Was she right to expect dinner?

[openmouth]

I had a friend over the other day we are both mid 20s she is actually a good friend from school but we don’t get to see each other as much as we went to different uni and different areas and so when we have got together it’s usually been a night out rather than to the flat which I’ve only recently moved to.
Anyway I invited her over for 4:30 and she came and I offered some snacks and wine and she said no I will wait until after dinner and laughed or it will go straight to my head.

I hadn’t said anything about dinner so I was surprised when she asked what we were having but it wasn’t a problem I just made a quick tuna salad and offered a jacket potato but she was fine with just the salad and enjoyed it.
She is absolutely not the cheeky sort so it was obviously just misunderstanding but it just got me thinking do people usually assume dinner if they are invited over that time as I was just thinking wine and catch up but she did stay until about 8 so it worked having eaten.
I know we should have communicated better but it wouldn’t have occurred to me to mention it as I had only meant for drinks and hadn’t intended to serve a meal, not that I minded but don’t usually host dinner
She did bring wine and I know her well enough to know she would cringe if she knew it was a mix up.

Would totally depend how the invite was phrased. If you said come at half four for a cuppa and a catch up I wouldn’t expect food. But if I was invited for wine and was going to be staying a few hours I would expect to eat. We’re quite upfront with each other though so me and my friends would either say ‘oh I’ll do food’ or say they can’t be bothered cooking and suggest a take away.

I think I'd only assume dinner would be cooked for me if it was mentioned. When in my 20s.

But if I was still there by about 8pm I'd probably be suggesting we get dinner. Not that she cooks, just ready meal or takeaway or go to a local fast food place.

I think as a host I'd probably feel obliged to supply a meal now I'm older. But in my 20s just drinks and snacks could sometimes be fine.

Are you in your 20s?

peak Mumsnet. Why is it not appropriate to bring wine as a gift at 430pm? Why is it tone deaf? Jesus Christ. The pearl clutching. I’m sorry you have such issues with alcohol to the extent you can’t see that gifting alcohol is acceptable in circumstances that the OP has outlined. Stop projecting.

I think you always have to say. At that time if it is someone local it could be for a cup of tea, or for wine and nibbles (though slightly early for that). Unlikely to be for dinner unless you've explicitly said. If it's someone who has come a long way then I guess they might think they are getting dinner. But I think, regardless, you always have to be clear - I'd always say come at X for Y. Not just come at X.

No, if someone invited me at 7pm then I would be expecting dinner. I'd certainly clarify it it wasn't clear. At 4.30pm I wouldn't, unless I had travelled a long way

I’d just show up and drink however much wine was offered until you began making noises which indicated either way that you wanted me to fuck off or that you were thinking about feeding us both. I’m pretty easygoing. But I’d also assume that if a good friend I don’t see often invited me over at 4:30, we’d be spending the evening together, because that’s how it is with my friends. You handled it fine, nothing fancy was expected, just some dinner.

Whereas we normally eat dinner about 8. That's the problem, people have very different habits and expectations. Though with friends you see often you will probably know.

I wouldn't expect to drink wine before dinner, so if invited round at 4.30 with wine being the plan, I'd assume we'd be eating. Nowadays as an old fogey, that would be a proper dinner, but in my 20s it'd probably have been an oven pizza, a garlic bread and a bag of preprepped salad.

Surely nobody invites someone at 4.30 for dinner?

I would have assumed cake and coffee at that time.

But I tend to eat dinner around 8-8.30 so maybe I'm not the best judge.

Hey, what's wrong with that on the odd occasion? I'm not in my 20's but sometimes needs must, and a chilled night is fun!

These people know each other. And obviously the guest had no intention of drinking it in the afternoon.

It's not others " responsibility" to deal with people's dad's and lifestyle choices. If you want to go teetotal go ahead,as example nothing to do with me and not my issue

I haven’t voted as I don’t think either of you were unreasonable in your thoughts really, that’s why it’s important to be clear in your invitation.

A lot of people don’t have their evening meal til around 8.00 but looking back, my grandparents would have had 12.00 lunch and evening meal at 5, as would my in-laws. My parents just slightly later. My eating times are all over the place.

I think if I was arranging a meeting without food I’d do it more mid-afternoon and specify tea/coffee and cake. To meet at 4.30 I would probably say for an early tea (tea being the evening meal).

IMO 4.30 seems like an odd time.

I would have asked if we were eating and how much.

4.30 is not snacks and wine time.

It's a cup of tea and a cake time, followed by dinner a few hours later.

How far did she come /what was her journey time?

What were you expecting? Arrive 4.30, leave 6.30 ? That would be a very short visit for someone you hadn't seen for a while.

How long would it take her to get home? So if she left at 6.30/7 and arrived home around 7.30, she would then have to get herself dinner (and probably be a bit miffed about it)

I think YABU unless you said 'pop round for a cup of tea and a quick chat' and she only lives 5 minutes away.

I’m also an old fogey and I’d be more than happy with pizza, salad and garlic bread. I’m not sure I would want someone to be cooking a full meal for me so their attention was on the kitchen.

Why isn’t pizza, garlic bread and salad a proper dinner?

What's wrong with an oven pizza, garlic bread and salad?

when we have got together it’s usually been a night out

So when you and she socialise it's for several hours at a time, not a quick 90 minute visit.

That's where the expectation comes from, I think - she was expecting to see you for most of the evening rather than being chucked out at 6:30 because you're cooking.

Don't invite people at such odd, in-between times in future. If you mean it as a coffee and cake style visit, say so when you ask her, or pick a less ambitious time like 2:30.

Yes i would expect dinner at that time of day unless you specifically said “come over for drinks”

Blimey, I seem to have upset people. It's just oven pizza, garlic bread and preprepped salad is low effort basic dinner as opposed to fancy, pull all the stops out dinner party food which I'd do if I'd specifically "invited someone for dinner". I wouldn't really invite someone round for oven pizza now, but would have done in my 20s.

I wouldn't necessarily expect to be given dinner at that time, unless my friend said she is cooking. So I would have eaten beforehand.

I would plan to feed someone if I had someone over at that time, but I would tell them I'm cooking and ask if they have any likes/dislikes.

People are so obsessed with food nowadays. I wouldn't expect a meal unless I'd been invited for a meal.

Yes I would have expected an evening meal unless you had specifically mentioned that there would be no food.

Agreed. Eyeballing dm in my mind. She is obsessed with 3 meals a day and snacks. I'm always prepared to make a meal as she'll expect one.
Funnily enough though, she isn't quite so regimented when we visit her, and waits until we've gone! 🤔

God if dm misses a meal you'd think the world was over. I tend to eat when I'm hungry which seems unpopular for a lot of people.

This is an interesting one! I probably wouldn't expect to come over for wine at 4:30 and it not lead to food. If you were expecting her to leave by 6 then the wine angle seems a bit strange. Basically if there is wine I'd be settling in for a good few hours ...