AIBU to be upset that husband wants to go out on my birthday without me

[ThisDreamyTealBear]

So as the title says I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable by being upset, it’s my birthday on Saturday and we had planned to go for lunch with my brother in law and his partner and our little boy(5) then back to ours for drinks and a chilled evening, hubby comes homes tonight and says ‘oh I’ve been invited out for drinks with the lads from work on Saturday night I said I’d check with you’, he isn’t sociable at all and very rarely goes out(not through lack of me trying to get him to socialise!!) and normally I wouldn’t care he can do what he likes but it actually really hurt that his immediate thought wasnt he wanted to spend time with me and that we had plans, his thoughts were getting the ok to go out, I tried to talk to him about why it upset me and he basically told me to shut up going on about it so now he’s gone off to bed and I’m left thinking I’ll just go and do something with my little boy instead, I know I’m sensitive at the best of times but am I being unreasonable?

Give over we call each other hubby and wifey we’re even stored in each others phone as such - absolutely no revenge at all

He genuinely doesn’t, we’ve been together a long time and been through a lot and never speak to each other like this - I’m hoping it a one off

If be very hurt if DH preferred to go out with colleagues than me on my birthday. I'd be disappointed if he hadn't booked to take me out somewhere nice for dinner tbh.

Thank you for everyone’s comments, I was pretty emotional when I posted this but much calmer now
to clarify our plans had been set for a while which is why I was upset otherwise I would have no issue in him going out
it is purely coincidence that it’s this weekend his work are going out
for the comments about if he fancies someone - no I am certain he doesn’t we have been together 16 going on 17 years and have no concerns about cheating etc on either part
the comments about we’d have all weekend - I have a job that works every Sunday and unfortunately couldn’t get this Sunday off due to low staffing and me having to watch over 3 teams
thank you for those understanding why I was upset, I think I was just looking forward to a full day with those close to me it doesn’t happen very often and with his shift patterns we get very little time together during the week, I don’t think he meant to upset me I think he was just a bit oblivious to how much it meant to me, once we sit down tomorrow when he gets home from work and talk I’m sure everything will be ok

@ThisDreamyTealBear zero excuse, but could he be somehow, covering for his brother (escaping from his partner's 6 kids)?

This could genuinely be the case, the kids are all more like young adults apart from one but currently 5 of them plus a baby live at home so it’s a full house and I know his brother gets stressed with it(none of the kids are his)

I think I’d have to sit him down and ask him what the fuck that was about? Did he forget you were his partner and the mother of his child? Because you don’t talk to him like that and you won’t tolerate being spoken to like that by him, especially when he’s just announced he’s fucking you off on your birthday to go to the pub with his work mates. Shut that crap down right now, because if you let him get away with it, it won’t be long before it’s a regular thing.

I absolutely agree he’s always known that my stance is I am with him because I love him and want to be not because I need to be, I will never tolerate anything I don’t deserve nor should he

You don’t think it’s possible for someone to get feelings for someone else or cheat once they have been in a relationship for 16+ years? 🤔

She did, he told her to stop banging on about it.

OP, he's totally sucked the fun out of it now, you may feel if he comes with you it's under sufferance. I'd change my plans and go out in the eve, he can look after kids.

And your reaction is totally normal. Please don't accept him telling you otherwise because it suits him.

🙄

I never said it wasn’t possible I’ve seen it happened but not in this instance, having an annoyingly planned night out with the lads doesn’t equate to cheating, other than this annoyingly planned night he has never given any indication, when not at work he’s at home, if anything I’m the one trying to get him to socialise, so no I have no concerns of cheating

Why would they stay over if they live close enough that the brothers work together? Shit of both of them towards both you and BILs partner!

Could you invite some friends to join you for a girl's night in if they do go?

It's odd behaviour. So he rarely goes out but suddenly decides to go out on the night it is your birthday ? Are you sure he's not trying to avoid the other people who are coming over ? I think it's rude. Im not normally a vindictive person but in this case I think you should teach him a bloody good lesson. Wait til you have something arranged that is important to him and then let him down. See how he likes it.

So why, suddenly, is he being such a dickhead?

A sudden change of behaviour and treating you like shit is very odd. And yes, could indicate there's a woman somewhere in the picture that he fancies seeing again.

There’s 8 people in total in a 3 bed house at his brothers sometimes they like a break from the chaos

So final update, he’s called me this morning from work - as some suspected it was more to do with his brother, turns out things aren’t as rosey as they appear between the brother and his partner so as soon as the work guys suggested a night out his brother got in his ear about going because he wanted to get away from her for a bit and telling him I wouldn’t mind, he’s told the work guys he isn’t going out on Saturday as we have plans but they are arranging a night out for later in the month, he’s apologised for how he spoke to me and we’ve agreed that we need to make sure communication is better and also that his brother needs to deal with his own relationship problems

Yeah that makes sense. He was coming under pressure from his brother so he projected that onto you.

He kind of ruined the birthday vibe a bit by being so thoughtless and uncaring.

Oh. So he was just being a complete dickhead to you then. His response to his brother should obviously have been "No, can't do that, wife's birthday" or if his brother begged and pleaded his next move was to call you and explain why he was dumping you on your birthday.

And "communication" doesn't have to be better, he has to never speak to you like that again or treat you like shit again. He has to be better.

He has behaved like an absolute tosser and begrudgingly is doing what he should always have been doing in the first place. It's better than the plan he had to leave you sitting at home, but really what a nasty way to behave.