I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

Just wanted to say, I really do understand how you're feeling, you sound broken and very hurt.
But just be careful you don't jeopardise your future happiness..... just for some reparation for the past.
You have a good life, keep it that way.

What was it she said about the football team that crossed a line?

I mean, if it was "Liverpool fans caused Hillsborough" or taking the piss out of Munich then fair enough, but not many things are so offensive that they would end a relationship even at 18.

I can understand the feeling of betrayal from the lie. I can also understand why they did the lie - and it sounds like the original lie has massively benefited you as otherwise you probably wouldn't have had this amazing marriage. So yes - its a bit hard to get your head round but please try to remember you have been a massive beneficiary of this lie.

I don't understand why it matters?

If they wanted to be together, he would be her husband and not you.

SHE WAS SINGLE. YOU DUMPED HER! It was over 20 years ago!

You are behaving like quite the idiot here and making yourself look silly.

Thing's would have been different

I’m so sorry, OP.

I am genuinely shocked by a lot of the replies here. They are missing the entire point of what you are saying. You created your entire life around the assumption of a particular reality, and it turns out that it wasn’t true. You had a deeply intimate bond with both of these people and you believed that what they told you was true. To suddenly find out that they had been keeping something important a secret, between them, for all these years, is deeply destabilising.

This isn’t about control. This isn’t about entitlement to her ‘privacy’ like some people seem to think. You have every right to feel hurt and betrayed by both of them - simply because they led you to believe something that wasn’t true. If you had that information then you could have chosen what to do with it, but you didn’t.

I think it’s also really problematic that he chose to tell you now. Not because I think it’s right they kept it secret, but because after all these years of having done so, there is no actual merit in telling you because they had already allowed the construction of reality around the omission. To suddenly throw this in is actually very cruel. I would want to know what his purpose of this was, because if it’s to alleviate his own guilt of keeping it a secret then you have another layer of selfishness piled on top of what already happened.

People replying here thinking it is ‘just’ about random sex decades ago are spectacularly missing the point. I understand how it feels to have the foundation of your reality knocked away - it changes how you view so many things, and you go back over so many memories wondering ‘what were they thinking then?’ And ‘did they make the conscious choice to hide it during this conversation?’ etc.

You have been put in a terrible position and the people here who have the audacity to act like your response is the problem are devoid of empathy.

Please take care of yourself.

He's utterly selfish git to have got this off his conscience by telling you after all this time.

He should have kept his mouth shut.

I hope you find a way to get past it.

best friend since childhood - what age of childhood

she knew him before you did - how much longer ? since nursery school or something

you were not on a break when they had a relationship, you had broken up

how were either of them to know you would get back together

and whilst the 2 of you were apart, you didn't see a single person at all ?

I’m utterly disgusted by the majority of responses on here. If the OP was a woman just finding out about this you’d all be kind and showing solidarity, saying how awful her husband and best friend are for keeping it from them. They certainly wouldn’t be telling her that she needs to grown up, she’s controlling and thinks she owns her husband’s body!
For those posters, I’d hope that down the line when you post something terrible that you’re experiencing, you are shown the same level of compassion - but of course you won’t be, because you’re a woman.

OP, I would be shocked and pretty devastated in your shoes. It’s not being dramatic to be hurt by finding out that the two people who you trust the most have kept such a big secret all these years while remaining so close. You trust your best friend enough to have him as your best man, godfather to your child. Yes he betrayed you when he was young (you weren’t with her but he knew how you felt about her) but he’s been a terrible friend since by caring more about keeping their secret than being honest with you so you could, if you wanted, choose someone else to have by your side through your adulthood.
It’s natural to question whether anything has happened since, seeing as they have remained so close. And yes, your friends sudden admission could mean you’re in for a nasty surprise (that either something is still there, or a question over paternity, etc), but for now you need to try to focus on what you do know and deal with that first rather than let it get messier than it already is. One step at a time.

I’d speak to the friend again and find out why he’s felt the need to tell you now. I’d also ask his wife if she knew (not ask him, ask her directly).

