DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

@BeRedUser I am so so sorry. You must feel so trapped.

Please find help. This will get worse, you are already physically scared of him.
He has isolated you and made you completely dependent on him and is now financially and vocally abusing you.

It makes me cry he is shouting at you in front of the children. You do need to leave. What happens when he starts getting violent when you answer back?

Start getting information and help. Set up a separate email account and start a diary of his abuse there.
Take photos of his payslips, bank statements, bills, everything and send to this account.
Build up the evidence you are going to need.
Big hugs. I'm sorry you have to live like this x

Horrendous behaviour. Tell your dad, he should know what has happened to the gift he gave his adult child. If I were him I would go WILD. Can you go and stay with your dad?
Your husband is an absolute prick.
You do need to divorce him.

Financial abuse.
Why on earth did you give him all the presents and not tell him to fuck off!

Did you read ANY of what she wrote? She’s scared of him. He is a foot taller than her, screaming in her face in front of their terrified children and the neighbours. She did whatever she could to stop him terrifying them all further. Do you understand men like this at all?

Because if you read through her posts OP is clearly scared of him, and this is a pattern of abuse. She has no nearby family support and being the victim of this kind of coercive and controlling behaviour can be isolating. It’s also evident from some of the things OP has said that over time he’s conditioned her to accept that she is at fault.

I’m sorry you and your children live with this utter loser. You sound really strong. People like him like to keep women pregnant to make them less ready to stand up for themselves. I hope you get to separate and claim everything he owes you. Make use of good people around you. Don't rush but get prepared to be free and safe. Being tired is so hard too.

Just read this from a relationship therapist and your marriage sounds like the last one- the one it’s best to end.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2026/aug/31/as-a-therapist-heres-why-i-sometimes-advise-couples-to-end-their-marriage

I suspect if you had bought £50 worth of books he would have taken them off you. When you decide to leave him give him no clue. I have seen too many programmes about women who have been killed by ex husbands and partners. Don't get your stuff, don't tell him to eff off. If possible quietly save some money.

He's a complete controlling bully, a vile pig, tell your dad and leave him, years of compete misery ahead if you don't, you did nothing wrong, you weren't being selfish it was your birthday!! 💐💞🙏 I'm

I really hope you get away from him, you have done the right thing by reaching out for support.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. This is abusive behaviour. I would give some serious thought as to whether this is how you want to live out your remaining years.

And what does staying for the kids entail? He shouts at mummy in front of their faces. Come on, you know this isn’t right. Your kids and you will be better off without this awful fucker in your lives. You are being abused.

Sorry, but his actions are seriously abusive and you trying to hide it from your parents and your children is not a good idea.

Speak to your dad and tell him the truth and get him to come with you to see a solicitor about divorce.

Your H is not a good man and you cannot stay with him as it will cause you and your lovely children very serious mental harm in the long run. None of you deserve that!

I’d actually honestly tell my dad. While showing up on his doorstep with suitcases.

Contact womens aid. They will get you all away safely and help you get your life back on track. Don't delay. Pack bags, imcluding passports, fav toys, essentials, and bank details (savings etc), then just go.

I've formally volunteered for them and I swear this will help 100%.

Without doubt this is abuse. You need to leave. Can you go stay with your dad?

Your husband is abusive, controlling and sounds like he is alienating you from friends and any support network. It won't get any better. You need to get out. Go and see a solicitor/citizens advice and plan how you are going to leave him. There are routes and support available and it sounds like there are assets which the courts will make available to you.

She said he lives abroad, so she can't go there.

The fact he’s happy to shout at you and verbally abuse you in front of your children is even more heartbreaking. The more your children witness this abuse, the more they’ll suffer as a result.

Leave him. You can do it, even with 4 children. Contact WA and get the ball rolling. Don’t let your children grow up in an abusive household, it will affect them. You can’t stay with this man, he’s not going to change.

Stop putting up with this shit! Go get it out of the car and tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not your fucking boss, you will spend your birthday money however you damn well like and if he wants you to contribute more financially then he can pull his fucking weight raising HIS children! Do not be afraid of shouting, fucking shout back. If he touches you, call the police and having him arrested.

Oh, and tell your dad what happened to his present. In detail. Because if your dad is anything like mine, your DH will be taught a valuable, humbling and likely painful lesson on how to treat his daughter.

This doesn’t sound like good advice for someone who has a 3 month old baby and other children under 5 in the house.

OP’s parents live in another country.

OP, just to reiterate what everyone else has said

• You are in an abusive relationship and are being abused
• Please get help from domestic abuse organisations to leave your abusive partner
• Rather than stay 'for the kids' you need to LEAVE precisely 'for the kids'
• Tell your father, family and friends everything. You need real life support.

In your position my first step would be to get the maternity wages paid into your own account and not hand over 100% to household funds - I'd not hand over any at all right now. You will need money to leave. If you feel threatened by his reaction to this, call the police immediately. If you think this is too dangerous to do, you may need to coordinate with domestic abuse organisations to flee to a shelter before you do it. Please discuss it with them.

Why on earth would you post such dreadful advice to an OP who is clearly in a situation involving domestic abuse from a partner who she is clearly scared of ?

Is he at work today OP? Do you feel safe to call Women’s Aid or Refuge and ask them about coming up with a plan to leave safely?

You may have to accept that you go into a Hostel, if one is available, for a time and leave with not very much but this has to be preferable to being frightened in your own home and having him co trop you and try to turn the DC against you.