DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

Awful. He is not only abusing you, he is abusing your children emotionally too. So damaging for them to be exposed to this.

he is a fucking wanker

Agree. It sounds as though OP has very little support available - her parents live in another country and she says she doesn’t have a close relationship with them. With children to think of she clearly can’t just up and leave, so it needs to be carefully planned with the involvement of support organisations. I think some of the things OP has said indicate that she has been conditioned by him over time to accept that she is at fault. This incident seems to be just the latest manifestation of an abusive setting and although it’s good that it’s been enough to open OP’s eyes to what’s happening, leaving is an enormous step and she’s going to need all the help she can get with that, and with what follows.

I agree, escalating it when she has 4 little children, including a young baby? Not great advice.

After reading your updates OP I think you need to speak with woman’s aid they can help you to plan your escape and document everything. Would one of your parents fly over meet you at the airport and fly back to their home with you and your children so you can recoup and have some time away?
something about the cat being injured when your not around worries me, do you think he could have hurt the cat purposely to warrant a trip to the vets in order to get you home? If this is a possibility he’s a very dangerous man if he thinks you could leave him and take the children he could do anything to stop you so you need to be very discreet about this. I know you have no money because the scumbags making sure it’s tied up on bills but have you a close friend who could help you store some resources at their house, clothes and necessities for yourself and the children. He doesn’t sound very hands on so he won’t notice clothes and things going missing. If you have someone to facilitate this you could start to pack up your life quietly to get away from him.

Do you live in the UK? Or do your parents live abroad?

Perhaps your dad knows and has the measure of your DH hence why you specified the money was to spoil yourself. Please reach out to your parents.

WHO THE HELL VOTED THAT YABU???
🤦🏻‍♀️

Please do NOT have any more children!
Get the arm implant or coil or pill free from a sexual health clinic. 💊

Please get copies or screenshots of all his financials (including savings/ pensions etc) 💰
Do you own your own home? Is your name on the deeds? 🏠
Start making a log of all the times this has happened and when - for evidence. 🖊
If you honestly cannot leave now, then please start getting your ducks in a row. 🦆
Start playing the long game of thats what you need/can tolerate 💯

Hugs to you OP 🫂
He is a piece of shit.
@BeRedUser

I didn’t know that.

@BeRedUserwhat do you plan on doing? If he’s telling your DC now that you’re a liar and a cheat he is going to carry on and turn them against you.

if you want any kind of relationship with your DC when they’re older you do need to leave once you have a plan to do this safely.

Have you spoken to your employer?

She needs to tell her Pa regardless.

Sometimes I read threads like this on here and I really, really hope they’re made up with a bored person slurping on a cup of tea in their dressing gown.
I have no reason to believe that this isn’t real, so I am sat here shaking my head in disbelief. Please, please tell your dad what your bastard of a husband has done and said first.
Then you need to contact women’s aid. Also the police as he’s effectively stolen your property.
Please find a way, any way, to leave him before your children are damaged even more.

Why are you putting up with this nonsense. Tell him to fuck off and divorce him.

As if she could do this - wouldn't be fair on the kids at all. Imagine the scene he would make.

OP. I'm really sorry you're going through this. You must get away ASAP for the kids sakes, as well as your own.

I know you said some people think you're a lovely family, trust me, people will be able to read between the lines and see some of what he is, i mean your neighbours alone will have seen that.

Can you ensure you don't get pregnant again?

I know how hard it feels to leave but you can do this. Please take care. You deserve to be happy, safe and free.

This. It is clear you are being abused. Show your children what love and relationships should be like. Do not let them learn from him and how he treats you. Leave.

I feel the same, because it's really so distressing. I've read some threads about awful men on here and get concerned for some women about how low the bar is, but this is something else entirely.

What an absolute prick. How dare he decide what you spend your money on.

I hope one day soon you’re able to leave, you deserve so so much more than to be stuck with a man child who treats you this way x

It's coercive control and financial abuse.

I'm so sorry you are being treated this way. It might help you to talk to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline because when you're living in it, it's hard to know what's normal and easy to believe you are over-reacting - because your abuser has made sure you don't know up from down. This is the number: 0808 2000 247

They can also give you advice on how to extract yourself from the marriage, when you are ready. Your children deserve so much better than seeing their Dad tear strips off their mum - and worse, what they see is what they'll be. Little boys growing up thinking that level of manipulation, bullying, lying and control is what being a man looks like, and little girls thinking it's normal to be shouted at and for women to have no freedom or autonomy.

Sending so much love and strength your way. And happy birthday, for what it's worth. You deserved the creams and the treats, I promise xxx

Unless you, as a family, are totally broke, that's unreasonable behaviour. He has basically stolen your birthday money from you that your dad gave you to treat yourself to use it for general household expenditure.

Taking his own present back is just spiteful.

Not sure what to advise here . Clearly he needs to be informed that he has been deliberately hurtful to you, and that you are revaluating his attitude towards you and your relationship. If you are that strapped for cash, leaving him isn't going to be affordable while you can't support yourself, or access benefits. . Maybe you could go and stay with your dad for a few days to spend sometime apart until he apologies .

If this is a pattern of abuse, you really do need to get financial and legal advice about an exit strategy.

What the actual hell…I hope this is a troll post

DIVORCE

Take pictures of the gifts locked in the car. Also start a diary of all these things he is doing. I think you will be shocked that he is doing more than you think.

What's the betting the selfish nasty prick has loads of expensive man-hobbies. Golf? Sailing? Ultra-marathons? Expensive gaming computers? I bet he doesn't drive a second-hand Ford Fiesta, that's for sure.

He's earning £100K and you're not allowed to spend £40 that your dad gave you??!!

I'm beside myself with rage on your behalf.

Guys like him need exterminating.

Coercive control is a criminal offence in the UK.

You - and your children - need, deserve and can get help to protect you from this person so you can restart your lives.