I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

Oh OP, what a horrible shock.

I could not imagine husband telling me at any point during our relationship that he had any form of physical contact with my best friend and child's godparents.

If anything the time past makes it even worse.

I dont know what I would do in this situation, but your getting a hard time here because you have a penis.

The other way round the replies would have been very different.

Take care of yourself

you're full of shit

how polite.

I fully agree with you that everyone is entitled to their own boundaries, which is precisely why OP's wife is entitled to hers. She is under no obligation whatsoever to disclose intimate details of her past sexual history with her husband if she chooses not to.

Not going into any rights and wrongs but focusing on the present, you need to decide what to do. To do that you need to calmly and logically think what you want, how to achieve that and what the consequences will potentially be.
If you leave your wife because you cannot trust her you will have to deal with the emotional impact on your children and broader family, the financial impact of creating two households and the need to create a separate life for yourself.
If you tell your wife but stay and continue to refuse contact with friend you will have to explain why to your children, their children and deal with the fall out. Either you as a family sever contact or your wife and children see them without you and your imagination works overtime.
If you do anything purely for revenge, thump him, tell his wife, put it on the local facebook group whatever you risk creating a heap of trouble which might mean that you no longer get to decide on the outcome.

Lying by omission is equally as bad as telling a bare faced lie.

I can fully understand why the OP feels blindsided by this. And why now, after so many years?

I take my hat off to all the pp's who are as cool as can be with this, I wouldn't be cool!

I have no advice op, like you, I wouldn't want to see their faces, let alone talk to them.
Maybe for your peace of mind you could DNA test your children if your wife was in agreement.

I agree that the original post reads very smoothly and that the story ingredients are designed to provoke.

You're going to disregard your marriage over what happened when you had dumped your now wife?!

You don't own her and there's no need to know anything that happened when you weren't even dating at the time

Well the only thing you seem sure about is the OP has a penis. How are you so sure about that?

Sorry OP but it is a bit like chucking the baby out with the bath water! FFS, it was years ago! And don’t come telling us you were all sweetness and light during the 6months break up!

Storm in a Teacup. OP should see a counsellor.

Look yous were 18, everyone was shagging everyone back then. I live in a small town and literally folk were going through whole groups of friends. It wasn’t a big deal. Neither of them will have thought that much about it since, I really don’t know why he decided to tell you now. I know this stuff bothers men more than women but honestly it will have meant nothing to her. You’ve done well to create such a good life together and to stay together. Don’t fuck it up now cos of something that happened decades ago. By all means filter away from the friendship if you want but you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Christ she was probably doing it just to get you back for dumping her!! I’m ashamed to say I did a bit of that stuff myself when I was younger just to piss a bloke off who dared disrespect me. She married you and loves you. Your mate is a dick for telling you all these years later.

So 18 year old you treated your now wife as something to drop and pick up when it suited you, and in the time you didn't want her, she and your friend got together as they had every right to. Now you've found out, you're playing the victim and making the poor woman who's been your wife for decades miserable because she didn't tell you something that's noyb that happened when she was a teen? Honestly grow up and cut the drama.
The only thing if any concern here is why your friend felt the need for his big confession. That's odd apropos of nothing. I'd be asking him what prompted it. If he's still speaking to you after your massive overreaction that is.

When would have been the right time to tell you this? When you were all stupid teenagers inclined to end a relationship over a remark about football? When it turned out your girlfriend was about to be your wife?

And no, honestly it is absolutely none of your business who your best friend or your wife, slept with whilst both of them were single.

So you can either throw away both your marriage and your friendship over an irrelevant omission of personal information that was none of your business - or you can apologise for being a twat and mend some bridges.

Up to you whether you think its worth it - either you trust them or you do not, they're the same people they have always been, everything that has changed is entirely in your head.

Why don't you toddle off to Dadsnet
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/dadsnet

Maybe if other men tell you how unreasonable you are being you will listen.

At the start I felt sorry for you, because despite it being none of your business who she slept with when you were not together, I could see how you could feel hurt and need to work through your emotions.

Now I feel you are being an abusive man, who doesn't care that >75% of the forum think you are unreasonable. Keep saying they "lied", they didn't, you have a truthful marriage. You were not married at the time or even together.

You "can't even look at" your poor wife, despite decades of fidelity and marriage. My sympathies are 100% with her for your current poor treatment of her. As well as with the wider fall out of you visit your insecurities on your kids and you friends family.

You are completely overreacting to this!
You said in your original post that you were an "idiot teenager" and most probably very immature if you dumped your wife over a comment she made to you about your sports team.
You need to go back in time to when you were all idiot teenagers.
One idiot teenager dumps another who probably looking for consolation hooks up with another. Three months later it fizzles out. Three months after that you're back on the scene.
You are overthinking this as in fact we all appear to be on this bank holiday Monday. Stop wasting time and get over it before it escalates and you lose everything! I can see a parallel between you over reacting to your wife's comment all those years ago and now overacting to this situation.
Do you have a habit of over reacting?

You dumped your 18 year old girlfriend who then slept with your friend but that relationship fizzled out. You then get back together, have a family and have been very happy together for nearly three decades. Are you seriously going to jeopardise this for something that happen ages ago? I can understand that it was a shock and I'm concerned about why your friend chose to tell you but I'm afraid you are becoming paranoid. I don't think your wife has done anything wrong. She didn't cheat, it would have been very awkward to tell you at the time and would get progressively harder as time went by. Put it in perspective.

Look at your how your life is now, don't let the past ruin this.
I would be cross with the friend telling me this.
He is trying to ruin your marriage because your wife chose you not him.
He's jealous of what you have and your life achievements.
Get some therapy or counselling and get through this.
It's been 26 years, don't let this ruin all those years together.

Best way to deal with this 'friend' and his sudden confession is to refuse him the satisfaction of upheaving your life. Carry on: business as usual.

Eventually, you'll get over it. Not sure what you're actually struggling with anyway. Over 20 years ago and you were broken up due to your poor behaviour (according to you). It isn't a big deal. You just need time to get over the 'shock'.

In the meantime, I'd just be focused on 'why now' and not let this 'friend' have the impact he might be hoping for. Don't change a thing.

In fact: just forgive him. Maybe ask him to give you a week or two to adjust and then back to normal. Plan a night out or evening in with everyone as normal and move on.

There’s a mechanical feel to the way the OP writes that doesn’t sit well with me. It’s as if none of this is happening to a real person.

On the off-chance this is genuine, see a counsellor.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP. I understand the gravity of the situation from the perspective.

The problem is the switch has been switched in your head and you will be stuck for sometime.

Ultimately this is something that you need to now live with so it’s important you learn how to process the emotions.

I would strongly recommend couples counselling as well as individual counselling for you. If you embrace it without expectation it will empower you to learn how to live with these emotions and process them without its sabotaging your life. This is the only way I can think of if you’re not capable of doing it yourself now anyway.

My thoughts are with you with you OP. Please take action and good luck! 🙏

You are not reasonable to be hurt but you are unreasonable to hold it against them.