DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

Honestly don’t think about it just go. Tomorrow when he goes to work pack a bag and take the kids. Go to your dad/parents or to a hotel.

OP, this is really really horrible.

And very damaging for your poor kids.

Do you have your own car to use? How far away does your dad live or any other relatives?

Does this man work away from home?

If so I suggest you de-escalate tonight, say 'I understand you are not happy, we can talk over the coming weeks' and then tomorrow while he is out gather up your stuff and go to a friend or relatives.

From there seek advice and support from any local Abuse support services or charities and do your best to get hold of Women's Aid. Call the council and say you are fleeing abuse.

It sounds drastic and huge, but honestly, from our pov your situation looks terrible.

Of course you are heartbroken.

Keep posting.

You have made the biggest start, posting what has happened.

We are all on your side.

What an abusive piece of shit.

Absolutely
this is abusive

👏 👏 👏 thank you for saying this and putting this misogynistic victim blamer in their place.

He’s a horrible controlling prick OP. What were you thinking having 3 children with such an arsehole.

You need to get away from him and separate asap.

I’m sorry he ruined your birthday treat from your dad.

Good luck.

Get rid of him. No one deserves to be treated like that!

He sure will.
op this is what u need to do. Now, before he starts hiding accounts and balances.

His behaviour is abusive and controlling.

And to speak to you like that in front of the kids is beyond awful.

You absolutely do NOT want your kids ti grow up thinking its normal to treat another person like that.

I'd perhaps contact womens aid for advice.

Or you stand up to him. TELL him it was your birthday money you spent on something for you so he needs to give it back. If he refuses then I'd make plans to leave.

Do you have your own bank account?

You know you’re describing an emotionally and financially abusive relationship right? You and your children would do better without
him.

He doesn't want you to spend money on clothes, nails, cosmetics etc or go for a swim because he doesn't want you to feel good about yourself in case your self esteem rises and you start realising you deserve better. He wants you to feel like you look a state when you go out, have nothing nice to wear to socialise in so don't, and that you aren't worth treating yourself. He doesn't want you to talk to other people because they will - as we have - tell you this is not ok.

Rhetorical question but how much does he spend on the gym and pub? You are only on mat leave with little income because you have had his children, and yet of course it's all on you.

Are you really asking if you're being unreasonable? If so, please, please get some therapy. He has done a number on your self esteem.

Why is 100% of your salary going on bills?

HOW DARE HE !!! is that not theft ? as well as financial abuse !

I would have let the neighbours hear ! they may have intervened.

You need to find your anger.

and I hope you tell your Dad how you are being treated !!!

A 3 month old and 3 children under 5....Hells teeth. He seems to like getting you pregnant & constantly having children...🚩🚩

Divorce the abusive prick now.
how dare he.

pack your things and go and stay with your dad for a while, be sure to tell him what you’ve said here

I’d bury the cunt under the patio 🪏

Forget about divorce for now that is next months problem.
The thing to focus on now is your safety and physically extricating yourself from a potentially dangerous relationship.

The time when a woman is most at risk from an abusive partner is when she is trying to leave. When they think that their power is starting to slip they can ramp things up to keep you in line and in the relationship. The only day my sisters abusive ex physically attacked her was the day she tried to leave.

Start talking to family, let them in and get them to help.
I would be concerned about the level of control and his temper I would be looking at leaving when he isn't there.
Definitely contact women's aid and other charities for advice but do not use your phone or email. If you can't use someone else's maybe look into a cheap burner phone.

Be careful with contraception and make sure you have control over it - injection or implant sort of thing. One way my ex bil tried to keep my sister where he wanted was with "unexpected" pregnancies.

You have been amazing today, you have sat up and said this isn't right and I'm not going to stand for it. You can get out of this relationship and I promise you, it is the best thing you can do for your children.

You do realise you have free will?

You’re being abused love. I don’t know how much clearer we can say it.

Everyone saying get up and go tomorrow but I know that will be too overwhelming.

First step is to accept that he's not going to change and it's not going to get better.

Then start making small steps to get all your ducks in a row.

If you tell your Dad what's happening will he confront your husband? Or will he help you to plan and quietly leave (like Katie Holmes and her Dad).

Do you have a bank account that's solely yours?
Copies of all important documents.
Can you start a small savings fund that you keep secret?
Start moving clothes and belongings that won't be noticed to your Dad's?

@BeRedUser , how would your dad respond to what's happened? Could you stay with him too?

Taking your gifts is nasty behaviour in itself but calling you a liar and a thief in front of the children is taking abuse to the next level and is very serious. You need to take some advice from a woman's helpline. I dont know what is available in your area.
Have you talked about this to your parents? They are the childrens' grandparents and will surely be very worried about these developments.

OMG what a horrible abusive cruel cunt. Can you get the stuff out of the car? Go and hide it at your dad's.

This is coercive control and financial abuse and is against the law.

Does your dad know what he's done? Could he help you?

Oh OP I’m so sorry, what an absolutely abusive arsehole he is. I’m glad you’re leaving, what an appalling sorry excuse for a man he is.