I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

I can think of mutual acquaintances in teen friendship groups where exactly this scenario happened. As PP say - teen friend groups tend to go out with each other over time, its a very common scenario and almost inevitable if most of your teen social life is based within a community.

That doesn’t give future partners the right to your detailed past sexual history. 20+ years later as adults it certainly doesn’t give supposed adults the right to have a hissy fit over it.

What on earth would you be worried about? Comparisons?

New name, 32 posts until the age discrepancy was pointed out. Already at near 700 posts - I’m sure the PP has what they want from the thread already 🤔

OP, I’m sorry about all this.
I thibk some posters have jumped on the fact that you’ve referred to it as you wife ‘cheating’ which obviously it wasn’t as you were on a break.
YABU- it’s fine that your wife saw someone else whilst you were separated. It’s crappy it was your best friend but I think this is common when younger.
YANBU- They should have told you and didn’t because they knew it would impact on the relationship at the time. You may not have got together again. You may have drifted from your best friend due to it. Now you feel duped. You certainly wouldn’t have had him as Best Man or GodFather. I think your anger is right and I would feel the same. A best friend would tell you and I would also be suspicious of him telling you now. I would dump him as a mate. Only you know how you can make this work though.
id feel like a mug.
they would have been better never telling you than this.

I would feel betrayed and that they had treated me like a fool and that disregard of your feelings started way back when neither of them came to you and said how sorry they were that it might hurt you but they'd developed feelings for each other and were in a relationship / seeing each other.

Once that relationship ended I too wouldn't have restarted my relationship with my ex. As you said, not because of ego but it wouldn't even really have been about the messiness for me. I just wouldn't want to be with someone who'd had a brief relationship with my best friend. It wasn't a big romance, a "meant to be" because it didn't last. It was an itch they wanted to scratch. And I would see it as once they got that out of their system, it suited them for me to be back in the picture as if nothing had happened for both of them. All that aside, I just wouldn't want to be with someone who'd shagged my best friend or friends with someone who'd shagged my partner. And they took that choice away from you.

Obviously posting on any forum invites different points of view. A lot of responses are just uninformed guesses of how they might feel in the same situation. Some of which are so emotionally detached you have to wonder if they've ever had an emotional connection to anyone.

I realise none of that will help you going forward. I just wanted to balance some of the "get over it" responses you've had and perhaps show some understanding of your point of view. But I do hope you find a way through this that gives you some peace and has the least amount of impact on your children. I think that should be down to your partner and friend to work out, but that seems unlikely.

There’s no way 75% would be fine with this! I’d feel sick to my stomach. Your wife has a cheek to say it’s none of your business. A random man I’d agree but your best friend is totally different.

Though I’m not sure I believe any of this, feels like post to try to out women as being anti-men.

Yeah, there it is. This influx of new male posters coming to MN specifically to outline the sins and failings of their partners is coming from somewhere and it's far too sustained and common right now to be a coincidence. Perhaps this one is true, it's as likely and unlikely as any of the others, but there's something not in good faith about the whole thing.

Yes, this is an unusual space in that it's mostly women (or was, at least). You knew that because it's why you came here instead of any of the zillions of male oriented or evenly mixed forums available. If you chose it purely so you could complain about it reflecting its demographic, the thread isn't in good faith even if it's true. MN is not obliged to be morally perfect any more than any other space; it's only because it's perceived to be mostly female that people think it should be.

If you think it's too hateful, biased and sexist here to have any value, God help you when you discover Reddit then you obviously aren't here for worthy advice or help, so one has to consider what your motives are. It's far easier to find a space that isn't mostly women.

Just grow up.

Hold up! He's totally reasonable for getting DNA test. This can be done anonymously, and if it comes back as fine, then he can move on. If not, you expect him to just raise another man's child?!

Did you sleep with anyone during your break OP?

Did you tell her?

100% agree. Your wife and friend deceived you. Get DNA test.

What went on at 18 shouldn't be relevant now. Teenagers do stupid stuff like that. They aren't mature enough to think about consequences and act very impulsively. Plus you had dumped her! It wasnt cheating.
I do wonder why he decided to tell you now though......a bit random.

They didn't.

