AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

[Helcarlol]

Hi all, so my DD has 2 DDs who are 2 and 4. Her eldest started primary 1 this year and last year my DD went back to work super part time as a peripatetic music instructor in schools. She works exclusively within school hours.
Last year she did 2 full days a week and I provided childcare on one and her MIL the other. This year she has opted to put her youngest in nursery for most of her hours and eldest is obviously in school.
She asked if on the two days where she starts earlier could I come over and walk the girls to school/nursery, I only live 10 minutes walk away and she is less than 10 to the school so I agreed, I don’t work those days anyway.

So far I’ve been going round for about 8, leaving with the girls around 8:30, DD leaves at the same time.

I also collect them one day a week but she is home for around 3:20 so I don’t have them for long.

This evening she has messaged me asking if tomorrow I can aim to arrive closer to 8:25/30, so she can just leave for work as soon as I arrive and I can leave to take the children to school. This has annoyed me, so far all I’ve been doing is helping with the girls getting ready, making myself a cup of tea etc, and I’ve enjoyed that little bit of extra time with them as otherwise I only see them once a week for 2 hours.

AIBU to think this is rude and unnecessary?

My first reading of your OP was to question why you arrived 30 min early for school run.... The last thing anyone need in the 30min before leaving the house in the morning, is a visitor!

I can’t believe some of the replies. I really don’t see how the DD is being rude or ungrateful. She has asked for help for a specific thing, you either want to help or you don’t.
My DC are the same age and I know if my mother turned up at 8 while we were all getting ready and sorting out things for school and nursery it would all go to shit, the kids would be trying to play with DM, not listening to me about getting ready on time and it would be chaotic and unhelpful.

But then she does want her there 15 minutes later.

I think she sounds awful - asking for these favours and making it as unpleasant as possible. The problem is that if your priority is continuing to see your grandkids for the school run, you just have to do whatever she says. I’d show up a bit later and stop making yourself a cuppa at hers as that seems to be really annoying her and just enjoy the wee bits of time with the kids.

I thought this too!

As she treats you like the hired help, I would offer my services elsewhere! Yes, I know you wouldn’t have that time with your DGD’s but you may find there is more quality time with them, without the ‘job’.

There are always families looking for before and after school help, who would be delighted that you offered. You could build an appreciated relationship with these children.

Sounds like its about what her daughter wants as well. I am in two minds on this. It all sounds transactional on both sides. What I would say is it seems a bit gifthorse/mouth thing. If you want someobody to do something for you then you you can't lay down the exact way you want it done, but yeah, morning prep time is not usually "tea and a chat" time in any house!

I would say no to the school runs from now on. Age seems to want to minimise contact anyway. What a control freak she is

Well, somehow it’s ended up even worse!

I messaged DD last night saying I felt put out and really enjoyed the time with the girls in the morning and I felt as though I was being treated as a childminder not their nana.

DD has replied this morning with
“I’m sorry you feel put out, however I find it somewhat ironic you say you enjoy the time with the girls when you spend both all of that time and all of the time we see you on Wednesday talking about DS and and his sons, I find it off putting when I’m getting the girls ready and you are going on about other children all the time. Since you don’t seem to be happy with the set up I’ve arranged alternative childcare starting today. We will still you on Wednesdays and I’m sorry if this causes upset.”

I have no idea what she means by always talking about DS and his sons, I may mention them as I see them more often and I’m excited to share their news but I also talk about the girls lots when I see DS!

Clearly I’m not wanted in this situation so I will just step back.!

Perhaps it’s because she is their mum? And she wants to do these things herself.

Why does she hate her brother so much

I find it odd that you actually messaged her to complain about this. You are a mother yourself, anyone with a brain knows a school run morning isn’t the time for a sit down tea and a chat.
You can’t moan about not having the kids longer, not having them for sleepovers but then complain this much that you feel like a childminder because your DD has asked you to do one favour to help her out. She probably thought it’s good you have the whole day to yourself now that she’s put the youngest in nursery.
Sounds like she can’t win, when you mind the kids during the day it’s not long enough, but when you drop them to school it’s being treated like a childminder.

