I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

[Gemitf]

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

No, don't tell her. And if you want to keep your marriage don't tell your husband either. Get over it, he already has. Don't throw your life away for anger and revenge.

OP, he likely found another woman to focus on.

He is keeping you tethered just in case this new one doesn’t work out and he can quickly hop back into a warm bed. The literary masterpieces he is sprouting is probably taken from an online resource or he is using AI tools. Why you even want anything to do with this sad excuse of a man, who knows. Terrible behaviour from both of you.

So have you been conducting a long affair with him, how long?

Dont do this.. apart from all the reasons that people have pointed out , you will make yourself a pariah locally and when you have children in same school, they will suffer by association. the kids with the scarlet lady as a mom who goes after other peoples husbands . They'll be Excluded from play dates , invites , horrible gossip at school. You might want to punish him but don't do it to your children.

I think it’s a cop out to say on here you’re a terrible and nasty person. There was clearly something very wrong with your marriage for you to have an affair. I expect you were hurt and isolated to have an affair. I would say you should recognise you are vulnerable and hurt, don’t hurt someone else and book some counselling to learn about who you behaved in this way. Look after yourself. Good luck.

Op, do you want to be with your husband? If no, leave him. Regardless of the affair its not fair to stay if you do not want to be with him and he is second choice.

Its ok to feel how you feel. Your anger is a valid feeling but you must not act on it.

Do you have funds for a therapist to help you work all this out?

Get some therapy. You need it. You need to talk through this need for revenge and to purge your soul. No good will come of you doing this.

If you were really feeling terrible about this, you’d leave your husband temporarily or otherwise, and get yourself together with the help of a therapist. You’re behaving obsessively and impulsively and fallen prey to an egotistical man who‘s got you on a string for his own ego. Your messages read quite young. Yes, you could act on these compulsions right now, but you are not thinking straight. Once you have got yourself together and have more of a handle on your feelings and see clearly what you need, you will probably regret any action you take now. You could still decide to tell your husband and the wife and some future point, but first you need clarity and straight thinking to reassert itself.
You need professional help and space and you definitely need to get away from this lying player who is going to bring your own life down around your ears. However, you seem hell bent on doing it anyway and I think you probably will, and then live to regret it. I honestly wonder why people post on here when they either insist their course of action is the right one or come to be vindicated in their belief.

You need to block him to stop him stringing you along.
if you want your marriage to survive DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND. You need to find a way to live with the guilt.
Get some counselling so you can work through why you had the affair and whether you really want to be with your husband.

Dear god don't do anything.

Cut him off. It will kill you for a short while, possibly even a long while. Let the pain it causes you be your punishment. Know that cutting things off will destroy his ego and he'll hurt too. Consider yourself lucky to get off so lightly. Exposing him only hurts you more. It will ruin your life, your husband's life and your children's life. This too shall pass, struggle through it until it does.

Just DON'T! Why ruin another marriage and damage more children?

I would want to know. I wouldn't care the reasons why you told me (i would assume its to get back at him) but I'd be glad I was told. For things like sexual health checks and the autonomy of my own life and marraige.

Have you considered that she might tell the school community about your affair with her husband? That would be justified. You are very lucky not to have been discovered already. It could get much worse. Keep quiet.

Me too. I wouldn’t care why I’d been told, I’d assume for revenge. I’d much rather know, regardless of the motivation.

I don’t believe that all these posters urging OP not to tell wouldn’t want to know themselves. Of course they would.

They’re just ordering OP not to tell as punishment as they know she wants to. It’s ultra fucked up.

I'd suggest seeking some counselling. You need to work through your emotions and to figure out what drove you to have an affair in the first place. Talking through your feelings with someone not emotionally involved might help you.

Men rarely leave their wife or long term partner for an affair partner. It's sex, excitement and an ego boost. It's not usually love or any other real feelings. Therefore it's not surprising your AP has decided to stay with his wife and end the relationship with you. It's a tale, as old as time.

You both chose to have an affair with each other. You are both equally responsible. Neither one of you put a gun to the other's head and forced the affair! Stop putting all the responsibility and blame onto your AP!! You are just as bad as him! Yet in your eyes he's the big bad wolf because he chose his wife over you!!!!! Seriously, WTAF!!

The only reason you want to tell his wife, is to punish him for picking her and not you. None of this sordid mess is his wife's fault or his children, yet you want to punish her too because he picked her!!

Keep your mouth shut. Say zilch to his wife or your husband. Seek some professional counselling for yourself. Revenge is a very short lived dish. It might make you feel better initially but it won't last. You will end up destroying two families. If you decide you don't want to be with your husband, that's your choice, but you have no reason to hurt him further by revealing the affair.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You had an affair while married with children.
He didn’t leave his wife for you and now you want to ruin his wife’s life and devastate his children .

I'll ask again what the hell is wrong with you.

Are you so morally bankrupt that you think this is in any way an acceptable idea?

Shut you mouth.
Work things out with your husband or leave him.
Put your children first for once.

And stop with the pretend self loathing - you clearly had no issue when you were having the affair .

Shame on you.

Pretty despicable that you want to implode his wife and children's lives just so you can get revenge. But you're going to do it anyway, so crack on. I hope you get what you deserve.

Come off it! Are you trying to say that OP is blameless? Hard done by, even? By the same "logic" that you're using, she has nuked her own children's lives and if it hadn't been this OM, it would have been someone else's husband. Does that make it all alright then?

What makes you so sure it would cause him any pain? Maybe you're just the latest in a long list and his wife knows about most or all of the others. Who knows, maybe she's been into his phone or something and knows about you. Maybe she decided years ago not to end her marriage over his bits on the side.

If you want to stay married, keep your mouth shut. Take responsibility for your own actions and suffer your own guilt or pain or whatever and don't try to push it onto your husband or this other man or anyone else at all.

Of course not!

Perhaps you should have thought about all this before deciding it was a good idea to shag her husband

#JustSaying

If you want to save your marriage do not tell your husband. Be a better wife and work on your problems. Living with the guilt is your punishment.

Please leave this woman alone.
You have no idea what she is going through and what she already knows.
Maybe he's done this before and knows it's happened again, and she doesn't know you were the other woman this time.
Maybe she's caring for an elderly parent or going through a rough patch with her kids and is too distracted and exhausted to spot the signs.
It is immature and vindictive to assume they are a happy, oblivious family unit based on what her pig of a husband tells you, and how she looks when you see her on the street. Maybe she is devastated and keeping going for her kids.

What you do in your own marriage is up to you. You need to focus on that instead of figuring out how you can draw blood from a woman who doesn't deserve it.

And it is abundantly clear you still have feelings for the guy you cheated with. You are handling this with real immaturity. Please consider some sessions with a therapist and get some guidance from an emotionally healthy person on not blowing up as many lives as possible because you feel like it.

agree pls don’t tell her, let it go OP, let him
go. Block now him, he’s messing with you. Just confide confidentially to a counsellor.

What’s telling your DH going to achieve? Do you want to end the marriage anyway, even if u didn’t have an affair? Or want to repair your relationship?

Imagine the messy situation at the school gates, the other mums won’t be your biggest fans. Your kids could suffer in the fallout