I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

It’s not the sex at the time that’s the issue. It’s the secrecy after. If your DH announced now that he’d had a relationship with your best friend, who you’re still super close with now, are you saying you’d be chill with it? Nah.

Divisive and ridiculous comment!

I'm sorry to be saying this, but the two of them have made an absolute arse of you since this happened. It's a complete and utter betrayal. They were shagging for two or three months? 😳They couldn't have humiliated you any more if they'd tried.

I’m on your side, OP. “I had sex with your best friend for a few months while we were broken up” became your business as soon as you and your now-wife got back together. Too many people are looking at this through a lens of “men thinking they’re entitled to know a woman’s sexual history,” instead of putting themselves in your place and thinking how they would feel.

I see the point here and from the perspective of the past it is clear why even though they should have, they didn’t mention it at the time you got back together for fear it might affect things.

But despite the fear, the last acceptable time to tell you after all this coverup, in my opinion, would have been when you got engaged.

It is not fair to marry someone still hiding something as big as this and getting married without mentioning it was in my opinion the worst part. She should have told you before this, but at the moment before she got married to you? That’s when she absolutely owed it to you to tell you.

Anyone implying that feeling sick to your stomach on hearing a confession like this is anything other than a normal average human reaction obviously has never probably never been seriously betrayed by a partner like this to feel what it feels like. This is a fairly average reaction.

I have a hard time believing 75% of mumsnetters would be cool with this if it happened to them. I get you OP. While they technically didn't cheat, their actions were morally dubious at the time and dishonest ever since.

It's because that percentage of MN members hate men and revel in their pain and humiliation. They're fair game for any and all ills.

This 🆙. Stop making such a drama out of it!

I would hit the roof if this was done to me. The colluding in a secret and denying me the right to make choices knowing the facts they do. Not on. Also highly suspicious of his need to tell you now. What is his motive?

You aren't serious?
Two 18 year olds, not in any other relationship at the time, date for 2-3 months.

How is that morally dubious?

Many 18 year olds have mutual friends at that age- they go around as a group.

OP has a bruised ego over something that happened 30 + years ago.

And they have not been dishonest since. Neither was obliged to 'confess' they slept together as 18 year olds. Had OP asked - or his friend's wife- that is different, but none of them has.

The odd thing is his friend's motive for bringing it up now.

I'm actually one of the feminists on here, sometimes on the Women's Right forum. I will often shoo men back to Reddit or tell them when they're being arses, but I don't think this is one of them, despite his mistake in the past.

I can just about get past sleeping with your ex's friend when you are on a break. However to then go on and maintain and develop this close friendship, including making them God Parent and going on holidays together for 26 years is really brazen and disrespectful to the OP.

I could get past the sleeping with my mate when she was 18, but not the hidden lie whilst you spent nearly 3 decades treating him like family.

I understand why you have gone nuclear over it, but I don't think it is worth losing your marriage over it. I think you need single and couples counselling to get through it. I think there are questions that need addressing.

Firstly, you need to make sure that this is the long and short of it. You need to be 100% sure that they have not been carrying on right under your nose for the past 26 years.

Why she didn't cut off the friendship when it became clear that you were serious and getting married. She should have made a choice between you.

Does his wife know? She may also not know about this. Do you think she would be happy about it? She wouldn't be. Surely she has the right to know that the person she spends holidays with and a lot of time with, is her DH's ex.

I'd want to know why he told you. Why now? What is the reason? Personally I think he is jealous of you, and is waiting in the wings.

Why is he suddenly telling you now and not 26 years ago

You’d be fine with your best friend sleeping with an ex you were still in love with and who was your counsel and confidant throughout and who was comfortable in being your best man knowing he had a special secret with your intended? No chance. I don’t believe you.

Troll

I have to say that the women responding to this today seem to be remarkably chilled regarding this situation. My my, I didn't didn't know we were all so very sophisticated on here!

