I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

Oh God what earthly good can come of telling you now? It is the deceit that will be hard to get over. I hope that you can take some time and have some counselling before deciding on next steps.

This is unreasonable, self centered and controlling. You have no right to intimate information about another person. They were single at the time and did nothing wrong. Not to mention this was decades ago.

Well then you need to leave her don't you. If you can never trust either of them again then that would be the adult thing to do

but judging by your posts on here, you won't do that, you'll stay and use it as a stick to beat her with forever

This is all ego. The OP is in shock because he’s used to pulling all the punches. He dumped his girlfriend at age 18 and broke her heart. One of the reasons she probably ended up sleeping with the friend is because when you are 18 and in your first heart broken situation you are far more likely to run into the nearest familiar (you could say ‘safe’) arms to help yourself feel better. I’ve lost count of the amount of my friends who did this sort of stuff between ages 16-21. The OP is pissed because he thinks he had a girl who maybe only has ever had sex with him? And now he’s learning his actions had consequences and he’s not her only lover. The fact she slept with someone who ended up being a long term friend is a red herring. They didn’t know at age 18 that their future teenage kids would be living in each others pockets. How could they have. The didn’t betray you. They protected you. Get over it.

I can see why you are struggling with this OP, but I think you should try to work through it for the sake of your marriage and friendship.

They didn't do anything wrong by having a brief relationship. And I can absolutely understand why they didn't tell you at the time, you were getting back together. Its the sort of thing that the longer it goes on, the harder it is to own up to.

Have you spoken to your friend? Why did he feel the need to tell you now? That is more worrying than anything else I feel.

People keep (deliberately?) making this about the same thing.

No one needs to know your prior relationship history unless you remain close friends with an ex. Then I think your partner does have a right to know, so they can draw their own judgments about your current friendship. Most people will then easily be able to see you are platonic friends (assuming you are) and everyone will be happy.

Secrecy around this is, by definition, suspicious. If it’s kept a secret and you find out, it will automatically lead to suspicion that maybe there was overlap or, maybe even, they have remained quiet occasional sexual partners. An element of that would be jealousy, but it’s not irrational.

And it would be very weird if you were laughing and joking about sex in marriage with your bestie, and she secretly knew exactly what sex with your husband was like. It’s just not fair to keep that secret within a friendship.

I don’t think MN is as misandrist as some think, but this thread would definitely be going very differently were the sexes reversed.

Can you explain how this was cheating? I am unable to see your pov.

At 18 this is a very common scenario and one that teenagers up and down the country are wrestling with right now, I would never judge someone that age harshly for this at all, it would be different if they were 28.

They should have told you way before now, and I can understand how you feel.

But keeping it from you is the only thing they have done wrong, there was no cheating. I think it would be an overreaction to disrupt your marriage and your friendship over this.

The past is the past, find a way to move on

It wasn't but it doesn't sound as dramatic if OP told the truth which is that he and his now wife had split up at the time so weren't in a relationship

I have replied already

Maybe your friend thought you could all swing together

All these people saying they were young kids when this happened don’t appreciate the context where for 26 years once they became adults who fully understood the repercussions of keeping this secret did NOTHING to distance themselves from each other and allowed their families to become incredibly close. It shows they had very little guilt over keeping this from him. If OP had found out about it, but knew his wife hadn’t spoked to BF in years he probably wouldn’t be feeling so strongly. They not only made a mistake at 18 years old, they continued to compound that mistake every time they attended each other’s weddings, went on holidays together, allowed their kids to become friends etc.

Why allow this for years and then confess knowing the fall out? Strange behaviour from your friend.

I do get it. You will feel cuckolded.

I imagine they had a fling, neither thinking it would lead to anything and equally did not think you and your wife would get back together.

Then you did, so they decided to say nothing (as lets be honest the odds of you still being together 26 years later were low/not thought of).

As every year passed, it would become harder to bring up.

Hurtful, and puts you in an odd position. I would think it was a misguided attempt to sheild you. But has now exploded because of the recent relevation.

Think carefully of where you want to be in 5 years time as your next steps will shape them.

I would feel really weird about it too.
I don't think they did anything 'wrong', but I'd hate that they had this secret, and I think id need to process it.
I'd try to keep it in context and remember the fact that it was such a long time ago, but I think I'd probably want to speak to a professional counsellor about it so I could talk it out with someone neutral.
I hope that it wouldn't ruin an otherwise happy and long lasting marriage, but it would definitely shake me up.

Op I'm assuming that when you got back together with your girlfriend at 18 you told her every intimate detail of what you'd been up to while you were single? Because by your logic if you didn't, you're lying, deceitful and you removed the right from her to make informed decisions about the (presumably much later) marriage.

That not relevant it’s not the fact she had sex in a break it’s the fact it’s the best friend

Have you told your wife about everyone you shagged during the 6 period you were broken up, @jhkyg ?

Presumably your 18 yo self did not break up with her in order to take a vow of chastity and live in the desert eating locusts for that time.

You need to repair the relationship with your wife, which is the one that counts here. Forget the guy - he is not a friend. He told a damaging secret to ease his conscience (or is there a more nefarious reason) - a secret that also compromised your wife, but he didn't care about that. I think that friendship is done. But your wife is your wife, you need to work through the jealousy, hurt and anger. It's going to be hard, but your marriage is more important than an ancient fling (probably it got to the point where she felt it was impossible to tell you about it).

So you are going to ruin all your lives going forward from now, because she needed a bit of comfort and affection when you dumped her? Well, when you're on your own in a grotty bedsit looking back, you'll wish you kept your mouth shut. He is the complete AH for saying anything. If there's any betrayal at all here, it is his betrayal of her secret. Grow up.

You can at 18 when your frontal lobe isn’t fully developed yet

Only relevant if he’s had sex with her best friend, maid of honour, godmother to his children, been on holiday etc etc

This is NOT about having sex during the breakup, not about cheating at that time (she wasn’t) it’s about keeping a secret that would have potentially led to him making different choices for 26 years around these relationships.

It's bonkers that so-called bestie told OP this. Was he drunk at the time?

After decades long friendship, both ex-friend and the wife must have a sense that OP is the spiralling type.

You say you're mid 40s but why do you sound like a teenager when you write?

If this is in fact real, she didn't cheat, you weren't together at the time, but yes I'd feel incredibly weird and uncomfortable finding this out about a close family friend decades later. He should have kept it to himself, what has he got to gain from confessing?

His wife is getting a lot of sympathy because 'he broke her heart' and she subsequently slept with his best friend over a period of 3 months when they were 18. So.her 'broken heart' is ok at 18 but his at 44 is not?

He is being told he has no right to be upset having found out that the woman he has been married to and his best friend for 26 years has been deceiving him. It was not a once off shag, it was a physical relationship over a 3 month period.
They lied by omission, kept a huge secret and disrespected the marriage and friendship.
If this was a woman the responses wouldn't be as dismissive.