AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

[Helcarlol]

Hi all, so my DD has 2 DDs who are 2 and 4. Her eldest started primary 1 this year and last year my DD went back to work super part time as a peripatetic music instructor in schools. She works exclusively within school hours.
Last year she did 2 full days a week and I provided childcare on one and her MIL the other. This year she has opted to put her youngest in nursery for most of her hours and eldest is obviously in school.
She asked if on the two days where she starts earlier could I come over and walk the girls to school/nursery, I only live 10 minutes walk away and she is less than 10 to the school so I agreed, I don’t work those days anyway.

So far I’ve been going round for about 8, leaving with the girls around 8:30, DD leaves at the same time.

I also collect them one day a week but she is home for around 3:20 so I don’t have them for long.

This evening she has messaged me asking if tomorrow I can aim to arrive closer to 8:25/30, so she can just leave for work as soon as I arrive and I can leave to take the children to school. This has annoyed me, so far all I’ve been doing is helping with the girls getting ready, making myself a cup of tea etc, and I’ve enjoyed that little bit of extra time with them as otherwise I only see them once a week for 2 hours.

AIBU to think this is rude and unnecessary?

Then don't expect people to do you favours then.

Why is it so frantic in the house. Another adult is there to help with the kids while mum gets herself ready

Sounds like your dd has a ego problem.

The other adult is there chatting about her other grandchildren and making herself tea.

This sounds like classic crab in a bucket behaviour. Your daughter has done well for herself and bettered herself and the rest of you can't stand it. You think she's got above her station and needs putting back in her place. Disgusting. You're supposed to be proud when your children do well. I'd be cutting the lot of you off, you couldn't make it more clear you have contempt for her and you want to be overbearing with her children. It's a good thing she dropped you and paid someone to do it who wouldn't get in her way or judge her, she already sees far too much of you. I've never met a grandparent who thinks weekly family dinner and two mornings isn't enough time with grandchildren and wants to take over all their activities too!

How nasty. Bad smell?
A cup of tea takes a few minutes. And she helps with getting the kids ready. That makes things less manic not more.
How many people would love to have an extra pair of hands who then does the school run!

I think your dd is being really horrible. You are good enough to walk the kids to school but not good enough to spend a little time with them too? I would actually ask her about this op. She might become too comfortable treating you this badly.

This is a classic example of another side to the story.

My mum surveyed my wreck of a house, room by room, while I got DS ready for her to take to school this morning. She told me that she’d hoovered & polished her house already this morning. I just bite my tongue…

Mum was a housewife when we were kids, it was lovely to have her at home & there was no rush or panic. Being a working mother is different. I was doing emails at 6am, as soon as I woke. I appreciate her help.

Oh well OP, she wants to treat someone like the paid help, now she can get her way. I suspect there’s really something underlying the relationship with the brother though. I’ve only got a sister and have same sex children (boys) so I’ve never had to deal with a boy/girl dynamic. I don’t think it’s odd mentioning the other kids and grandkids per se, my mum would do this just to make chit chat but also I love mt sister and her kids so I like hearing about them. But I expect that hit a nerve and I guess you have to think about if there’s can’t truth in it.

Meantime I wouldn’t reply, go round on Wednesday as normal and maybe try to talk less about the others.

It sounds like she is onto something here.

You’re closer to your son, and the way you talk about your daughter being too big for her boots and snooty… it is very clear which child you like best. And that’s an attitude which usually forms when the kids are young and is really very obvious to the less liked child. Sounds like you’ve had a favourite this whole time, and your daughter knows it so limits contact with you. And I’d bet you do spend the whole time talking about her perfect brother and his kids. The way you talk is quite clear that you agree with him about her, and you think she is the one in the wrong but you disagree with what she says about her brother. Because you’re on his side. Stereotypical boy mum. Do better.

@Helcarlol "I messaged DD last night saying I felt put out", so you cut off your nose to spite your face, purely because you cannot respect her boundaries.

Im trying to think how cushy my life would have been if I only had to juggle getting ready for school and work 2 days a week. Some people really don’t know how easy they have it

What a judgmental and irrelevant comment.

then why do you mention them to each other at all?

oh dear - sad state of affairs op.

Could you send a peace making message - after all, this is about seeing your grandchildren.