In terms of barbecues, holidays, etc, I’d stop them all for now while you get to the bottom of this and while you work through things with your wife. Seeing him and all playing happy families while you’re processing all of this will just make it harder.

Your wife’s response is pretty shocking to be honest. She doesn’t seem to care at all about the impact this has had on you, she hasn’t even tried to see it from your point of view, as someone who is supposed to love and care for you. If it was reversed, I’m sure she would feel exactly as you do.
It is something that you could possibly get past with counselling, but that would heavily depend on your wife’s attitude.

Either way, you’ll get through this.

This a million times over.

You'd dumped her. It was nothing to do with you what she did after you dumped her.

You're lucky she took you back. And if you carry on like this, you'll be lucky she doesn't dump you this time.

And this.

She didn’t cheat on you. You broke up with her and this happened when she was single, and also 18.

she should not need to justify something that happened when you were not together 26 years ago. She chose you. She married you. She omitted telling you, which is not great, but when asked told you which chimes with what your friend did. I do not know why the friend would admit this now. And it is really worth losing this decades long friendship over?

@CRCGran “BUT HE WON'T ANSWER THE QUESTION... WHAT DOES THE FRIENDS WIFE THINK OF IT ALL.. WHAT'S HER TAKE ON IT... DID SHE ALREADY KNOW.... ITS BEEN ASKED SEVERAL TIMES BUT NO RESPONSE....”

Could possibly be inconsequential because BF may have not known his wife then and in that case it really wouldn’t matter to BFs wife.

Two different situations -

1. OP, BF and OPs now wife, then ex girlfriend - now historic secret revealed
2. BF meets his current wife 5,10 years later - nothing to tell.

Its so funny to see so many people trying to play the cool, unbothered act as if they wouldn’t be a bit miffed to find out their dh shagged their mate and kept it a secret for 26 years. The lengths some people will go to to bash a man on here.

'Probably, I would have never gone back to her,'

you didn't go back to her, you split up with her ! changed your mind and SHE came back to you.

I would feel betrayed and upset if I found this out about my husband and my best friend. I would want to know why he’s telling me now because in my opinion, if they’ve kept this for 26 years, they should have just gone to the grave with it.
I feel there’s more betrayal to unfold.
If the roles were reversed, I bet most women won’t be happy their husband used to have a physical relationship with their best friend so people can stop pretending this is all cool and acceptable. Honestly why would he decide to say it now

The times on Mumsnet when women are advised to ‘get rid’ of their partner for fairly trivial reasons, and in this case the OP has been lied to (by omission) for years and he should just suck it up. If he had known this before, he may have preferred not to be a godparent to his friend’s children, and vice versa, nor have such a close friendship with the family.

I would feel pretty betrayed by this information too, and most definitely questioning why the friend has suddenly decided to unburden himself.

It's nothing to do with me and I certainly wouldn't be having histrionics about it over a quarter of a century later - especially if I'd been so ridiculous as to throw a tantrum over being teased about Man United/Partick Thistle/Accrington Stanley losing a match.

I came here for neutral opinion, discovered something else

Both of them had a responsibility to tell him IMO. I think it was his business. They are both responsible for the situation.

His mate because he crossed a line in having a secret, sexual relationship with his best mate’s ex. Even though he knew his mate was still in love with her etc. Snakey behaviour.

His wife because she had a sexual relationship with his best mate and got back with him without being fully honest with him.

FWIW, I was friends with a guy. I started dating one of his mates. Went on for 6 months or so. Split up and a few weeks later started dating our mutual friend. Realised very quickly that it was serious so new bf told ex bf. Face to face before he found out. Ex was upset.. because he was losing his wingman. 30 odd years later, we are still together and DH is still mates with the ex. The situation may be different but honesty is and was the best policy.

How did you discover Mumsnet?

You came here for people to agree with you, call her every name under the sun and indulge your 'Maybe the children aren't mine?' nonsense.

Bit of a difference between being upset, and deciding to leave home, cut off your wife and best friend and decide that she's a cheating ho and has been the entire marriage and that your children aren't yours.
I can't imagine many women would act the way the OP has.