DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

Can you call womens aid for advice if you're in the UK? His behaviour is horrible and abusive towards you - the best thing you can do for your kids is divorce him and show them what love should look like because this isn't it

Dear OP,

Please listen to me 🙏 I am ‘your’ child. I’m now 51. Have NC’d for this, MN can confirm if needed.

You may believe you are doing the right thing for your children by staying. You are giving them a home, food, a relationship with their father, they have access to funds. All of life’s necessities.

And that’s not bad, ok. That’s wonderful, your heart is absolutely in the right place but those little people, they need you, their mum, you are their world. You are their protection and safety blanket. That’s what they need right now, today, tomorrow and next week.

The emotional security a child receives throughout their younger years is crucial and critical, so important beyond ways I can say to you.

I have had psychologists,
psychotherapists and psychiatrists for 30 years now, and I am in two weeks starting yet another new therapy for Complex PTSD.

My mental illness, having witnessed what my mum went through because she thought she was doing the right thing in staying, has permanently broken me. I’ve never had job security because I trust no-one, as such I have no money, I’m lonely as I have no friends, I have many, many autoimmune conditions (they believe triggered by living in survival mode) that have many side effects along with the medication that give yet more pain.

I exist and every day I battle with my brain.

PLEASE do not stay ‘for the children’. Show them you are all worth more. What you receive is what they will expect when older.

Tell your dad. What a nasty wee shit your husband is. I am sorry this happened to you. Make a change so your next birthday will be better x

I’d get the box back and tell m to do one. I’d get him nothing for his birthday. I would start looking at how would things be financially if you split? What maintenance would he be expected to pay. Would you be entitled to any benefits. Could you afford to rent/buy. ? It is a huge step leaving but honestly I did it 20 years ago when my dc were 4 and 6 and now it seems like a blip in my life.

This is domestic abuse. OP is not ‘allowing’ him to do anything. She is the victim.

He is awful. Sorry.

This is horrendous. So controlling and he obviously thinks of you as a lesser human being to him. Please leave him and tell other people in your life what he has done so they can help you.

This is exactly it, he thinks he is the boss of the household including her.

Please divorce the abusive prick, and absolutely tell your dad why. I’d be going straight to the car and taking those creams right back. How dare he.

Emotional and financial abuse

This is text book emotional and financial abuse OP.

Leaving him will be difficult, and will take some time, but you can do it and one day in the future you will be glad you did. Leaving an abusive relationship is a process not an event. It is something you need to prepare for and something you will need support doing, you need to speak to a solicitor, try to find one that understands abusive relationships and speak to a domestic abuse agency too. Domestic abuse agency is likely to have a waiting list so will likely be a few months/weeks before you get much support. But when you contact them ask them for advice on finances, they will be able to give you some advice in that regard.

This is emotional and financial abuse.

You have to make plans to leave as he is abusing the children emotionally by telling them you are a liar and a thief. I think you should tell your dad I know he's in another country but he can help you make plans to leave and hopefully help you financially.

I agree with your dh's opinion that creams and nails are superficial junk. To ME. But I don't get to define what's junk for someone else! My dh loves to buy dvds which I think is a complete waist since they are dematerialised now. Well, I don't tell him this because it's none of my business as long as our finances are sound (no debt except mortgage). He's a twat and an abusive one at that. Start planning to get away. You are entitled to benefits and cms and you and your children will be OK. You don't want them to live with this abusive man!!

Bless you, you must have felt humiliated.

Hes abusing you and your relationship isn’t healthy. Your kids will come to either accept your relationship as a model for their own future ones, or they’ll come to hate dad and resent growing up in an unhappy household.

You say you’re staying for the kids and I can totally understand it feels like that, but you aren’t. You’re staying out of fear of the unknown.

I would start trying to work out what the unknown actually looks like so you’re not as fearful. Call women’s aid or refuse and ask for advice. Find out what rights you’d have. How long things take. You may find you have more options than you think.

Poor you, made to feel like that in front of the kids over £50 🙁

For context, if it helps… my husband earns 50% more than me, until fairly recently I was a SAHM contributing nothing. My lifestyle hasn’t once dipped. I go out regularly with friends, I buy myself stuff without fear and I get a say in all household decisions. His money is our money. We are together as a team. You were right when you said your husband is a prick, he sounds like a nasty fucker.

What the actual fuck have I just read??? I'm sorry OP, your husband's behaviour is vile. Please speak to your dad. You have options.

The exact point of giving money in lieu of a present is that the recipient then buys themselves whatever present they want with it.

You already know this, but your DH sounds like a nasty piece of work. Is he a prick in other ways? I’d be making an exit plan.

I can only add to the what a cunt chorus.

If you don’t recognise the nature of the behaviour OP is describing as controlling and abusive then you really shouldn’t be commenting. ‘What are you, 5?’ is not remotely an appropriate response to an OP in these circumstances.

Very few things make me cry but this did.

I'm so sick of this breadwinner crap, where men manage to gaslight their wives into believing it too!!! He has a family, provided by you and your bodily and career sacrifices. Does his thick head not see that if you were working full time your kids would be in costly childcare?? I have a cousin like this and she bows down to her husband even though she works full time too, as he has a more lucrative job. It's such financial abuse, its disgusting. Earning more usually makes someone the boss of a workplace, not their HOME!

Do NOT allow him to take your gifts back. Evrn if you have to involve the men in your family to come and get them.
Then divorce this cunt.
This is coercive control.
This is NOT his property it was a 40th gift from your father.
Im so angry on your behalf I can hardly breathe.
Your 40th is special and he has NO RIGHT to do this.

Are you in the UK? If so this sounds like coercive control and you should go to the police.

and he is not a breadwinner if he pays just slightly more. Especially considering OP spends ALL her salary on bills. He's a user.

I hope you are seeing things clearer today OP.

@RaininSummer You can change your vote