DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

OP I left whilst pregnant and 3 other kids. We lived in a Travelodge and washed our plates where we washed our knickers for 3 months. But now? My girls tell me they have never, ever been prouder of me for making that decision. If I can do it with 4, you can do it! Be a warrior woman for them little ones, they need to see it.

We treated our time in emergency accommodation as a holiday, explored the different areas and new places, yes, it was stressful but it didn't last, and now we laugh about running through the rain and thunder when we got caught out, playing in the parks, and just being silly but safe.

Go to the council and apply for housing quietly, contact women's aid to provide supporting evidence. Dont tell him you're bidding, and do a moonlight flit on him if you're scared because he's bigger than you and gets aggressive. We had nothing but personal effects and women's aid provided us with what we needed.

Abuse gives you priority banding and if it's severe enough they'll have you right out of there. I have a feeling this isn't all he does if he thinks shouting at you in the street is acceptable behaviour but I could be projecting my own past.

The kids notice more than you think. Even if it isn't directed at them, which is is if they're being included in the humiliation and name calling, they'll see you scared to buy things, they'll feel your emotions, they'll be scared for you and it is affecting them at a very important stage of their development.

Sending love and warrior vibes. You got this 💕

I've been in MN for more than 15 years and this is one of the most chilling threads I've read. I hope you find a way to leave him. This won't get better

Contact woman’s aid and start making a plan to leave. As others have said this is financial abuse and control. You were entitled to spend the money for your birthday. Gingerbread single parent helpline is another go to. I have been where you are, you can do this little steps…

OP your posts are heartbreaking. You are being controlled and financially abused by a high-earning fuck who won’t even ‘let’ his wife spend her own money on face cream. He’s horrible and my heart goes out to you. Please keep posting here (while keeping your phone/device away from his eyes) as you plan your escape route, whether that is immediately or in time.

From personal experience of a child in a home where abuse was the bread and butter of my mother’s marriage (she was as abusive as he was, just to be balanced) I can honestly say that the damage done to children in that environment takes decades to recover from.

I am in my mid/late fifties and only now finally trying to unpick it and how it has shaped all my decisions, made me feel grateful and submissive in my marriage (my DH is not abusive in any way, but our marriage would be better if I had the courage to speak up, ask for my needs to be met, and value myself rather than be grateful that my DH is financially generous and does not hit me.)

It has shaped me into a fearful, hyper anxious parent; meant one of my children in particular plays me like a fiddle; and held me back from going after my personal dreams because I have been too ready to prioritise everyone else over myself in order to avoid being like my own parents. I’ve had years of eating disorders and alcohol dependency and other addictive behavours as a result, though everyone looks at me and thinks I am ‘fine’. I’m not. Every day I can still see what they did to each other, hear the hurtful things they said to each other and am ‘triggered’ by shouting, swearing and aggression, so I spend my life managing my children and others around me so that they never get cross with me, because it scares me. The fear and anxiety burrows beneath my skin whenever there is a hint of conflict.

You owe it to your children to step away now. You do not need to be the target of abuse to be damaged irreparably by it. But stepping away, modelling that you are strong enough to leave, that you love them too much to let that carry on around them, will really help them heal. And it will help you too.

Sending some of those unmumsnetty hugs in the hope that you reach out to Women’s Aid or your dad tonight and make a plan to leave or get him to leave. You can do this. You are stronger than you know.

PS give him the Garmin watch back - it’s a device he can use to track your movements.

Financially abusive, leave the bastard. Please text your DH about this so you have a written record for the divorce courts that he’s abusive.

People who are the architects of their own downfall, as he will be when you leave him, always like to paint themselves as the victim. The end of your marriage will be entirely his fault, OP, not yours.

He’s the thief, having stolen your birthday present from your dad.

Can you see how he tries to turn everything round on you? That’s abusive and incredibly cruel.

Sending you strength & support. Please start making arrangements to leave and put a CMS claim place.

You're well aware that this is abuse and you need to divorce him.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. This is financial abuse. It’s hideous and not your fault. I think you should consider your options. How awful - so sad for you.

