Was she right to expect dinner?

[openmouth]

I had a friend over the other day we are both mid 20s she is actually a good friend from school but we don’t get to see each other as much as we went to different uni and different areas and so when we have got together it’s usually been a night out rather than to the flat which I’ve only recently moved to.
Anyway I invited her over for 4:30 and she came and I offered some snacks and wine and she said no I will wait until after dinner and laughed or it will go straight to my head.

I hadn’t said anything about dinner so I was surprised when she asked what we were having but it wasn’t a problem I just made a quick tuna salad and offered a jacket potato but she was fine with just the salad and enjoyed it.
She is absolutely not the cheeky sort so it was obviously just misunderstanding but it just got me thinking do people usually assume dinner if they are invited over that time as I was just thinking wine and catch up but she did stay until about 8 so it worked having eaten.
I know we should have communicated better but it wouldn’t have occurred to me to mention it as I had only meant for drinks and hadn’t intended to serve a meal, not that I minded but don’t usually host dinner
She did bring wine and I know her well enough to know she would cringe if she knew it was a mix up.

Why would you offer wine ar 4.30 without dinner? Yabu op. If you wanted just drinks then you invite around 7pm onwards not the middle of the day?

Unless she was staying half an hour or so, yes, I would've thought it would be dinner plans. 4.30pm is going into planning meal time territory. 4.30pm is a really strange time to invite someone over for drinks otherwise?

Depends how it was phrased etc, but 4.30 is a weird time for a visit.

4.30 is a bit unclear but generally any invite from 4pm I’d assume includes food unless explicit otherwise

Drinks at 4:30 is a slightly awkward time but yes, I think I would expect dinner later on.

I'm always really clear whether I'm offering a meal or not.

Eg "Would you like to come round after lunch? I'll be free from 1.30 onwards."

If I invited someone round at 4.30, I would expect to feed them. I usually eat around 5.30/6pm.

If it's an old friend you see infrequently and you normally meet for nights out, I think it's reasonable to assume that you would be having a good catchup and would be more than an hour or two i.e. there would be dinner. I'm sure you could have suggested getting a takeaway and that would have been fine if youj'd not wanted to cook.

If it's someone you see a lot who lives close by I'd assume it would be a cup of tea and quick chat.

her bringing wine and OP offering wine makes it sound like one of those friendships that only works if its lubricated with alcohol because otherwise they can't communicate with each other

Well seeing as your first thought (in your first post) was that bringing a bottle of wine indicates an alcoholic problem, it's obvious you're very concerned about alcohol consumption full stop.

I have been sober for 4 years because I definitely do have an alcohol dependence issue, but I have many friends who might have a drink with old friends in the afternoon who do not.

@openmouth I think you handled it well by providing food, but we've all learnt here that invites for this time of day are ambiguous and catering needs to be clarified in advance.

What was your intention? That she would go home for dinner at 6pm ?

In your mid-20s (and with no kids ?) I would think drinks, snacks, dinner, possibly takeaway.

4.30 is an odd time to invite someone unless there is a specific reason for it to be that time.

4.30pm is a bit early for wine. It's not even 5 o'clock!

But yeah if you said 'come over tonight, arrive about 4.30pm', I would be expecting to be fed. Unless you clarified 'pop over for an hour or two' in which case I probably wouldn't. And most people (I'd hope) wouldn't expect wine then either.

Strange on your behalf.

Maybe you could explain why you chose mid afternoon for wine without much food? I’m puzzled, and wouldn't be into that.

That would be tea and cake time for me. We have dinner between 730 and 8.

I'd always expect food when invited to someones house, it's part of the hospitality socially expected.

As others have said though, 4.30 is a really odd time to have people round for anything really - other than a kids tea party.

Unless the visit was meant to be under an hour, I absolutely would expect that was a dinner invitation.

People also eat dinner at different times. If the friend is an early diner, say around 6pm, she'd be more likely to assume it was a dinner invitation - as a normal length visit would see her still there at what she sees as dinner time. That's why it's important to be clear about what is planned/expected.

I wouldn't expect dinner unless the inviter said "come to dinner"

Yes 4.30 is early for dinner but a two hour meeting is odd for people who don't see each other that much. If a good friend who I hadn't seen much invited me over at 4.30 I think I would assume I would be staying longer than two hours and thus that dinner would be involved.

I had a neighbour who used to invite me over at that time. She would then open a bottle of wine and sometimes some snacks, sometimes not. I never knew when I was supposed to leave and I don’t like drinking that early but it felt rude to decline the invitation. Make it clear what you are inviting people for is my advice.

I wouldn’t expect dinner at 430 no. I wouldn’t expect it unless the person invited me over for dinner tbh!

If you weren't planning to provide dinner, what was your plan when 6-6.30 rolled around? Were you just going to kick her out?

No. But how did you word the invite? ‘Hey Anne haven’t seen you for ages come for some tea at 4.30’? If you just said ‘come over at 4.30’ I would not expect a meal as two hours is max for a casual visit and it seems pretty clear that is before dinner time. I eat around 7, and if having company I’d eat a bit later, so would invite 7 for 7.30 dinner. But I would expect some tea and maybe a cake.
I’m going to see my FIL this weekend and said I’ll be there at 2-2.15pm, clearly after lunch, so would not expect any food beyond a biscuit.

Unless you specified a very quick catch up I would probably expect dinner yes.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable! 4.30 is a tricky time, but clearly she thought she would be staying later into the evening (and she did!) so assumed there would be proper food (and there was!)
She definitely wasn't being cheeky, but neither were you in assuming nibbles would be all you had. Just a misunderstanding that you resolved kindly and well 🙂

If an old friend who I scarcely saw and who lived in a different area invited me round for a casual visit for a maximum of 2 hours, I don't think I would bother going.

Yes 4.30 i would expect a meal