I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

Welcome to Mumsnet. Neutral doesn’t exist on here where men are concerned unfortunately…

You need to find out if your friends wife knows. You cant be so mad at not knowing if his wife also didnt know. Imagine 3 or 4 years down the line she finds out that you all knew and she didnt

Time for honesty all round and see how you all feel.

For me, its fixable, but I suspect for you, your ego is playing a part. Its a long time ago and no one (imo) is at fault.

This. Well said!

OP why are considering punishing your best friend but not your wife ? They were both party to the relationship. You say you don’t consider that she cheated but everything about your posts says that actually you do. You were apart six months, they ended the relationship after three, after deciding they were better as friends. So why after 26 years of that friendship do you not trust them now ? And why do you consider that they lied to you ? Did you ever ask either of them outright whether they had slept together ?

You forgot to add melodramatic to the idiot comment.

So, you want to make a fuss because your ego has been hurt? When you were acting like an idiot teenager, your then ex-girlfriend, now wife, didn’t sit at home pining for you?

I disagree with both of them and you. Neither of them owes you an explanation or apology for what they did during the time you were apart or for not telling you.

It's madness that you would throw your friendship, or even your relationship away over this. Neither are clearly that strong despite the years and shared memories.

Writing to try and help you. Right now I think you’re in shock - it’s the feeling of mistrust now you’ve found this out, what else is there you don’t know, that’s really unseating you. But give yourself time. There isn’t one perfect person for us in life, you and she are close with your friend, she could have ended up with him, but she didn’t. She wanted to be with you. You have a good marriage. You have a good friendship. You have a wonderful situation with your kids. All of this is far more important than a relationship that happened for a few months a few decades ago. As shocking as it is that you are finding this out now, and didn’t know at the time, give it time. Your wife didn’t have to tell you, your friend didn’t have to tell you, you wish that they had at the time, but they didn’t. Life is fleeting and short and it sounds like you have a lot thats good. Give it a lot of processing time, share with your wife how you feel, let her share how she feels too, and gradually try to come to terms with the fact that it happened. We have family feuds like this that echo through the generations and are forgiven on deathbeds when people get that perspective - try to get there now and not waste a good marriage and a good friendship on something that happened when you were teens. It will take understanding, acceptance, forgivess for not telling you. The other thing to mention, and you prob won’t like this but again saying to try and help you get to a good place - you say you might have had things pan out differently if you’d known. Maybe this is the reason your wife didn’t tell you. Is the pain that she was with him to do with your own ego? Very normal response to a discovery like this, but in time the ego can process. If you can get to the point (eventually) of acceptance that this happened, but the deeper knowledge that you have a wonderful wife and friend, that should have let you know when you were younger but didn’t, that this can free you from the pain of it and allow you to live in a deeper fullness and closeness with them both. Forgiveness is the hardest but most profound and powerful action that any human can go through and it can be liberating. As hard as it’s been to find out this and to have not known, I really hope that you can get there and treasure these two people who mean a lot to you.

The two of them sleeping together, given the context, isn't itself a big deal.

Both of them knowingly withholding that from you, keeping that secret between them, for decades, is a huge breach of trust.

What you do about it is up to you.

They weren't lying. It was none of the OP's business. He dumped her so she could sleep with whoever she wanted!

From your OP: Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

So how is it that you now have an 8yo child?

I doubt anyone who can throw their relationships away that easily came for neutral opinions.

You are being very dramatic over something that happened years and years ago. It literally makes no difference to your life unless you decide to make a huge drama and potentially ruin a happy family life and marriage. Agree never to mention or discuss it and move on.

Good catch

👊Exactly dont what know kind of supposed strong marriage he thinks he has if shes was single bloody do what she wants. This OP was a jerk!