Could you say - I love you, I love the kids, I just enjoyed the time with them and it meant a lot to me and I was sad to miss out. I'd love to take them in in the morning and could we catch up over a coffeee to resolve this.

sounds like a lot of crap going on under the surface

It's a tightrope with offspring and grandchildren to keep the scales level. I make sure that two families get our time equally. I don't talk about one family to another and won't respond when they bitch about each other. I won't be manipulated by one family to the detriment of the other.

It's not easy.

I'm sorry she's taken that position but I will say I got on well with my mil but every time we saw her she told us what dsil children were doing, how well they were getting on etc and after she died I was talking to dsil and mentioned it and she surprised me by saying how much her mum had talked about our kids. I suppose it was just something to talk about no favouritism involved.
I hope you do eventually get to see a bit more of your grandchildren when daughter gets off her high horse.

I think you need to reflect on yourself here a bit following the update. Your children don’t get on. Unless your daughter asks about her brother or his kids there’s no reason to chat about them. There’s probably loads of history here you aren’t sharing and it’s triggering for her.

My uncle disowned me decades ago when I married my husband (different religions). My mom for some reason tells me all his news. All the news about his kids. Still refers to him as ‘Uncle Whatever’ when she (regularly) mentions him even though he chose to not be my uncle at all. It’s annoying but when I’m in a bad place otherwise it’s quite triggering. I’ve asked her multiple times to stop and she keeps telling me she’s just ‘telling me the news’ like I care. So maybe this is more of this situation than you realise and your daughter wants to stop having every workday start by feeling angry or sad.

I think I'd be a bit put out but I'd also try to be empathetic to your DD- She is stressed in the morning, wants the children to look just right etc. Yes, she needs to chill out. But I'm a bit taken aback that you feel you don't get to see the children often enough when your daughter goes to the effort of having you for dinner every single week! That's a hell of an effort.

I have read your posts and you don't seem to like your daughter very much- you call her controlling and snobbish, and seem to judge her for wanting to be as present as she can in her own children's lives. She will have picked up on this OP. I think you're pretty fortunate that she still makes the effort to judge someone who feels she's doing many things wrong...

I know you offered to help do their hair etc, and she said no - but I do understand that she probably prefers her way of doing it. (i’m trying to imagine my DM trying to help with things like that and it would be a disaster!).
It would have been nice if you had taken the initiative to do some easy things to help - eg wash their cereal bowls and your tea cup!

Too late now anyway.

Please take on board what she’s said about how you’ve upset her, and listen to it! Sometimes we adults try to explain to our parents what has bothered us and then we get shouted down or the parent refuses to take it on board. That makes things even worse and we give up and withdraw.

OP, I agree with you. Rude and unnecessary. My MIL does our school run once a week (and will help out adhoc if need be) and I wouldn't dream of asking her what your daughter has.

If you are prepared to come round for 8, couldn't she leave that last bit of getting them ready to you and then leave early for work herself?

It sounds like you and your son have been doing your level best to make sure your DD and her daughters know that you think her brother, his children, his parenting and his choices are entirely superior to hers. You win, she knows. Tough luck that you don’t like the consequences.

Rubbish. If the op is so horrible why did the daughter let her childmind last year? And is happy for her to take the kids to school but not socialise with them apart from a 2 hour dinner. The daughter is a user.

Your dd is rude. She can start taking her own children to school and drop them off at breakfast club. How is she so stressed? It’s not like she’s working full time.

So you witter on about your golden child’s children when you’re supposed to be there getting to know hers, judge her for having behavioural standards and wanting to ensure her children look smart for school, judge her for being “controlling” for actually wanting to spend time with her own children, judge her for achieving something academically, dedicate more time on holiday with your son, and she’s the problem for saying “enough is enough” and not wanting to deal with it before work?

DD thinks it because you’ve made it obvious enough in a few posts for us to see, let alone a lifetime for her. I’d put money on you exacerbating it by complaining about her to DS when she’s annoyed you.

Enjoy your free mornings. Maybe use them
for a bit of self-reflection and consider the role you’ve played in all of it.

In my experience, parents can bum-up a sibling to another, yet feign ignorance when challenged. Ye olde drama triangle, with zero accountability. You reap what you sow, as they say.