Page 17 | DH wants my birthday presents back

ThatHangryRubyReader · Yesterday 23:51

WOW I don't even have words that is beyond abusive and really out of line.

Minniemeandothers · Yesterday 23:53

I feel very sad reading your post and if you were a friend, I would be very concerned for you, it sounds like you are in an incredibly tricky situation and feel like you have no way out. It sounds like you are being manipulated and controlled and that is not ok and cannot be compromised on because you feel you have nice moments too. Have you thought of reaching out to a women’s support group in your area? There are lots of charities out there which offer help to women who are in similar situations to yours. It is difficult to face up to it and I can assure you, it can get better and you can regain agency and power. I wish you all the best.

Spaniellover2 · Yesterday 23:54

Why did you allow your husband to do this? He does not own you.

francy99 · Today 00:01

I feel so sorrY for you. This is so out of order and as other posts have said this is some form of controlling behaviour. What right has he to demand that you return the creams that you purchased with your Dad’s money. What would have happened if your Dad had purchased the creams himself and gave them to you. Would your controlling and somewhat abusive bully of a Dh demand you give them back to your Dad?

Movingonup313 · Today 00:12

Spaniellover2 · Yesterday 23:54

Why did you allow your husband to do this? He does not own you.

You do know your first sentence is victim blaming. In DA the victim does not ALLOW the behaviour - they are a victim of it.

EmailsaysOOO · Today 00:21

Have you got separate finances? Either way your husband sounds mean. Has he always been like this ? maybe you should show him the results of this thread

PPAPPINE · Today 00:21

This is awful. He is abusive to both you and the children. Please seek help, speak to women’s aid

Flossyknicks · Today 00:22

I clicked the wrong box, so take it as your AIBU if you stay with the absolute loser xx

DearDenimEagle · Today 00:28

My first exH was like that . Selfish abusive prick. Go with your gut.

Giraffehaver · Today 00:33

Get rid of this prick

DearDenimEagle · Today 00:34

BeRedUser · Yesterday 20:22

@BeBlueSeal it isn’t black and white like that. Im an educated person so it’s really not plain simple, otherwise I woulsnt be in this situation. To others we seem
like a happy family and a happy couple, We have some good parts to our relationship and that is what I (and others) get wrapped up in. You accept his “bad” behaviour sometimes for the good times but other times it’s just not acceptable when the line is crossed …. Clearly it’s not like that every day.

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Abusers never abuse all the time. They have to throw in some good times to keep you hooked and the more trapped they think you are, with children for example, the more abusive they think they can be.

You need to plan an escape or your children will grow up thinking this is how marriage should be. Girls will settle for abusers and boys could be abusers. They learn by example .

Anonyanonay · Today 00:37

Hailgladdeninglight · Yesterday 20:22

Here's a story for you OP. A million years ago I was married to someone like that. We were living in some shared accommodation and I had NOTHING. I washed my clothes in the communal laundrette of the building and hung them out to dry. Everything I had was stolen off those clothes lines one day.

I rang my mum in tears and in the only clothes I stood up in. My parents sent me a gift voucher to by some clothes (this was the 80s, it wasn't like today). When it arrived my husband took it to buy himself some new clothes. I was allowed to get one thing. He got the rest.

It's 2026, this was literally 45 years ago. He's dead now. I divorced eventually and the rest is history. But the pain is still there. I'm still telling that story.

That is what your "husband" is doing to you. He is stealing the love of your parent, taking the financial benefit, and leaving you with a lifetime of pain. In 40 years time, you will still suffer that pain. You won't care about the cream. But you'll remember the pain, the worthlessness, the hurt, and the theft from someone who really loved you. Take that message, I beg you.

This. He's an absolute psycho and fucking nasty with it.

Crispynoodle · Today 00:39

LTB

JustSawJohnny · Today 00:39

BeRedUser · Yesterday 19:31

Money is not tight. He earns £100k plus, obviously we have to be a bit more careful while im maternity leave. He is a serial
saver and specifically doesn’t like spending money on clothes and certainly not creams.
The issue is what he hates spending money on, he hates me spending money of “female” things, he thinks women waste money on “junk” like getting their nails done etc.

Edited

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The more you say, the worse it gets.

He is emotionally, verbally and financially abusive.

No, it's not easy to leave, but on his wage I take it you have a house that can be sold and you'd get half of it.

Ring your dad and tell him what's happened.

I really hope he has a few choice words for your cunt of a husband.

Time to get your ducks in a row Op because staying with an abusive man 'for the sake of the kids' will do more harm to them in the long run than leaving.

Peachperfect · Today 01:20

BeRedUser · Yesterday 19:12

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

He has obviously slowly groomed and manipulated you to the point u are questioning yourself. You deserve to have the rare treat for yourself, not just because of your birthday, but also because you are a busy, tired mum. And i can guarantee he doesnt even do 10% of what u do with the children. He's a control freak and ia disgusting. You and your children deserve better. It will only get worse in the end, no matter how many times he says sorry x

Booboobagins · Today 01:25

What an AH. Why did you give them to him? Is he violent?

Divorce him. He doesnt love you.

MyFreeOpinion · Today 01:26

OP, please start making plans to leave.

Cornishclio · Today 01:39

He sounds abusive and it is a massive shame you had 4 children with this nasty man. Are you in UK?

user1492757084 · Today 02:44

Take your little child to visit your Dad for few days. Your Dad will give you some much needed TLC.

KarenNextDoor · Today 03:16

Do you have any family in this country? A close friend you can confide in? You need to get away from him. What an awful man

TealSapphire · Today 03:22

I would be getting across your financial position asap.

How much in savings, what's owed on the mortgage, pensions etc. You may well be okay financially once you split.

LivelyRedFawn · Today 03:30

What makes it hard in these relationships is that he isn't always or even very often like this. In part this is because you have modified your own behaviour to ensure that he does not explode. He is emotionally, financially and verbally abusive but you have 4 children with him so obviously he has many other redeeming qualities which is what makes these situations so very very hard to leave. If you get over this one, there will be another one at some point. I agree it is very hard for you to leave but not impossible. Can you call Women's Aid and just chat with them?

Mummyoflittledragon · Today 03:43

He’s keeping you bare foot and pregnant. Please, please get some iron clad contraception and get out as soon as you can.

Curious77 · Today 04:59

BeRedUser · Yesterday 19:12

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

You don’t need telling that this is abusive and controlling behaviour! It won’t improve, take it from someone who knows! Get out and find peace, if not for you , then for your kids.

Bowies · Today 05:00

What have I just read?!

This is awful, I’m so sorry OP.

The shit show of a DH is the one who needs to be sent back. Fuck his presents, but the creams from you dad?! Were you supposed to buy nappies with your birthday money?

Please don’t let this go. It shows him up to be deeply unpleasant and abusive at best, pathological at worst.

It will only escalate and get harder to walk away as you get more worn down by his behaviour.