There’s clearly a long history of discontent between you and your DD imo that you’re glossing over here.

Well if she's doesn't like her brother and nephews then I can understand not wanting to hear about them all the time. She probably thinks he's the golden child.

You don't talk about her in a very positive light on here and sound quite judgy. Also, quite demanding of their time.

You've obviously got her back up talking about your other child a lot, listen to what she is saying there rather than go on the defensive.

I think dd has probably made a good decision. She was looking for help to get the children to school. You were happy to do that but only if she could entertain you for half an hour in the morning. She wants that half an hour to be with her children so that doesn’t work for her. She obviously won’t want you feeling like you are being treated badly so better she pays someone to do the bit that makes you upset. I think she sounds very sensible.

If she doesn’t like hearing about her nephews you could stop talking about them?

So all of the posters suggesting you were getting in the way during a hectic morning, faffing too much making tea, not being helpful enough were totally off piste. Not surprising but it goes to show the importance of directly asking the person what is going on.

Your reaction is a bit sad OP. She’s clearly got some underlying resentment about how she feels you treat her versus her brother. Rather than address that, you’ve gone on the defensive.

It sounds like you think she has got above herself going to university, and you talk about her brother all the time. You don’t seem to like her, and you seem to expect to take her role in her children’s lives (watching after school clubs).

Perhaps she feels this negative judgement in her brother’s favour?

She needed help with the school run, and if you care about someone and want to help them, you offer what they need, not what you want out of it.

OP, this is your chance to resolve what has clearly been an issue that your DD has been holding. Please don’t waste that chance to resolve it. You’ll need to tread carefully, but it sounds like your DD needs reassurance that you love her and her kids as much as you do your son and his kids. Make sure you tell her that you talk about her kids to those cousins and uncle.

i do appreciate that it’s hard being a mum even when your kids are adults!

However, with kindness (I’m only saying this to try to help you), it sounds like you’ve been quite self-centred. Your message to her was about how the new plan made you feel put out. You should have focussed on finding out how the original morning arrangement was making things hard for her.

They don’t like each other, it’s not just DD who dislikes him.

DD thinks I prefer her brother, give him more support and let him away with things even though he is an adult.
He thinks DD has gotten too big for her boots and judges his parenting.
DD thinks his children are bad influences, DS thinks her children are being raised to be little princesses etc.

There is no getting them to agree, I think the last time they had a nice conversation they must have been 10 and 13!

Agreed.

This is a very sad outcome. Your daughter closely doesn't get along with her brother and evidently you show up, make a cup of tea and talk about them (surely you know this would annoy her). You also sound like you really don't like your own DD the way your posts and comments are written on here. So many nasty comments about your daughter preferring to actually parent her own kids - she is their parent, why wouldn't she want to do all those things?

I agree either way all of this.

I feel quite sorry for your DD.

OP, I imagine that you making a cup of tea early in the morning was getting in the way and having hot drinks around young children isn’t a great idea. My mother used to have a favourite child and favourite grandchildren and talked about them all the time she was with us. She also used your expression of ‘ sharing news’ when asked why she always talked about them. This really grated on me when I read it on your post.

Well there you go. You only listened to the advice that suited you.

"Somehow it's ended up even worse" is very passive...you know full well how it has "ended up worse"! I hate disingenuous speakers who never take responsibility for anything.

And being “controlling” over her children! The OP sees them several times during the week and the children are still very young.
Its not controlling to not want your 2 year old sleeping over at a house that would mean them being on a different floor to the person looking after them, it’s not controlling to want to collect your 4 year old from reception on the 3 afternoons you’re off work!

They haven’t liked one another for a long time, and it struck you as a good idea to talk about him and his children to her regularly, whilst spending time with her children? That must be very uncomfortable. She’s made a very sensible decision.