DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

He’s a cunt and I’m so very sorry that you have had children with him. Please consider how you might, safely, get away from him x

Wait, what have I just read? He told your tiny children that their mummy was a lier and a thief??? Those poor children must be distraught watching this play out. Imagine being so small and helpless and watching someone bully the person you love the most. He’s not just abusing you, he’s abusing them.

I wish I could show you what 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years from now will look and feel like if you just leave. I so so wish I could.

I can tell you however, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years from now will be the same as right now if you don't.

I swear on everything I've ever known, your shoulders will feel so fucking light the day you kick him out. It won't even take 24 hours, if you are serious about having enough you will feel so light the day you decide you are truly done.

It's much easier than you expect you know, you'll be a better person, a happier person, a better parent, your kids will feel happier. You'll have more money, more free time, even if it's every other weekend. You can buy your own face cream.

No not every day is bad I understand this, but what if every day was just good, always, instead?

.

It is that simple. He is an abusing abuser that likes to abuse. You need to become a leaving leaver that likes to leave. I have been there and life is a million times better now.

It’s actually reduced me to tears. This is one of the worst things I’ve ever read on here. @OP if you’re in London and need a lift, PM me. Anywhere you want to go, no questions asked. I have baby seats.

Economic control is controlling/coercive behaviour/Domestic Abuse. How fucking dare he. Tell your dad about your present and divorce this utter wankertron. Hugs.

Tell your dad that your husband has stolen the gift you bought with his birthday money from him.
then contact women’s aid for advice on leaving him.

So he’s a the 60% “breadwinner” and does he do 40% of the childcare - and I mean “care” not the controlling abuse he uses with you — and consider you both in a team that needs both money and care?

The money your father gave for your birthday is NOT for bills unless there is no other money.

If the neighbours hear him shouting they may form the correct option of him — let them — and of course tell your family.

The shame is not yours. It is entirely on him.

Your children will follow patters made familiar in childhood. Be under no illusion, this kind of demeaning, dismissive, dehumanising of a mother by a father will leave a lasting impression.

Leave before he causes you and them even more harm.

Honestly this is the worst thing I think I have read on MN. Please start planning on how you will get away. Yes you have three very young children, but for all of your sakes you cannot let them think that the way he is treating you is acceptable! Start off by seeing if you can get half an hour/hour with a solicitor and go from there. Do you have a joint account? And if so can you access and see how much money is there. Pre-planning is what you will need to do as it sounds like as soon as you say you’re leaving he will start moving/hiding money. So try and get as much information as possible. Sending you lots of love and solidarity also wishing I could send you some new face creams to replace the ones he’s taken!!

You said you didn’t argue because he is a foot taller than you? If you are scared of him maybe call the police and they can escort you and the children to a safe place (no idea if they would do this, other mumsnetters may know)?

Let the neighbours hear him being an abusive twat. Let your dad know he's an abusive twat. Let as many people as possible know he's an abusive twat and get away from him as quickly and safely as possible.

Get rid of this utter scumbag. He is an abuser. Please divorce him.

@BeRedUser please tell your parents. Can they get on a plane?

This won’t resolve over night but you need to be able to at least speak to someone. That is where change begins. You have reached out to MN, now tell your parents.

Because keeping women pregnant and vulnerable is also a method of abuse.
I bet he has interfered with her contraption.

Abuse is the first thing that springs to mind when a woman comes on here with a big family, especially like Op big family in very quick succession. 4 kids in about 6 years. Give her a break.

How is it victim blaming to remind her that she does in fact have free will?

So sorry you’re having to deal with this. As others said - this is absolutely coercive control. I really hope you find a safe way out x

I understand this is what you’re telling yourself because you don’t feel their or your loves are being threatened.

It is an incredibly unhealthy, harmful environment for children to grow up with a volatile, controlling, abusive home life.

You're staying because you’re extremely tired, scared to leave, have no money or no family or no way to make it work. Your husband has shown he has no intention of letting your children know they have a valuable, loved, respected and capable mother so staying is not benefiting your children.

Because she doesnt have free will!!

If she did she wouldnt have been so scared that she meekly did as she was told!

Tell your dad. Ducks in a row. Leave him. You and the kids deserve so much better

HArdly helpful. The OP is clearly struggling, I dont think putting the boot in is going help.

He's a cunt. End of

I think the point here is that she's asking if this is unreasonable which means she's got to a point where she doesn't realise how unreasonable (utterly abusive) it actually is. I'm so sad for her.