I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

[Gemitf]

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

You did a bad thing and got away with it (luckily). Take it to your grave and don’t be so vindictive. The rage will soon pass and you’ll be glad you didn’t set fire to everyone’s lives.

So he wants to be friends but wants to only fuck his wife. Sounds like he prefers sex with her so I’d leave them to it. I’m sure the truth will come out one day.

Your husband deserves to know though if you are genuinely sorry for what you’ve done.

Yep. It just becomes an emotional affair, still involving secrecy and lying.
OP, apart from anything else, how do you know he’s gone back to a happy family?
I bet his wife knows something is up.
Sort out your own relationship first, whatever that looks like.

Probably best she does finish with the poor man then if she's not genuinely wanting to commit to making it work. Which you're right, it doesn't sound like if she's still scheming to keep affair guy in her life.

Also because of good old sexism.

You’ll be the whore the homewrecker.

If they stay together you’ll of been the temptress throwing her sleazy self at him till he just gave in the poor poor man with no control over his penis obviously.

Then he was only saying nice things so you didn’t spill the beans. He was just trying to protect his family after your crazy woman sexual throwing your self at him stuff. as proven by him trying to row it back to no sex just friends please.

The mums won’t talk to you other than to find the gossip. Their partners definitely won’t be allowed to talk to you.

Playdates will dry up for your children because who wants to open the door for the homewrecker getting close to their family.

It will certainly entertain the staff room though.

Of course you should not tell her.

And neither should you have any truck with the horrible suggestion to tell her anonymously - that has all the vengeance, jealousy etc but none of the courage so your moral score drops even lower.

Show yourself that you have some moral fibre left. Say No to the coffees the lunches, bock him on every communication.

Focus on your marriage, find respect for your DH.

And thus avoid things being even worse at the school gate. Can you imagine how things will be at school if all this comes out? She might have as few moral boundaries as you and slap you in front of your kids. Or at the very least tell everyone else connected with the school.

Imagine that!

I see - he did not leave her for you, as you expected, so now you will organise a shit storm?

exactly this! Start with a counsellor and work through it all before you take any further action.

I highly doubt you're the only one he's messaging...

Go to counselling. Work on yourself. You have to look your children in the eye and answer to them if you blow up two marriages. You are their model for how someone should behave and conduct themself, so do better!

What’s the point in doing it anonymously, as soon as she hears she’ll want to know who with and it’ll all come back to you anyway.
I’ve seen it happen at my sons school it will all blow up, it’ll affect both lots of kids, it’ll follow them around for the rest of their school lives with you all being gossiped about.
Do you really want to do that to your children?

You'll make yourself look like a ridiculous maniac if you tell her (and if you do it anonymously even more so since it will still very obviously be you)

Get off your high horse and either fix your marriage or leave it

Did he spin you the line that he was going to leave her? They rarely do. I get the urge to want to tell her if your husband knew as you feel your AP should be accountable as you but right now you have to ask yourself if it is worth blowing two families apart over. If you’re unhappy with your husband you can choose to leave.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Do you FUCK want this woman to know the truth “for her own good”.

You didn’t give a shit about her when you were shagging her husband did you? 🤢

You only want to tell her to destroy her family because your are JEALOUS. You want someone else to suffer to feel less guilty and to feel a bit better about yourself.

Get therapy. Divorce your husband. Suffer the consequences of your own shitty behaviour.

And if you do let her know, grow some balls and tell her yourself not “anonymously” you cowardly piece of shit.

Agree. If you push him to tell his wife he's not going to come running to you. He wants her , not you. Accept it and move on.

You want to tell him because you hope his wife throws him out and he will be with you. He could tell you were getting too attached so he's ended the physical side but will keep you sweet with messages to 1. Limit the chance of you exposing him and 2. Giving him a back up in case his wife did find out.

Make your own choices about your marriage but don't destroy his it won't make you feel any better and you still won't be together

@Gemitf
every minute every second you spent with this man or thinking about this man is time your not spending with your children and husband

even this thread is time your taking away from your family

Indeed it takes 2. He’s fucked up his children’s lives and she’s fucked up her children’s lives. But ultimately if it hadn’t been her it would have been another woman and he may well have done this before. He certainly won’t stop if his wife doesn’t find out.

DW needs to know regardless of OP’s initial motives.

What you really want is for him to leave his wife for you but I guarantee you this won’t happen. He will likely have done this before. You need to go no contact, if he’s a work colleague you need to look for a different department/job or he does.

Woah... are you really suggesting blowing up both your marriages because you want to spit your dummy out.

So 1. Living dishonesty didnt bother you while you were cheating. If now its over and you feel guilty, GOOD. You should. You arent telling DP because he deserves honesty. You are telling him to ease your burden. So tell him or dont but dont kid yourself its for your marriage it isnt

1. You and AP went into this knowing what you were doing and who you were hurting. Him getting away with it is what you planned all along.

1. This is exactly what you bargained for. You got what you deserved and honestly I dont think if you do drop him in it its because he deserves it or his wife deserves to know its because you want to hurt him

And I think you need to leave it alone and focus on yourself and whatever you're doing with your marriage

I can't believe people go round looking for trouble if this is true.

What about the fallout, what if things turn nasty,what about he children?
Peace of mind is important. Stay sngry but don't do anything. Actions have consequences.

Surely most people go into an affair just for a bit of fun and no strings sex with someone new. He did that, but seems you didn’t. Why have an affair with someone already married? You reap what you sow. It would be vindictive and cruel to tell his wife. She’ll find out in time, as I’m pretty sure this isn’t the first time, and after the next couple of flings he’ll probably have forgotten your name…

OP has been fucking someone’s DH and she needs to own up to both her DH and his DW - so DW knows what kind if man she’s married to and get straight answers that she is highly unlikely to get from her DH.

Anyone on here whose DH was having an affair would much rather know, regardless of OW’s initial motivation, than continue to risk their sexual health and waste their life on a cheating scumbag.

I kinda know how you feel OP. I had a friend who came onto me while he was with his gf. His new gf was stunning and lovely, and he continued to try to get with me until I ignored him (we were both in relationships). Then he moved on/ignored me and I had this huge urge to tell her how inappropriate her DP was, how he had tried it on with me while with her, and also with other women! Then once the feelings passed I realised I was angry he was no longer interested, but at the time I was consumed that telling her would be the right thing to do/he was being unfair to her.

Maybe she did deserve to know that her DP is a bit of a shit. But my motivations weren't pure and now, looking back, I'm so pleased I said nothing.

Your punishment is NOT sharing. It's the most important thing you can do.

Your AP's wife does not want to hear from you in person or anonymously. Keep your mouth shut. Do not respond to any messages from your AP. He'll cotton on soon enough.

Absolutely do NOT say anything to your AP's wife. The least you can do is avoid exploding her world. Perhaps she knows anyway and is trying to cling on quietly and let him come back to her. It's sad for you but if he's realised how green his grass is, PLEASE let him!!

The price for your affair is being strong enough to keep your mouth shut. Find a counsellor if you really must talk about it but don't pull out all the pins in everyone else's lives.

If you have a good DH, start rebuilding your marriage without telling your him - leave him some dignity - so that it does not wreck your children's lives. If you want to leave him, fine but don't drag everyone else down with you by telling him. Just stick with, 'I need a change' or 'It's not you, it's me' and repeat.

He ended it and you angry about it. Honestly blowing it open will just mean you get labelled a scarlet woman. It may not have the consequences you think it will. Personally I think people have a right to know what kind of dick they married but don’t assume this will be anything positive for you.