AIBU to take a 1-year affair that ended this summer to the grave?

[MarbleCreamCoconut]

I know I am going to get absolutely battered for this, and I deserve it. Please just give it to me straight because I am completely lost.

Some context: DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 5. We have two beautiful DC (10 and 3).

For a long time, our marriage was in a really bad place. We were disconnected, arguing constantly, and I felt completely invisible. During this time, I did the unforgivable. I had a year-long affair with another man.

Toward the end of the affair, things with DH actually started getting better. The atmosphere at home was lifting, we were communicating more, and I had already decided I was going to end the affair anyway because I wanted to focus on my marriage.

It ended completely this summer, about two months ago, when his wife got a new job opportunity and they relocated to Manchester. He has cut all contact and moved on.

Since it ended, DH and I have continued getting on so much better. It feels like we are finally finding our way back to each other. I know 100% that I will never, ever cheat again. The guilt is eating me alive, but the madness is over.

Here is the thing: there is absolutely zero chance of DH ever finding out from anyone else. The lover is gone, there are no mutual friends, and all digital tracks are completely wiped.I am stuck in an agonizing loop.

YABU
Do I tell him the truth, destroy his world, and break up our kids' home, or do I leave the marriage quietly without telling him why?

YANBU
Or do I keep my mouth shut, carry the guilt to my grave, and focus every ounce of my energy on being the best wife and mother I can be?

"...finding our way back to each other..."

Vom.

I love the way these fuckers only ever feel hideous guilt towards their partner and kids once it's all over with

Quite. Imagine spending your whole life living a lie. Imagine tricking someone else into unwittingly staying in what they believed was a faithful marriage. What a grim secret to carry your death bed

Relationships can be rebuilt, if both partners want it badly enough.

People make mistakes, no one is perfect, and the OP isn't pretending to be.
My advice was don't confess. If she is genuinely regretful and wants to make a go of her marriage, which involves children, the price she will pay is guilt.

But she can move forwards, and the marriage can be saved, imo.

Once they get dumped you mean? The affair ended this summer (we're still in summer technically) when he took his magic penis to Manchester. If he hadn't done that she'd probably still be sat on it. I've decided this thread is unlikely especially working all this cheating round caring for a 3 year old, but I'm disturbed by the number of people who think it's okay and would lie. Eye opening.

It should be about OP's husband, not OP. He has the right to know because it should be up to him to decide what he wants to do, it is not only wrong that OP has cheated on him but it's also wrong that OP feels like it is her choice if the marriage should continue or not.

There's no point rebuilding a marriage based on a lie. And it's completely unethical and abusive to the unwitting spouse. They should be free to make an informed choice whether they wish to rebuild the relationship

I know, I can't even imagine having the energy to conduct an affair when I was parenting a three year old.
Imagine choosing sleazy hotel rooms over time with your small child.

I doubt it is true for that reason but it's astonishing how many people are unapologetic liars. How many people would make a fool of their spouse by allowing them to live that lie for their whole life

if both partners want it badly enough.

Well, exactly.

A marriage can't be rebuilt when it is based on a lie.

Bottom line is its up to you.
You say there is zero chance of your DH finding out but i dont think thats ever the case. Because your affair man may have told someone else or his wife may find out,if one person knows the truth it is not impossible the truth will out.
People are different in the wanting to know the truth or not.
Personally i would not want to be deceived ,the distorting of my perception of reality would be a breach of trust that would be worse than the affair.
Some people are of the opinion that what i dont know doesnt hurt me.

Bless you. But clearly not, because it can only be about the person who has he ability to make a decision in this case. You seem very in favour of pain, which is easy when it's not yours.

And if they are regaining their happiness now the affair is over, confessing would bring her husband heartbreak, possible divorce, and 2 young kids having their whole lives disrupted.

I'm not the one in favour of pain here. OP is the one who cheated in the first place.

But it isn't true happiness because it is based on a lie.

It's a shame OP didn't think about her husbands heartbreak or disrupting her kids lives when she was busy shagging someone else for an entire year.

I agree, when asomeone has a partner and they built a family together, that person should come before any affair.
In an ideal world, if everyone took their marriage vows seriously, and if they had morals to always do the right thing, there would be no question to answer.

However, people are flawed; she can't undo what has been done, she is sorry, she loves her husband and family, and she doesn't want to add more suffering.

She has a choice, I have said what my advice would be.

There will be a hell of a lot of people in marriages with lies this big.

These threads never fail to bring out the high horse riders.

Only pain will come from saying anything.

The guilt is your cross to bare. Your price.

I'm sorry but there's flawed and there's making the choice to have an affair for a year.

She doesn't want her marriage to end. That's what it comes down to, I find it hard to believe she suddenly cares about her husband's feelings now. I don't buy that she's trying to put him first by continuing to lie to him.

We agree her having the affair was wrong, and she doesn't want her marriage to end.

We differ because I can well believe she loves her husband and cares about his feelings. I can well believe she doesn't want to see her marriage end, not only for herself, but for him, and maybe more importantly, to keep their family together.

My advice (if it's a genuine question, I note she hasn't been back) for her, and for anyone else in the same situation, is that a marriage doesn't have to come crashing down because they unloaded their guilt when they thought they were doing the right thing by confessing all.

I’m sceptical of the level of guilt and that being a heavy price.
Not telling is the coward’s choice. It’s the dishonest choice. As is cheating.

Your marriage is a lie and you should’ve ended it long time ago.

We differ because I don't believe she has the right to make that choice. If she wants to work on her marriage, it needs to be honest without hiding something incredibly major and living a lie.

Her husband also not only deserves to know but has the right to decide if he wants to work on the marriage or if he wants to end things. He should get a say and OP shouldn't decide for him. Not after what she has already done, it isn't fair.

It's certainly not fair, but often life is unfair.

I would advise her to limit the damage, keep quiet and live with the guilt.
Your way is the righteous way but will cause more heartache.

The OP will have to decide which option she takes.

She's only "sorry" because the bloke's pissed off to Manchester and cut all contact. "Doesn't want to add more suffering" my arse. The fucking hypocrisy of that take.

If things had been bad with the marriage for some time, maybe DH was having an affair at that time and as it ended he turned to his wife, which coincided with the end of her affair.

You obviously have more insight into the mind of the opening poster than I do.
I am just going off what she has written.