DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

He is an utter cunt.

OP, speak to a SHL. You need to leave this man as soon as you can.

Because I’m petty, I would be secretly damaging things of his that matter to him. I knew a woman who used to brush her hamster with her husband’s toothbrush. Sometimes these petty acts make it bearable to live with these pricks until you can leave.

She is asking for help, she doesn't realise that she is ALLOWED to change her circumstance, obviously it won't be easy but she may need reassurance that she has every right to a better life for her and her children. She DOES have free will.

Are you in the UK? Speak to women's aid they can guide you given your children and situation. Please leave him.

He stole the present your dad gave you!

STOLE IT

he had no right to take those creams and to take them and then your gift back was abusive.

I would be telling my dad exactly what happened and then making arrangements to leave

Actually I can't agree with you.

Op really does need a reality check about the huge damage her husbands behaviour and their relationship is having on her children. Those children will grow up with a dysfunctional relationship as a model for relationships. They will have mental health issues and possibly personality disorders as a result. It is not putting the boot in, it's being honest about the effect her relationship will have on their children.

This made me really sad OP

He’s a joy sponge that is denying your worth, how dare he take your presents?!

is this what you want out of life going forward?

Your H is abusive to you. Your Dad wanted you to have something little for yourself. You need to divorce the H. He won't improve he'll get worse over time, abusers always do. Save yourself a lot of distress and divorce him. Ask your Dad for support. Tell him what your H did.

I hope this thread has given you the reassurance that HE and not you is totally in the wrong here. Might I suggest you contact women’s aid to discuss and get some professional advice https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/
Well done to you, it takes courage to post when you are in a difficult situation, and open yourself up to others advice. X

That’s straight up abuse. I am so angry on behalf of you.
can you move to your parents and divorce the cunt??

his Behavior is utterly shocking, bloody awful. There’s nothing he could do to make up for it. One or two days like that would be enough for me to divorce.

It is black and white. It doesn’t matter that he’s not actively angrily abusive every moment of every day, he is abusive every day that he spends his money and takes all yours. He is abusive every day that he uses his time for him and doesn’t allow you any. He is abusive, full stop, and it is black and white.
do not let things he says stop you. ‘Youre stealing my children’ you: if that’s how you see it, someone has to look after them and you don’t. Him:you’re stealing from me. You: that’s such rubbish. Why don’t you go ask the police.

call women’s aid, see what they say. Tell your parents you want to leave but have nothing. You may not legally be allowed to take the dc out of the country permanently but perhaps you can for months while divorce starts if your parents will buy tickets? Then you can keep all your money those months.

That is abusive I agree with others.

Really helpful comment (!) Of course anyone in hindsight wouldn’t, but what are you expecting OP to do about it now?! 🙄

OP if you can’t, or don’t want, to leave him at this point in time (I know this isn’t straightforward) may I very strongly urge you to ensure you are on long lasting contraceptive eg implant, injections or coil. Keeping women tied down with pregnancy and small kids is a depressingly common abuser tactic.

I am going to say this. Some of these women on MN are savage (I feel justly sometimes and say that kindly). But we can’t be a platform of one sentiment, which is pity “I am so sorry…”, “I am so sad…” all of the time.

We all have opinions, personalities and experiences. This is not a platform for blanket validation. There are checks and balances in place and we also have the ability to report.

In real life, as ADC, as DParents as DWs, as all of the many fundamental roles that women provide, sometimes hard truths/opinions/questions must be allowed.

I hope that makes sense.

Wow, that is NOT OKAY. Leave the creep. You deserve to do something for you. I hope you can get the creams back. What a shit way to treat you, you’re on maternity leave and it was your birthday, he should have said “YES, oh good, so glad you’re taking care of yourself.”

this is really bad, OP. I am so sorry. I bet your father would be furious if he knew that creep took money that was given to you as a gift.

This is that absurd that I don’t think it’s a real post

He is basically saying that because you are on Maternity Leave you do not deserve anything for your 40th Birthday

If I was you I would tell my Dad exactly what happened and then I would get him to ask me in front of my husband what nice treat I got with his money. See your husband be big and clever then

What possible explanation did he give you for taking your other presents away??

If this is real I would google Narcissistic abuse, I think he was actually furious that you got some joy that was not within his control/permission

How disgusting I’m absolutely seething for you

I think you should still tell your Dad. He sent you that money and he does care. Even if you just tell him a little bit.

Is there a friend that you spent time with before the children? Tell them too. Even if you just say “things aren’t great”.

There maybe someone here that’s volunteered that they lived through this and got out. Maybe someone would be willing to connect via PM.

Starting this thread was such a good first step. You’ve been isolated and having people on your side will help..

Oh OP, I'm near tears on your behalf. He's horrific and I hope you contact Women's Aid.
You & your children deserve to live a life that is not decided for you by a dictator.

@BeRedUser i think you should consult a solicitor . This is so sad to read.
Get your ducks sorted op and get the hell out of there . You will be better off financially when you leave him . Think of it this way , the cream he tooke off you the money will
be returned when you take half the savings . Half his pension and he has to pay his half for three kids. .
You can do this .

This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read on MN.
OP please advocate for yourself and your kids and start getting your ducks in a row to leave. It will do them untold, irreparable damage if you stay and continue to put up with this. It is not normal behaviour and completely unacceptable.

This.

This is the reality of control in plain sight.

You have contributed your entire body, risked your like and health and now dedicate time to create the life you have. He contributes his work hours but does not share that with you fully.

if he can afford to go to the pub but you can’t “afford” to keep a gift of moisturiser, he is not contributing in line with this ability.

His “share” is not whatever is needed after your whole income is used for bills! His income is for that — you called him the “breadwinner” — and if after all the family costs are met there is excess, it is apportioned by agreement to savings/pensions/personal freedoms!

Can you go and get the presents back out of the car? He has stolen them from
you. They’re not his.

Contact Women's Aid. And very soon.

This is dreadful and not only does it affect you, it affects your children. You need to get out soon, and safely. And that's what Women's Aid helps with.

Your husband is a cunt, I’m so angry for you. Please leave x