I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

You would not be saying that if you found out your DH had sex with your best friend.

Probably, I would have never gone back to her, not because of ego, but because I wouldn’t have wanted things to be messy.

At the very least, I wouldn’t have had the same friendship with my friend. He wouldn’t have been my best man or my son’s godfather, or anything like that.

Your wife didn't cheat on you. You broke her heart by breaking up with her. On a break your wife could sleep with whoever she pleases. You are being ridiculous to be upset by this. It happened over 20 years ago and you say yourself your wife has never given you any cause to doubt her love for you. Push this against her and you could lose her. I'd be more wondering why your friend decided to tell you after all these years. Also does his wife know? Honestly I'd say to your friend well my wife chose the better guy and laugh at him. Then put it behind you. I'd carry on with the breakfasts and BBQs especially as all of your DC are close.

I don't understand.

26 years ago, when you were all teenagers, you broke a woman's heart because you were stupid, and she fell into the arms of a friend. After a couple of months, they realised neither of them wanted a relationship, and sometimes later she forgave you for hurting her and you got back together. She didn't tell you about the fling because she was scared of losing you. He didn't tell you because it wasn't his place to. Now nearly 3 decades later, he's blurted it out ... And you're behaving in exactly the way both of them thought you would when you were all teenagers.

Seriously?

Nearly 3 decades later and you want to blow it all up? You're not in the least bit curious as to why your best friend suddenly needs to confess. You don't care about that at all. You're the victim here. No need to reflect on what you did when you were 18 because now none of it is your fault, only those two are too blame. And no need to take responsibility for a bunch of other stuff, I suspect, because they've done something much much worse. I mean, what's worse than decades of betrayal?

Keep telling yourself that story. Destroy your marriage and your friendship. You can make that choice. Mess up your kids lives and relationships. Or put your big boy pants on. Explain how shocking and hurtful this is for you. Communicate like an adult. Because dying on the hill of the moral high ground is just stupid in your 40s and will look tragic in your 50s.

You're being rather secretive yourself OP! Is there more to this?

In that case you'll have to divorce if you can't trust again.

Your wife might feel bad now but it's highly unlikely she'll put up with being made to feel like she's done something awful in the medium to long term and like she's untrustworthy.

You only found out on Friday so you may well calm down about it once you've processed it but if not the relationship is over.

You can’t date someone’s best friend and expect them not to be hurt by it.

I say that as someone who dated my exes best friend (twice!). But I wouldn’t expect my ex to not have an issue with it and get back with me if they knew. She wasn’t wrong to date the friend if it was worth it to her to give up any possible future relationship with her now husband. But she chose to do it, then deceive him so she didn’t have to face to consequences.

I would be so upset in your shoes. They haven't cheated but they have betrayed you by keeping this from you. Had they been honest about it at the beginning, you could have chosen how to handle it then. This isn't about sex. It's about the lies, the secrecy and that ruins most, if not all, trust. It's not so easy to walk away now so they took that choice away from you. Does your best friend's wife know? Apologies if you've already answered that as I haven't read the whole thread. I'd be questioning why he suddenly felt the need to relieve himself of his guilt, all these years later. I'm not sure i could ever get over this and I really feel for you.

His wife probably knew he'd make a big song and dance about what for her was probably just a couple of months of fun.

I don't think the OP is controlling,I think it's pretty controlling of the BF and wife to agree not to tell him and control the situation from then on.

That's a shock in fairness.

To me, the sex is irrelevant. You weren't together. Nobody cheated. Your wife and indded your best friend can sleep with whoever theh want to when single.

The lies of omission is the issue here. They didn't tell you that thry had someone of irrelevant, nonsensical fling when they were 18. 18, when prople are young, and stupid.
I can see why your wife didn't tell you. She was back with the man she really wanted and telling you risked that. Thete was never going to be a right time to tell you. Never.
It doesn't make it right. It does make it understandable.

Your friend telling you now is very strange. That's the piece I would want to understand.
That's not the actions of a friend guven the passage of time.

To me, if something like this can break up your marraige, then it easn't strong enough in the first place. Something that happened 26 years ago doesn't erode everything that's happened since. It doesn't, unless you let it.

Do you think it would have changed anything had you asked her at the time about sexual r'ships during the break? If she had told you, or if your friend had, what would be different?

Do you think its worth having an open chat about anything else your wife wishes to share?

Is the friends marriage in trouble and that is why he told you? Or did his wife threaten to tell your wife?

Its.odd that its out of the blue. If nothing more to it i would try not to let it eat you up/spoil the future. Counselling might help with that.