If their husband and best friend had had sex and kept it from them for all these years, I genuinely don't think they would be quite so easy-going about it, especially given that the two of them have been close friends for all that time!!

Hi wife at least had the excuse of being scorned....but what the hell was his 'friend's' reason for having sex with a woman he knows his best friend was in love with?? The OP doesn't own her, but come on!

Does it occur to you that you may be wrong?

One of my ex partners and my H are on good terms. They ask after each other and chat. Both have slept and lived with me.

What happened to OP was decades ago. They were all single and very young. No one was cheating.

Did your wife know he was going to tell you? I just wonder why now?

The reason they didn’t tell you is clear - I think, in that she loved you, you loved her and she knew you wouldn’t get back together if told. The relationship probably felt a little bumpy at the time because to break up over a football comment sounds like something that would happen in young relationships- she may of felt that if you could end it over that, you would definitely end it over her being with her friend when you had broken up.

I can see how hard this is for you, and I wouldn’t be happy either, I think though whats happened has happened and for you now its understanding what your next steps are…. I would be very pissed off with your wife/ friend but wouldn’t necessarily translate that into ‘what else have they lied about’ your friend has fundamentally finished your marriage and your relationship with him - so I don’t think there will be much else they are hiding.

You need time to understand your own emotions and your position, do you have anyone in real life you can talk too - to bounce thoughts off? I would though keep doing Dad stuff this is nothing to do with your kids and they should be your key focus at the moment.

Probably exactly same way you. Men are just as welcome as women on mumsnet. OP, don’t believe, for one second, those that tell you they would be ok with it, they wouldn’t. It’s always easy to say you’d happy with something that you’re not actually going through.
Men and step mothers are pretty much always in the wrong on mumsnet, no matter how unreasonable the other person is being.
I can understand exactly that you are going to be wondering about every interaction between your dw and bf in the past and will now be on guard and possibly reading things into every interaction going forward. By not being honest they have taken away your choice as to whether to get back together or cut your losses at the age of 18 when there wasn’t so much at stake. They lied by omission.

So it was 30 years ago, when you had dumped her, and she was a free agent? And you were probably off doing God knows what.

Grow up.

OP I don't know why you have been given a hard time, your reaction is completely normal and it is a betrayal. If it were me, I would be explaining to his wife why the friendship is now severed. She is going to wonder.

Yes it was a long time ago and no cheating happened technically but what they should have done is given you the full picture when you rekindled your relationship. Someone should have applied the brakes and not let your lives become so embroiled.

I actually think that her sleeping with her ex’s friend at that time wasn’t really on her. The best friend sleeping with his friend’s ex however - massive issue. He should have confessed to his best friend. You don’t sleep with your friend’s exes - especially not their very recent exes. That’s a betrayal from him. It could be explained though, they could have felt the hurt and gotten over it. The less time that passes between it happening and his best friend telling him it had happened, the smaller the betrayal.

Continuing to not tell him after they got back together, that was then on her and him. And then getting married and having children and building a life with him, then that’s very much on her.

But at first I think the major betrayal was from his best friend sleeping with his ex, and so very soon after they’d broken up. It doesn’t matter that he dumped her, it’s still obviously morally dubious and so his friend should have just told him.

Your friend and wife did nothing wrong when they had a brief relationship. However, the time for either your wife or your friend to tell you about it was when you got back together with your now-wife. You could then have made an informed decision about whether it bothered you enough to end the relationship for good or whether you still wanted to be with her.

I have no idea of your best friend's motivation for telling you now. It seems like quite a destructive thing to do.

The betrayal is not keeping it secret all those years ago, but telling you now when it's going to cause nothing but trouble.

It's more about another person feeling they have the right to decide how significant ones own sexual history was. Some sex matters a lot some doesn't. A long term platonic friendship can be much more intimate than sex.
It's entirely possible neither person felt it very significant ( and they would know) and knew it would trouble the op who would feel entitled to assign it a lot of significance, which it never really had, so just never mentioned it.

I wonder if this will get to page 40 before the Op comes back...