So the full situation is, you broke up with her when you were 18, you were apart for 6 months and you've just found out your best friend and now wife were sleeping together and DURING that time, both of them knew you regretted breaking up with her and wanted to get back together, in the years that have passed you have both continued to be very close to your best friend (best man, kids growing up together, families frequently hanging out together).
This is a very different picture to the way the original post is worded and gives a different impression of why this revelation bothers you, so I would start a new thread with all the info because you are going to continue to get people only responding to what's on the first post.

IMO they have both done you wrong, your best friend at the time for sleeping with your ex and continuing to sleep with her when he knew you loved her and wanted to get back together and your wife for allowing the friendship to be as close as it has been in the years since, he was now an ex to her and should have been kept at a respectable distance. However, the closeness is not completely her fault, she was in a difficult position as he was also your best friend and you wanted him around and she couldn't explain without telling you everything and rocking the boat on your happy marriage. Her defensiveness about it shows she has tension around the subject.

And so, I see why this revelation bothers you, fact is you wouldn't have made some of the choices that you have done if you had known the full situation, and that sense of powerlessness in your own life, your ability to make choices feeling like it has been taken from you and the fear that they have been sharing a secret you were in the dark about and 'laughing' at you for want of a better word, and making a fool of you, is what's bothering you.
But, these things are also true, you don't know they were making a fool of you, the fling could have been completely insignificant to both of them, probably was by the fact they ended it. They may think of it as nothing more than something uncomfortable or embarrassing that they wish had never happened, the years since indicate they have no desire for each other, your wife may thank her lucky stars that you and her got back together, her defensiveness now may be because she is scared the life she has now may be crashing down by a stupid mistake in her teens.

The truth is, they should have told you at the time, but they were young, your wife wanted to get back together and would have been scared that if she told you, you might not want to, so she kept quiet and then as time went on, it got harder and harder to tell you. And your best friend wouldn't have wanted to potentially mess up your friendship or happy marriage by telling you either.
Maybe if you had known, you would have made different choices, but also, the life you have had, has been happy.

Agreed! Mumsnet used to fell a much more safe space for women. There are plenty other mixed forums out there.

This post hit the nail of the head. I think quite a few of us wouldn't have got back with an ex if he/she had slept with our best friend. She initially deceptively took that choice from you.

Secondly, she should have been wise enough to maintain a respectful distance from this man.

Just give her an ultimatum that she sever contact with this so called friend.. I doubt she will, but you'll then know the full extent of her deception.

We do?? I don’t!! I feel sorry for the OP. What a horrible, gut-churning revelation. I would really struggle to come to terms with it too.

feels like post to try to out women as being anti-men

Nobody has to try very hard to make that happen in this forum!

Totally disgusting person that says "it's none of your business". I hope you have the courage to end this marriage.

feels like post to try to out women as being anti-men

Well we sure showed them 😂

I don't feel sorry for his wife. She kept an important secret from him for 26 years. If he'd known he probably would have made different life choices. He has been denied honesty on a very fundamental level from the two people he was closest to

I guess they didn’t tell you because they thought that you might overreact. He valued your friendship and she loved you. Neither wanted to lose you.
As the years went by their brief relationship must have seemed even less important to them, in contrast to how significant it would seem to you if you knew that they had kept it a secret.
You are now overreacting as predicted. It’s fine to feel a bit sick about it but don’t let the truth grenade detonate your marriage. You could cool the friendship a bit. That all sounds a bit intense.

She teased you about your football team and you were so childishly furious that you lashed out and broke up with her to hurt her. That is quite possibly the most batshit thing I have ever read on this forum, and that’s really saying something. Obviously they couldn’t tell you anything considering your level of immaturity regarding something as mundane as a sports team. The only thing I fault her for is getting back with someone waving red flags in her face.

If this is genuine then the best thing is probably to split. Otherwise the nastiness will likely manifest as emotional/verbal/psychological abuse towards her as you seek to punish her eternally and constantly insist that she “prove” things to you.

They've both betrayed your trust. I don't know how easy it would be to get over this, if possible. I would try though, for the sake of the kids and I think you need to have it out with both of them. Find out how their thinking progressed. What a horrible mess

No, you wanted everyone to agree with you.

“Choosed”?
”Hided”?

Your posts feel like they’re written by two different people.