DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

Horrible ,abusive, controlling idiot.
I would tell your Dad about this.
And yes, divorce him. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

I feel so sad for you 😞 This is bang out of oder and to put it mildly I would tell him to get to fuck. I would pack his bags and get him out of your life . I put up with this behaviour for years before I stood up for myself and I haven’t looked back. Best decision I ever made .
Please don’t put up with this abusive behaviour. I am sure your dad will give you lots of support.

YABU in thinking you are in anyway at fault here. Your Dad sounds lovely btw and Im sure would be mortified to know his SIL in treating you this way. You should be leaving him.

Divorce the prick. Tell you dad what happened immediately!

I’m walking away from this thread now. So many comments have just enraged me with the sheer ignorance and victim blaming. I’d tell him this, I’d tell him that. So saddening.

dear OP. I feel you, I was in your shoes. Sending love. Help is there, please believe us.

Genuinely felt a bit queasy reading this. My ex once made me go and get a deposit back I’d put down on some (cosmetic) dental treatment because it was a “waste of money”. I was the only one with a job.

You will be SO much happier without him. Promise. x

Op I borrowed money for a private rental off my dgm.
A neighbour rented a van and we moved out while he was at work.

Ah, you're still in that phase.

You're not a happy couple and nobody thinks that. They pity you but mind their own business. He is not going to change. He is going to get worse. Nobody is coming to save you either, you have to do that by yourself. You need to do that to protect your children and yourself, which should always be your priority over this sad, abusive relationship with your husband.

The abuse rarely stops at the wife. If you love your children and wish to keep them, get out now. My ex was exactly like this, and when the shitshow came social services were involved because what my ex was doing was abuse. What your husband is doing is abuse. If the kids are living in the same house while he abuses you and social services find out, even if he doesn't so much as look at them, they will become involved. It won't matter how much you tell them what a great dad he is, in fact it will make it worse as everyone knows that no man is a good dad if he abuses the mother of his children.

Im not trying to project or saying it will come to that. But the path your on, it likely will. Don't let it get to that. Make the right decision.

@BeRedUser
I feel you need it clearly laid out:

Your husband is controlling and
financially abusive and
emotionally abusive.

It will not get better.

You should only put a proportionate amount toward expenses.

You are allowed to buy things for yourself.

Tell your husband to return the presents and money given to you by your father and that he can keep the god damned mask and watch.

Tell him that his behaviour is fucking vile and abusive.

Tell him he is to change his attitude and show you the bloody respect you deserve or you are going to have to make some serious decision about your future together.

Tell him he now knows how you feel and that if you take action he won't be able to say he wan't told.

Do not entertain retort after you say this. Tell him it is not up for discussion.

Tell your family what has happened so that you have support. Follow through if behaviour doesn't improve permanently.

If you do not, and allow this attitude and behaviour to continue, you will find yourself becoming smaller and smaller, expecting less and less, doubtung yourself more and more. And the contempt and resentment your husband holds toward you will become more rooted and grow.

Now, you have been told.

The only caveat is if you or your children are unsafe or feel you could be unsafe if you confront your husband. In that case leave now.

Please read this:
womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/myths/ to learn more.

He is already abusing his kids by emotionally abusing their mother in front of them. They are child abuse victims just from witnessing it. Op I don’t want to scare you. But by not protecting them and staying with him, you’re allowing this. You need to get out

Like others here my advice is to divorce him. Kick him out in the interim (I don’t subscribe to the LTB mantra if it’s him that needs to be gone and you have kids and a baby to look after… unless your father has room for you all as a temporary measure, in which case, yes, LTB.)

This is disgusting. What an absolute scum bag.

Absolutely. He’s the one that needs to leave. Life will be easier. He’ll have to pay far more, also.

The first step here is to accept that you are being abused and he is an abuser. If this incident did nothing else but convince you of this it would be worth it.

The second step is to tell someone in real life what is happening to you. Would you tell your dad exactly what happened? or do you have a close friend or sibling you could tell. Simply tell them exactly what you told us.

you have a 3 month old and 2 other very small children. Of course you aren't going to be able to just walk out the door today. But you can plan to divorce. you can sort our your emotions and finances and internally get yourself ready to live free of this absolute fucker. Your feelings about him are right. he is abusing you and you don't need to live like this. And telling someone in real life will make it easier for you to plan.

And he didn't take that stuff because he is worried about money. He took that stuff to hurt you.

Exactly, many think that if he doesn't do anything to them directly then it is not abuse. Bearing witness to someone else being abused, shouting etc is in itself abuse.

I feel awful because I have been where she is now, and it scares me to know it took me so much longer than it should have to leave past that point.

Please OP. Take off the rose-tinted glasses and pull yourself into reality. What you described in the comment I quoted is the cycle of (typically narcissistic) abuse. They're normal > they make up a problem that is your fault > you crave their forgiveness and the normality again --> he forgives you for a problem that never existed in the first place. You become addicted to the feeling of going back to normal. Its a tragic existence.

Get out.

please give women's aid a call they can talk you through the options they will find you somewhere safe,you don't have to tolerate this level of abuse you deserve so much better,disgusting man!

Can you move in with your dad?

You need to siphon some money off and build your escape fund.

Your children are being abused and you think it's OK to stay?

Put your children first and have him removed. He is using coercive control and financial abuse to belittle and abuse you.

Sweetheart, he is already abusing your children. Telling them mum is a thief and a liar is emotional abuse.

Please dont think I point this out to be unkind, simply that people often stay for the kids when it isnt in their interests.

This man us evil, you need to find a way out

Just so we’re clear, he’s abusing your kids by abusing you in front of them. If you can’t leave for yourself (and you should), then leave to show them they’re worth better than that kind of life. Growing up in an environment like that does lifelong damage. Staying isn’t equivalent to doing nothing in this case: it’s enabling their abuse. You have a loving dad. That’s not nothing by any means. Go to him for help.

Definitely divorce him. It’s economic abuse and emotional abuse

Yes, divorce him.

This.
Leave. It won’t get any better.