I felt so sad reading your post and my heart goes out to you.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work and I would at the very least start making a plan to get out when you feel the times right. A good starting off place might be to start squirrelling some money away if you’re able to do that safely? Maybe get familiar with property prices/rent too so you can be informed of your options when the time comes. If your husband is a good earner and you have a career too, there is no reason you can’t divorce him and be able to get yourself a new home away from him. You deserve so much better than this.

I spent nearly 7 years married to my emotionally abusive and unstable ex, our divorce finalised this Spring. I spent years wanting to leave, being paralysed by fear, trying to convince myself that I could tolerate his behaviour.
I often thought to myself that I was grateful to have an otherwise happy life, and that for me my marriage was the thing in life that caused me sadness, and tried to rationalise it.
It turns out you don’t have to live in compromise though.

I am sure with young children it is practically much harder and more scary, but you are absolutely stronger and more resilient than you think you are 💕 You and your children will be so much happier away from him.

Let me be very clear with you here, you might think you are staying for the kids but you’re harming them.

Me and my brother grew up with an abusive farther. No physical violence just pretty much as described. We’ve both had mental health problems.

This environment is toxic. If not for yourself but for your kids - get out! This is so damaging.

Who are the 1% who think YABU??!! This is financial abuse. Seek advice and plan to leave him.

I actually made a MN account purely to say this: he is abusing you AND your children and I beg you to go somewhere safe. It’s not your fault and having an educated background is no protection against monsters like this. I know strong, career women who have been through this - absolutely anyone can be affected by DV. My love, he is already abusing your children. Calling their mother horrible names will make them very anxious and upset, and they will be very frightened. Children pick up on everything: tone, words, gestures, body language, everything. Please get out of there. He has taken enough.

What a cunt. Pawn your wedding ring, spend the money on creams. Give him the ticket

What, what, what, what!!!!!

Give him his shit back. Really.

And then you ask - “Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?”

Wrong question!

”Is there something wrong with my DH and more importantly with my marriage?”

Right question!

@BeRedUser your post has made me angry.

How dare he?

read that with my mouth open , no words!

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/

For the love of your children....please call them

Being educated doesn’t stop you from finding it difficult to recognise when you are in abusive relationship. Having a relationship that is sometimes positive doesn’t stop you from being in an abusive relationship. You are sadly most definitely describing domestic abuse though, which your children are also experiencing, so people are trying to help you to view it that way instead of thinking he’s simply crossed a line. Have you ever done the freedom programme?

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

It makes me sad to read this sentence after everything else you've written here! Your husband is abusive. I'm sorry you're in this situation. There are dozens of reasons why your husband is wrong in what he believes and says, perhaps there are legitimate points he wants to make and he just can't articulate them clearly. But it's pointless to sort through rights and wrongs at this stage because the way he treats you shows that he is the problem, and it's a very serious one. It doesn't matter if he has some good qualities or sometimes is nice or makes good money or used to be different or whatever, he is a danger to you now.

Please consider telling your dad, or someone else you can trust, what's going on. The suggestions/links to Women's Aid are worth pursuing too (if you're in the UK); they have heard everything and can be very useful in helping you identify practical actions you can take right now especially if you feel stuck and overwhelmed.

Clearly it’s not like that every day.

If I gave you a sandwich and said "Dont worry, its only 20% dog shit" would you eat it?

And it IS like that every day, the financial abuse is daily, it never stops.

I totally agree with this. I am shocked to the core! What an absolutely vile man. It made me shudder. Please. For sake of your poor little children who are watching their mum be belittled and abused. Please leave.

My sister’s ex was like this. He ruined every occasion just to make her feel small and useless.

It took a while but she did extricate herself, her kids are a million times happier. They were ill, plucking their hair and eyelashes out, traumatised. Don’t let it get that far.

Are you normally so passive? It sounds like he knows you are a complete pushover therefore can treat you so unkindly and disrespectfully
He knew he would get away with treating you like this. It’s time you stood your ground.

Please tell your parents what he is doing to you. They may be able to help you.

Please do this for your own sake and that of your children. You are not alone. Having read your further posts, he is not only financially abusing you, he is being emotionally abusive too. Staying in an abusive relationship will further harm you and your children . Get out now..