Im presuming your issue isnt about ownership/seeing your then ex as "yours" and she and your friend had no right in engaging in a consensual adult relationship. If your issue is about seeing your 'ex' as your property and she betrayed, then you are the problem. Its not great for a friend to jump into bed with a friend ex - but teenagers, decades ago, good friends since, all indicate that its best to move on from that sort of thinking now.

Why is he telling you this now? He must have known that it would upset you.

I would question his motives for telling you this. Is he happily married? Does his wife know? Are you more successful in some way? Could he have told you to deliberately unsettle you?

What happened all those years ago is nothing bad. You have taken the news very hard but would he have known that you would react this way?

Stop winding yourself up and spiralling!! You said in your original post you have had no reason to believe that your wife has ever been unfaithful to you, now you’re saying you’re not sure there wasn’t something between them after you married! You are spiralling!! And that will get you nowhere but the divorce courts!!

I assume your BF was still close to you then while sleeping with your ex girlfriend without saying anything?

This has been asked several times already but WHY DID YOUR BF TELL YOU OP?

This. Holding such a secret from your partner is wrong and untrustworthy.

I'd be suspicious the reason he wanted it kept secret was in case he wanted to restart an affair later on. He was keeping his options open maybe.

You are entitled to your feelings as they are your feelings. You are obviously experiencing a lot of jealousy right now and that's your emotional truth.
however, that's on you- not them and you are the one who needs to manage it. Getting angry with them is unreasonable. They have done nothing wrong. This was a teenage relationship decades ago when you were all single. They obviously felt at the time there was no good reason to mention it nor were they obliged to do so.

Absolutely this. It’s so controlling to control a narrative for 26 years and one that they knew would hurt him.

This thread is sheer madness.

I don’t believe for one minute that all these women would be happy if they found out after 26 years that their best friend, maid of honour, god mother to their children and their husband had slept together and unilaterally kept it from them.

But he’s a man and it’s mumsnet so…

OP I absolutely think that many of your feelings are perfectly valid and I think many of the posters on here are being very clinical and very black and white.

You need to give yourself some time and space.

Whilst they didn't cheat, they absolutely should have been forthcoming years ago with this information, considering your best friend was the person who dated your now wife.....its not like it was some random guy.

I don't think the non disclosure was necessarily to protect just themselves, but also to avoid hurting you. ....... and with their age and lack of wisdom at the time they probably thought this was for the best.

I dont feel like something else is going on necessarily - it could simply be that the guilt has been eating away for years at your best friend.

It's ok to be upset and angry as you feel a bit hoodwinked to put it very mildly!

Honestly if I found out my best friend and now husband had slept together eons ago I'd be very upset that they hadn't told me.

Can you come to terms with this? Quite possibly. But it will take time and possibly professional help.

Thinking of you!

What would you have done if you'd known at the time?

They kept this from you for 26 years, this isn't something minor. If you had known you might had made different choices. This is a serious breach of trust and you may never see you wife or friend in the same way. You need to ask yourself if you can get over this.

You keep talking about this in the perspective of wife, groomsman, godfather
When this happened, none of you knew those were the roles you were going to end up in. You were teenagers having hook ups. There was no reason to tell you. They didn't have a crystal ball.

Would you really have appreciated it if your friend or wife decided to tell you when you proposed? Before the wedding? When the kids were born? When would have been a good time?

It would have been kinder for them to leave it in the past, but your framing this with all the knowledge and perspective you have now. At the time you had dumped your girlfriend so you could shag around. She had every right to look for hook ups. So did he. If she'd dumped you, it would have been mean of him to go there, but you got rid of her!

I understand your hurt and confusion - I cannot fathom why your friend chose to tell you now - after all those years…

Were you celibate while you and your wife were split up?
I think you need some counselling together to make sense of this. Please don’t throw away many happy years as a family because of a bit of teenage drama.

What does your friend‘s wife think @jhkyg
Can you reach out to discuss? Or is she oblivious to this?

I completely get why you’re upset and I’m sorry you are dealing with this now. But I think kids can be stupid when they are young. You said you were an “idiot teenager” and broke her heart. It sounds to me when you split she felt and behaved similarly. When you got back together, she obviously wanted to make it work and the big issue would’ve been when/if to tell you. Again, at 18 likely mixed feelings of hard to find the moment to tell you and also feeling none of your business as we were on a break. Then the relationship gets more serious, you marry, you have kids etc. When to tell you? There isn’t a right time. The more time passes, the harder it gets because then there’s the additional question of why have you waited so long to tell me. It sounds to me that your friend just felt so guilty about it all that he had to tell you. Hard to say if he just told you impulsively in the moment or planned to. I hope things work positively for you all.