump to defending yourself). All you can say if she says you help DS more with childcare that you love your grandchildren with DD and would love to spend more time with them.

By the way my MIL goes on about my nephew quite often and it’s irritating (especially as I do suspect that he’s her preferred child). When we tell her about what one of my DD did at school she does often add - and DN did so and so - and whereas to her it’s maybe just a conversation I do get annoyed, why can’t she just talk about my DD without bringing up DN? If there is animosity I would just not mention DS and his children

No one wants a visitor that time of morning when yiuev got school and work, why dint you extend the time you spend with them after the pick up

@Helcarlol So your dd and your ds don't get along. Then surely don't spend your time at dd's talking about ds and his children and vice verse.

I get that you think that dd has become posh and looks down on her working class brother and mother but are you sure that's really the case? It might be your interpretation of things because you have an inferiority complex just as her brother? Or she might be a stuck up snob- we don't know.

It is odd that she doesn't want you in her house at 8- maybe it's just stress? She might need to be alone with her kids. Or it's your comments about ds and his kids that have rubbed her the wrong way. Whatever you do don't give ammo to your son complaining about her.

Totally agree with this. You are doing her a massive favour, you are not the hired help.

If you were going to do your daughter a favour why would you be trying to make it difficult for her?

The DD has arranged for someone else to help her and OP is still annoyed, sounds like the DD couldn’t win.

Stepping back is not the way forward here OP. Your dd has communicated clumsily what the actual problem is - how you treat her v her brother. I would write back a simple

"Ok I didn't realise you felt like that. Can we talk about it?"

There is much much more to this than them simply not getting on. You need to find out what it is even if it's hard to hear. The problem of the bedroom being on another floor jumped out at me.

She sounds like someone trying very hard to do the right thing by everyone; prioritising her DC but still establishing a relationship.

I find it fascinating how people can see a normal familial relationship as 'allowing access to children' like they're a private members club or something.

I think it's a reflection of how dysfunctional their own family and upbringing was.

She's being rude and ungrateful.
I could only wish I had someone to help my kids get ready in the morning..

I think your message to your daughter wasn't put well. It was less about inquiring and finding out what the issue was from her point of view, so you could put it right. More about how put out you feel and a complaint.

Your daughter has been clear and straight forward with you, which is a good thing. You now know what she is thinking and it seems a pretty straight forward thing to address (even though you have to understand there is going to be years of hurt here).

You know she doesn't get on with her brother yet, from her view, you spend a lot of time talking about him and his children. That would be boring even if she did like him. You are constantly putting it in front of her when she has an issue with him. She's had enough.

You are at risk of ending up with little to no contact with your daughter and her family, if I'm reading the situation correctly. In your place I would thank her for being so honest, acknowledge that you have been insensitive and thoughtless and understand that her relationship with her brother is difficult. Apologise sincerely for causing her hurt and promise to not bring him up to her in future. Then do it - don't bring him up. And not one word about your own disappointment.

This.
i don’t think she is being unkind to you OP, I think she is just being practical.
you obviously have a great relationship with your dd and granddaughters, having dinner with them each week. I would just go with this. She is a busy working mum and we don’t always have our calm heads on when making suggestions so they can come out wrong. I’m sure you are appreciated, your dd is just busy and trying to simplify things.

I agree with Muggart that you are on the verge of losing your relationship with her. She has reduced this morning contact with you, not because the mornings are hectic but because that was not the arrangement.

This was a simple request to take the children to school and instead of doing just that you have decided to turn into a social visit by arriving early, having coffee and discuss someone you know she doesn’t like. It’s tone deaf really.

You say you discuss the girls with your son. You shouldn’t be doing this at all. Your daughter will be editing herself so that private issues are not passed on to her brother.

Honestly, there is a massive backstory and I would love to know the side of DD. It sounds like you have favourites and DD is fed up of it, so rather than listen to it she tried to compromise. So instead of going with that she’s said no thank you at all. Would really reflect on what you’re saying about DS to DD and also how you treat them both. I

They don't have sleepovers at OPs because she doesn't have suitable accommodation (rooms on different floors). They visit the MIL on the weekend presumably because the husband is working midweek, they have the OP over for dinner midweek instead - so same period if time. Sometimes if they have time they'll give the OP an extra visit.

Clearly there is an underlying issue though and the OPs daughter has now opted to get someone else to help instead of constantly being talked at about her brother she doesn't get along with.

Oh dear! That sounds like what my parents were like until I had a word. Constantly talking about my nephew. We used to spend visits listening to both of them going on and on about him. I felt like my daughter was invisible to them. I eventually pointed it out to them and they were really offended especially my mum. They then thought about it and realised I was correct and apologised. Do you do the same thing to your son when you visit and constantly talk about your daughters children?

The daughter is the one who has stopped the “beck and call”.

This, but make it clear in your text that you are accepting her decision not trying to change it.

I think your DD has done well to (hopefully) communicate what the actual problem is, and it is a positive that she has done that. I would never have spoken up to my MIL when she did this.

I have no idea what she means by always talking about DS and his sons, I may mention them as I see them more often and I’m excited to share their news

You are completely tone deaf, the child that is not the golden child will never want to be constantly reminded of the fact you hold their sibling in higher regard, especially on the morning school run, so it is obviously a combination of things that has irked her during these morning visits, with that being the thing she doesn't want to tolerate any more, hence her message, you should have been using that time to talk about her and her children, not yap on about her brother all the time.

I think it is great she has told you exactly what the issue is, it's up to you now how you deal with it, I'd be mortified if this was my daughter feeling this way and would absolutely take on board how it makes her feel, but you obviously agree with your son that she is 'too big for her boots' and 'snooty' so will no doubt continue to blame her instead of doing any self reflection.