AIBU to be upset that husband wants to go out on my birthday without me

[ThisDreamyTealBear]

So as the title says I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable by being upset, it’s my birthday on Saturday and we had planned to go for lunch with my brother in law and his partner and our little boy(5) then back to ours for drinks and a chilled evening, hubby comes homes tonight and says ‘oh I’ve been invited out for drinks with the lads from work on Saturday night I said I’d check with you’, he isn’t sociable at all and very rarely goes out(not through lack of me trying to get him to socialise!!) and normally I wouldn’t care he can do what he likes but it actually really hurt that his immediate thought wasnt he wanted to spend time with me and that we had plans, his thoughts were getting the ok to go out, I tried to talk to him about why it upset me and he basically told me to shut up going on about it so now he’s gone off to bed and I’m left thinking I’ll just go and do something with my little boy instead, I know I’m sensitive at the best of times but am I being unreasonable?

Getting upset that your partner has

• shat all over your birthday plans that he agree to
• doesn't actually want to spend quality time with you on your birthday
• tells you to stop banging on about it when you want to share your feelings

...is a completely normal way to feel, as he has acted like he doesn't care at all, and it's normal to be upset by that

Tell him how you feel. People normally make an effort for their partners' birthdays. Let him know you want to do somethign together.

Of course Yanbu. What a really horrible thing for him to do. Just so I’ve got this right - you had birthday plans which he knew about (right?) , and he wanted to switch? That is both deeply unkind, but worse, telling.

What a prick.

Surely its just a lighthearted did you forget ? weve got plans

its a bit weird that he suddenly wants to go out with work colleagues- does he fancy someone ?

not ok thst he told you to shut up either

what is his final decision ?

Did he know it’s your birthday ? And that plans were made ?

id be very angry

Of course YANBU that's awful!

I’m surprised people so far would be angry that he literally just asked the question. I’d have just said ‘no, it’s my birthday and I don’t want to chill at home by myself’ and moved on. PP suggesting he’s after another woman is pretty OTT.

I would just say we made plans with your BIL and it's my birthday and expect him to say whoops I forgot and then we'd move on. If he was expecting to cancel plans to go out with work mates and leave me at home with DS then I would be pissed off and I'd be making some plans to go out without him very soon!

But also I’ve just realised you said ‘brother in law’. So - your husbands brother? So he’s coming round for the evening and your husband wants to go out?

I think there’s some confusion from your op op!
were your bil and his partner also coming back to yours for the drinks and chilled evening? Or did you just mean you and your husband - ie, essentially nothing different to any other night?

It sounds like the two of you had plans, even though those plans were to stay in together, and therefore he should have told his workmates that he couldn't join them because he had a prior commitment. However, he may have seen the plans for your birthday as the lunch out with family, and not really included the time at home unless it was specifically discussed that that's what you'd like to do. Regardless, he told these guys he'd check with you and get back to them; he checked and you reminded him that the two of you had plans. That should be the end of it. If it was really important to him to go out then the two of you could have discussed it further, but he'd need to be clear and honest about wanting to break your plans/disappoint you in order to go.

You say he basically told me to shut up going on about it which sounds awful, and if he used those exact words he was out of order. But if he "remembered" your plans once you reminded him and had readily agreed to staying in as originally planned then he might have felt that it was time to end the discussion, especially if he was tired. If you're still upset about it tomorrow then he may find he has to discuss it further ... but also I'd consider whether there's a larger disconnect between the two of you over the importance of birthdays and/or how "firm" plans are between the two of you.

Is he actually going to go? I’d be furious if I was ditched for work friends on my birthday.

All the plans with the bil are in the afternoon so dh not cancelling anything just planning to go out afterwards. I would be happy enough with the early plans and relax for the night but l wouldn't be happy with his comment to shut up about it. Is he usually that rude and abrupt?

Book yourself (alone) a first class room, with dinner, at the swankiest hotel you can find for Saturday night. Pronto!
Grit your teeth about your little lad, but force yourself to infirm Mr Wonderful that this plan is happening, and it’s non-negotiable, on account of his having so easily trashed the plans you both had, therefore he must take charge of his son. (He was keen enough that you spend your birthday evening in such a way, after all.)
So there’s far less wrong with his having to be the parent staying home, isn’t there?
After all, it’s YOUR BIRTHDAY vs him getting pissed with blokes he sees every day.

Inform him of all this as a fait accompli, as he did earlier. He doesn’t get to treat you so shoddily and expect you’ll put up snd shut up.

If you're out with your kids and friends surely that'll be in the day? So do that then he can go out with workmates later. You told him you want him to socialise, and now he's arranged that, plus it can be very useful at work to have good social relationships, maybe it's unfair, but those that socialise seem to get promoted and be less likely to be sacked.
So support him, and enjoy the best of both worlds by doing your thing in the day and encouraging him to do his at night.

I don't think I'd mind. Going out during the day is the birthday thing. Chilling at home is something that's done every night by the sounds of it.

You’d still be doing something to celebrate your birthday by going out for lunch. His invitation with work friends doesn’t change that, so I think YABU. There is still plenty of time over the weekend for him to spend with you. You are not a small child that needs a fuss all
day long just because it’s your birthday.

I know some people are saying it wouldn't bother them but OP is upset by it. She told her husband why she was upset and, rather than listening to her, he told her to shut up and stop going on about it.

And they did have plans for the evening, drinks and a chilled night together after lunch. His immediate reaction to getting a better offer was to see whether he could ditch that part of their plans on her fucking birthday.

In the fucking bin with him with the rest of the rubbish OP. Let him go but make it clear his actions has consequences.

How condescending. And they did had plans for the evening, even if that was just a few drinks and chilling at home.

Whether OP wants a fuss for an hour or all fucking day, it's her birthday and you would think that her husband would want to spend it with her.

ETA: God forbid a grown woman wants to feel a wee bit fucking special one day a year

Yanbu, sounds like he doesn't consider you very much

Oh ffs. Tell him to fuck the fuck off and start thinking about his wife and the mother of his kids. Sick to fucking death of these men that think the wife should stay at home whilst they do whatever they want

Tell him he cannot go as you have made plans to go out with your friends, so he needs to babysit.

Id have the hump too. I’d be wondering why he doesn’t want to spend the evening with me and his DC, and where that leaves our marriage. For me, once you have children the weekend is family time and the week is for work socials.

Here is my idea, he can stay home and babysit and you go out and “socialise”.