DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

What an utter cunt.

Get out now - this is only going to get worse, and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to leave.

That broke my heart.

Please speak to your family.

I was in a very similar situation when mine were tiny. It’s hard to leave but harder to stay.

The thing that gave me a push was someone on here asked if I would be happy for my children to grow up and be treated like I was because they were learning about love and marriage from us. It woke me up. It was incredibly hard, I won’t lie but I’m so much happier.

OK, OP, you do need help, advice and support from Women's Aid or similar if there is a group or charity or council service in your area.

People think domestic abuse is violence, but it includes emotional abuse, co-erceive behaviour, financial abuse etc.

The Women's Aid website is very informative.

WTF am I reading?

Tell your father the truth.
Involve the police.

It is utterly heartbreaking to read of such horrific abuse of a vulnerable post partum woman.

That she somehow thinks this is what normal marriage is like.

Poor, poor woman.
So awful to read.

Please tell people the truth.
Abusive relationships thrive under secrecy.

Shine a light on them.
You deserve so much more than this.

Omg. This is getting worse.

Please consider your options. Is this really how you want to live?
X

Phone the police and Women's Aid for advice. You can email WA and leave an online form for the police, if that's easier.

Please leave him.

Just make sure you don’t tell him where you are when you leave.

could your dad help with a long term (2-3 weeks) air b & b booking? Speak to women’s aid and a solicitor asap. You may be able to stay in the house but you should prioritise getting out of his control.

good luck xx

👏👏👏
its vile.

why do you keep having children with this man? I don’t know. Terror. Control. Forbidden to use birth control. Not able to go to the doctors unattended. Google search history checked. Or even the naive soul crushing daily wish that just that one next thing might change him.

i had two babies with my abuser. The second pregnancy I concealed from my own family.

FWIW I was a professional, educated , strong woman… DV is deeply misunderstood on MN by many.

OP - I’ve done it, many others here have done it. You can be in a refuge in 24 hours and rebuild every part of your life.

What a fucking bastard. Pardon my language. I’m so sorry that you are having to endure this awful treatment. YANBU at all. Not even a tiny bit. Horrible man. I agree that you should tell your dad because he’d be appalled that he has stolen your gifts.

Hateful behaviour on his part. How dare he take your father’s gifts? What a nasty bully.

And he’s not “DH” he’s the wanker you married xxx

Really terrifying and chilling. This is an abusive relationship and you and your children are very vulnerable with a person like this. Get as much legal advice as you can and extricate yourself and your children as quickly as you can.

Can only echo what a lot of other posters are saying.

What a horrible, nasty prick!

@BeBlueSeal it isn’t black and white like that. Im an educated person so it’s really not plain simple, otherwise I woulsnt be in this situation. To others we seem
like a happy family and a happy couple, We have some good parts to our relationship and that is what I (and others) get wrapped up in. You accept his “bad” behaviour sometimes for the good times but other times it’s just not acceptable when the line is crossed …. Clearly it’s not like that every day.

Here's a story for you OP. A million years ago I was married to someone like that. We were living in some shared accommodation and I had NOTHING. I washed my clothes in the communal laundrette of the building and hung them out to dry. Everything I had was stolen off those clothes lines one day.

I rang my mum in tears and in the only clothes I stood up in. My parents sent me a gift voucher to by some clothes (this was the 80s, it wasn't like today). When it arrived my husband took it to buy himself some new clothes. I was allowed to get one thing. He got the rest.

It's 2026, this was literally 45 years ago. He's dead now. I divorced eventually and the rest is history. But the pain is still there. I'm still telling that story.

That is what your "husband" is doing to you. He is stealing the love of your parent, taking the financial benefit, and leaving you with a lifetime of pain. In 40 years time, you will still suffer that pain. You won't care about the cream. But you'll remember the pain, the worthlessness, the hurt, and the theft from someone who really loved you. Take that message, I beg you.

Op please make sure you have no more babies. Keeping women pregnant is very often a method of abusers to keep women vulnerable.

Are you in the uk?
Get in touch with womans aid. They will help

He earns 100k+ and you have no money of your own after bills, he won’t let you go out in the evening, he even steals your birthday presents…
The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247 https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/

OP, I promise you that you and your DC will have a better life without him. You’ll live without fear. You’ll have freedom and choice. The DC will grow up in a calm household where love and laughter won’t be stifled.

Please please find a quiet moment to phone the domestic abuse help line and talk this through. This is coercive control. This is not good for your kids to see this so if you can’t find the strength to leave for you, do it for them. But do it carefully. With support.

Please let this be your cue to leave this arseshole.

Oh, and by the way, I see your update. You're an educated family? I have a doctorate from Oxbridge and a serious career. Abuse is abuse. It hides in plain sight.

Please listen to this - and please make this call or contact online.

Whoa. Has he always been this way

I completely understand. I was in your position with a 2 year old and a newborn 8
months ago x

So if you pay bills 60/40 and he is on 100K plus, your salary should also be quite reasonable?
No wait, let me guess, you spend all your salary on bills while he spends a fraction and hoards the rest?