Your not coming across here well op
The whole world does not revolve around you
And this entire mess is totally your fault
You broke up with her at age 18 ..she was a free agent to sleep with whomever she likes
She owes you nothing
So..the ball is now in your court
To throw your marriage away because your ego is hurt ??
And ..give your mate and ex wife a second chance at being together ??
After how you have reacted
Maybe your wife wishes she had stayed with your friend and not gone back to you .
The best thing you could of done in this situation
Is to find out .. exactly why your so called best mate suddenly decided to tell you this .. because it's very odd he's held the secret all these years and now suddenly decided to spill the beans ..there's got to be a reason
I suspect his marriage is having difficulty..and he's trying to take your marriage down with him
Are you going to let him ???

It’s understandable to be upset, but you are looking at it from here- today- decades of cover up.

When you were 18 it wasn’t relevant. They had a relationship after you’d finished with her, when neither of them owed you anything.
Then you got back together and it wasn’t relevant. They didn’t know you would all still be together decades later. It just wasn’t that big a deal at the time.

With every passing year it got a bigger deal, but at the beginning it really wasn’t.

I think you need to be back, emotionally and memory wise, to being 18. I can’t actually remember the names of my first few boyfriends, yet any one of them could in different circumstances, have been with me 35 years later. DH doesn’t know who they were because it just wasn’t relevant when we got together.

Really? We have someone who dumped their partner because their partner said hurty words about their football team after losing a match. That partner was then single. Partner had brief relationship with a mutual acquaintance which didn’t go anywhere. All three were teenagers showing the normal level of immaturity for teenagers in an ongoing friendship group. (Who dumps someone for hurty words about a sports team??).

They are now grown adults 20 years on and the sports dumper is having a hissy fit because when they were all silly teens two mutual acquaintances from the wider friendship group had a shag whilst single. I’d say it sounds more like someone looking for an excuse for an out of the relationship whilst making the partner into the guilty party.

Whichever way the sexes fall its either a spouse looking for a guilt free out or the most fragile ego in history.

I can't see the problem to be honest.
This was when you were all 18.
You'd split up for a while.

There are many couples who are friends with other couples where they 'swapped' girlfriends and boyfriends at a young age.

There's a difference between lying and not sharing private information.

No evidence anyone lied. Just no "oh by the way, I slept with Gary after we broke up". There was no good time to tell you (for either of them) when you first got back together. Assume later on it felt unimportant enough to announce.

My only question is why your friend chose to ignite this now. Seems very selfish of him.

I think that there's a bit of having your cake and eating it here!
You dumped your wife, told her it was over and moved on for SIX months.
If you wanted to rekindle your relationship a week of two after the break up, you could have but didn't.
Once you split up she and your friend could do what they wanted. Nothing got to do with you. When they got together, no one knew that later on you and she would marry. Own the fact that you dumped her and there are consequences to letting someone go.

When you got back together, they knew that you would be upset if you found out so decided not to tell you. They didn't have to tell you. Put this also in context, they were teenagers, not mature adults at the time.

Now you can ruin your marriage and very good friendships over this and if you do I suspect that you will regret it for the rest of your life. If you decide not to ruin it all for you and everyone else including your children then let it go.
This may require open and frank discussions with all concerned first but then move on.

What does your wife say about it?
What does your friend and his wife say?
It would be interesting to hear their take on this as your post is silent on this.

I beg to differ.

If you say “I do” on the altar you are also tacitly saying “I don’t” keep from you, for more than twenty years, the fact that I slept with - and was in a relationship with for three months - the man standing beside you as your best man, who will one day be godfather to our children and in our lives every single week as close family friends.

You definitely agree to not do shit like that to each other when you say your wedding vows.

You were in a break because of you. End of. It’s on you, friend

Your marriage is over. Without trust there is no marriage - move on.

And you have no idea what others secrets they've kept. It's not 2 kids having sex while he had broken up with his girlfriend . It's the secrecy for 26 years and you have to wonder why he's revealing it now

OP I think your marriage and friendship as it was is over. You now have a choice to build a new friendship and new marriage with these two, or move on. But I think what you had has been irretrievably broken. A huge betrayal of trust, to think that the two people closest to you kept a secret from you and had a bond that didn’t involve you. It’s horrible.

Yes this marriage is over. Trust is gone. I can't help wondering if he was told deliberately so the wife and friend can get together.